NPD/BPD- Men, understanding your female tormentor..

28 Jul

dreamstime_8714308[1]The basic natural differences between women and men are this, “women desire to be loved and cherished, while men have to feel needed/useful and appreciated.  Women by nature are more emotional thinkers, while men are more logical thinkers.  In other words, on the scale of emotion, there are definite variances between the genders .  Environment and life long experiences has a significant impact upon the development of emotions despite gender. Men for example, dependent upon their childhood and adolescent experiences, will determine their emotional adeptness.  There are many men that have grown up in loving, and healthy environments and will display such good characteristics in adulthood. These men are typically the target for a personality disordered woman.  As we previously stated, the nature of a man is to feel useful, needed and appreciated.  Women know this all too well. It’s an undeniable fact,  the nature of women is to use their sexuality to coerce men for favors. With this being said, there are healthy and subtle forms of such female manipulation tactics.  If a woman should use her female prowess to manipulate her man then, it should be followed by sincere gestures of appreciation, as well, if the man knows his woman will appreciate what he does for her, then it becomes a mutually acceptable scenario without resentment.  The female NPD/BPD takes coercion to levels unimaginable by most normal people. In fact, if a man were to tell stories of his trials and tribulations with his NPD/BPD mate, most  people would find it hard to fathom or believe.This is usually the onset of a man’s self-doubt.

It is agreed that the gist of psychological problems in either gender stem from childhood to adolescent stages. These conditions/disorders are usually further exacerbated through interpersonal interaction in adulthood as well.  Emphasizing the traits and characteristics of  the typical female gender, coupled with a personality disorder, there is no better candidate to purvey emotional abuse.

Premeditated behavior is considered as conscious/aware or cognizant behavior.  Conditioned behaviors are based upon a repetitious engagement of behavior that is predictable or consistent, without pre-thought or required consciousness of the act.  As it relates to premeditated or conditioned behaviors, we must consider the capacity of the female brain.  We will first put to bed theories about intellectual superiority, ”men and women both have equal intellectual capacity.”  Where our brain functions differ relates to evolution. By design through evolution, gender specific features are built into the brain. Also by design, these differences are complimentary to one another, therefore,  men and women were designed  to collaborate their emotions, intimacy at all levels, and when the compliment of these human aspects are mutually suitable, they will unify. In relationships whereby there is a personality disordered partner, the path towards unification has many “potholes.”

Interesting imaging research about the brain and its ability to solve problems reveal that  men and women given identical tasks, each of their brains took two distinctly different neuropaths to accomplish the same task.  This is due in part to evolutionary innate/primal design differences of the female/male brain, i.e., the brain map/architecture is different in each gender. In summary, the approach and the methods by which a man or a woman creates an abusive scenario in a relationship is very different too, however, the results are the same. Abuse.

It is supposed, that women have the ability to engage/access both hemispheres of the brain simultaneously, whereas the man must “switch gears” to access one side or the other. Keep in mind, be it man or woman, these actions take place within microseconds. Our brain’s integration of the hemisphere’s is maintained through the Corpus Callosum. Hundreds of millions of axonic connections that allow the brain to act and react as a whole entity.  No studies to date have proven that the corpus callosum itself is truly different between male and female ( beliefs that one gender or the other had prevailing mass of the corpus callosum). Other studies reveal differences of how the corpus callosum maintains itself through mental and physiological processes.

For simplicity sake, let’s take for example an emotion/feeling, such as being empathetic. If our ability to be empathetic is present, that means a “continuum” or ”loop” is developed within the brain for empathy. When we consciously program empathy as an emotion during childhood/adolescent years, the mental, biological, physiological, and neurological systems kick in to maintain a healthy continuum for empathy.  The absence or presence of a healthy behavioral connection is apparent via the corpus callosum. Therefore, if someone has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, most likely there are going to be impaired,or have abnormal integration of neural networks and structures, visible through corpus callosum.  Now, let’s take a personality disordered individual who has the absence of this emotion, which in turn means, absence of the “loop”,i.e., incomplete connection and neural activity concerning this emotion/feeling. When the personality disordered individual initiates a conscious decision(during childhood/adolescent), the neuropaths will be based upon environmental survival and comfort(self-preservation), it is a security system of sorts that has been created. Now it becomes an issue of maintaining this mindset, or to create a new one that is more beneficial towards true human interaction.

Now that you understand some of the gender differences, you should now surmise that again, the abusive outcomes are relatively the same, we as men and women simply have different approaches towards abusive behavior. However, a predator is a predator, and abuse is abuse.  What I will delineate here is for the sake of men in abusive relationships. What I conveyed above is to help the abused understand, this is indeed a cerebral wiring problem established in youth. The most unfortunate part is that it typically gets worse as they become older and the prognosis for recovery is slim to none. There are no medications for NPD, BPD, Histrionic, and Anti-social disorders. It is not a physiological disorder, what it is though is a series of life events that by this individuals choice, have created abnormal thought patterns that self-protective in nature. They have by-passed the good emotional side of the brain through these experiences and thoughts. Simply stated, it’s a self-induced rerouting of normal brain processes, not a disease, nor a chemical imbalance. During their youth, they have consciously sacrificed the human emotional side in order to preserve self at any cost. It then becomes a skill set, a talent of deception, and manipulation techniques.   You ever hear the old saying, “age and cunning will always overcome youth and stupidity?”  Well, in the case of a BPD/NPD/Histrionic, their age and cunning (experience) shows in their personality disorder. Their skills become more honed through their years of dysfunctional relationship experiences and it becomes less of a challenge.  This lack of challenge creates a stronger need for supply, and will make them more socially and/or inter-personally inadequate. This is the main reason for their inability to recognize their condition and the desire to change. In the case of a woman with such a disorder, the emotional ties they have to self are much stronger than the male abuser.

Studies have shown that the female brain has the ability to use language more effectively and efficiently than men. Couple that with the disorder, the emotional aspect of the woman’s brain, and you have a lethal mouth of abuse. Men of the world that are involved with an abusive woman, please do not try to make sense of what they say, do not take it personally, and most of all, do not believe a damn thing they say. Manipulation and control is their ultimate goal. Although the ultimate goal of a male or female abuser is the same, ( control ) the female abusers are much more savvy manipulators than men. They are quick thinkers on their feet and will sling anything at the wall they believe will stick.

As well, women by design are visually sensual/sexual. It this sense, a BPD/NPD/Histrionic are aware of this powerful tool when engaging  a man. The female BPD/NPD/Histrionic is so aware that they also tend to be highly promiscuous. Most women with BPD/NPD/Histrionics are highly conscious of the value in seductiveness where it concerns controlling a man. The sad part is, this value is also a “yardstick” by which they measure themselves. For all you men, watch your significant other when in social environments. They will usually intentionally stand next to a man in mixed gender scenario.  Watch how much closer she will stand to a man Vs a woman. She will usually touch the man in some way( bicep, waistline, hand), especially if there is humor, laughing.  Usually, if she is uncomfortable with the women in a mixed gender conversation, she will move on to the next mixed gender group or she may join a conversation amongst male groups. This is due in part to the lack of attention she is receiving.  The larger the function, the less you will see of her, if you are inside, she’ll be outside. If you attempt to join in her social interactions with others, she could become annoyed, possibly accusing you later of being possessive or mistrusting.  if this should occur, beware, because when you get home, she’ll be prepared to lambast you. Bottom line, she is seeking attention anyway she can, and you simply disrupt that freedom she needs to do so.


It is normal/healthy to be independent from your s.o. while being social, to break away from one another and be social, however, it is in your best interest to observe how your significant other interacts with others, especially men.  Women in committed relationships, being in social environments naturally engage other men in conversations, and there is nothing wrong with this approach. However, to gain the attention of other men through their female sexuality is not healthy when in a committed relationship. First and foremost, in such social environments,  when a woman engages another man in this way, he is picking up on these signs. She is entering another man’s sexual space with her smiles, her closeness, etc.  She shows interest in what this man says, making certain eye contact, she knows where to touch him as previously mentioned.  He senses the sexual body language she conveys, and this man begins to feel vulnerable to her. The path of his blood flow has been redirected from his brain to his penis, metaphorically speaking, i.e., he is sensually aroused by her actions. She has created a new value in another man’s mind. This is how opportunity begins. Your s.o. will most likely never remember any of these men’s names, but she will remember their reactions, and will decide for herself where there is opportunity.

If you have an active social life together, one of the latest discoveries is that a female BPD/NPD could possibly entertain the idea of sex with multiple partners or at least ask your opinion of such. Let’s face it, societal view of sex has changed dramatically these days, however, if you the man truly feel committment to your mate is most important, and you have observed excessively flirtatious behavior, coupled with her thought about multiple partners, then I suggest you should reevaluate the possible fate of your relationship. Especially if you are dealing with all the other emotionally and verbally abusive characteristics of this woman, and have observed such flirtatious social interaction as described above, then you are at risk of infidelity. Do not write it off as, “that’s just the way she is” or “she’s always been that way”, or “it’s just harmless fun in my opinion”. Remember, she is manipulative, deceptive, elusive, and she will lie to you. She wants you to believe it’s all harmless, it is part of her control factor.

One other statistic that has recently come to light is that one of the primary  reasons a man stays in an abusive relationship with an NPD/BPD woman was SEX. This study revealed that the sexual aspects of these dysfunctional relationships were consistently described as “incredible.”  Think about it men, what are your priorities in a committed relationship? Guys, you should fear this aspect of your BPD/NPD, not only for her promiscuity,  you could also become a possible (more likely probable) victim of STD’s if she should fulfill her desires for  sexual encounter(s) outside the relationship. The decision is yours!  (See also: Header = Personality Disorder and Infidelity)

Any women that read this will most likely disagree with the following fact, based upon their own individual experience, however, it is common knowledge that women typically control the frequency of sex in most interpersonal relationships. The difference with a NPD/BPD is that not only will they control the frequency, they will control the intimacy as well. Mostly to avoid intimacy, and satiate their sexual desires only in a physical sense.  That is to achieve an orgasm(s) and nothing more. Remember this as well, everything these disordered individuals do is for self-serving purposes. Typically they are anxious to do the act, they are open to new sexual acts, and will control what acts shall be performed at any given time. They are usually the aggressor, creative in bed, and  they will get what they want, when they want it. You the man will feel good that she is aggressive, and likes unencumbered sex, however, do not believe she truly cares about your satisfaction. She only wants you to believe she is the best you’ve ever had. Her egocentric epicenter requires such adulation of her sexuality. If you ask to be in control, to make love to her, she may allow you to do so very briefly, despite your moment of sexual glory,  you will end up doing what she wanted anyway. If you are persistent about making love, rather than the typical sex acts, she will begin to find ways to avoid the sex until you give back in to her desires. They will tell you that you’re the best in bed, and another time, they’re saying you’re doing it all wrong or come up with excuses to avoid sex.  They’ll lead you on and then shut you down. If there is a problem regarding infrequency of sex, you will always be to blame. If they cheat on you, it will be because they were entitled/justified to do so because you simply did not fulfill their sexual needs. Then they will expect you to stick around after the affair because you will never find someone as good as she was to you, sexually or otherwise.

Their arrogance and ego coupled with the emotional and sexual prowess will have you eating from their hand. You will relinquish your dignity, your pride, and you will submit to their every desire.  The problem with man is, his gender innate reaction is to figure this all out, that there is a plausible and logical explanation for her actions. Hate to be the bearer of bad news guys, there is none!  All the bad experiences of their youth, the possible doting and enabling of parents/family where it concerns the disordered female gender, created what you see today. The unfortunate reality is, they never left the child/adolescent stage of their life.   Have you ever noticed how juvenile some of their thought processes and reactions are, as if you are dealing with 6 year old little girl? This six year old is a devil in an adult costume! This person you love has chosen her path, and there is nothing you can do to help her. She must recognize her condition for what it is and seek help on her own, which I can assure you, she will avoid at all costs. If you to encourage her to seek help, it will most likely create additional abuse in the relationship. So my question is to all you abused males out there, what do you lose by severing the relationship? Maybe the question is, what do you gain by severing the relationship? Your sanity, self-esteem and dignity! Sure you could lose a good part of your social circle, but whose to say that some of that social circle was good for you? There are so many opportunities in life to make new friends. And of course, those sexual ties. Would you not be more happy to have a relationship, with trust, fidelity, intimacy at all levels and settle for good sex, instead of incredible sex, no trust, no fidelity, and no true intimacy? Remember the abuse too gentlemen!

Your NPD/BPD chose to maintain her dysfunctional needs throughout  life, and she expects you to fulfill such needs.  If you do not comply, she will simply make you suffer until you eventually submit. When you do conform, she will continue to gain more control over you by the continued abuse. These conditioned and/or conscious acts will only get worse as you the man try harder to please her or make the relationship work. This precedence you set by submitting only serves her and you continue down the rocky cliff, beaten and battered, weakened to the point of being an emotional prisoner.The approval you seek from her shall always be an effort in futility. SHE IS INSATIABLE!!

The lies, deception, depreciation, their egocentric attitudes, haughty/arrogant demeanor, and the sarcasms will never end, despite what you do to improve the relationship. What she says you have become, is exactly what she has always been.  If she feels you are ready to distance yourself, she will remind you of the few good times you shared together and draw you back into the lion’s den. You will make excuses for her in your mind, when it is truly denial you speak to yourself. You are a mere object and  supply for her self-gratification. Morals and ethics are purely words without meaning, except to create a standard by which morals and ethics serve as an entitlement to defy. It is the double-standard by which they live.  Only to be bad and get away with it, satiates their weakened, possibly non-existent system of human values.

The emotional depth of true love is of no interest to a Female NPD/BPD. They are more concerned with mechanics of the relationship, i.e., if I push this button, he will react this way, if I jerk his chain this way, he will react that way, etc.  Men can never be unified or truly intimate with a NPD/BPD woman, for they view the man in object presence or for physical need.  The emotions they can exude are purely for themselves, i.e., they would briefly mourn the loss of the object/physical presence and acts of service that men commonly perform. It’s their own perception of what love meant to them, not reality. The man was simply functional and subservient. You were the emotional punching bag, the mouth for adulation and compliments, and you were the penis for her orgasm sake. All you do is serve her physical/mechanical functions. Here’s a wake-up call men, are, or were being exploited.

Much of creation in these women’s dysfunctional world come from demanding, emotionally inept  mothers/fathers that want their daughters to be liberated from a dominant male world environment. Now, this is not to say being taught to more independent is a bad thing, it’s more about what the parents did not teach, which are ethics, morality, and most of all, gender equality. The past four decades have created more women that are independent, educated, excelling in the corporate world, in politics, law, etc. And most women accept  their work colleagues as equals, however, where it concerns their significant other, it is far from equal. Historically, women primarily took care of the home front, and husbands would show their appreciation by taking them to special dinners, buy the flowers, bring special gifts, etc. The quandary today is this, women still have more rights in the areas of law/court system, i.e. child custody,significantly less incarceration for misdemeanors, felonies, and contempts (especially physical abuse.) Women are still considered minorities and continue to receive entitlements as such. They are many more disparities too numerous to mention, and despite their quote unquote “equal status” today, men are still expected to place  women on that pedestal like they did in past years as working mothers and homemakers. Women view this as a preconceived entitlement, that they deserve to be on that pedestal by virtue of their gender. Women say it “makes me feel good, it’s romance, I feel special when a man treats me to fine dinners, special trips, buys me flowers.” Believe it or not, in today’s world of equality, men want to feel special too!   Men don’t want women to use their vagina as a coercion tool. If all things were equal, men should be able to coerce women because they have a penis, right?!  Let me know when that has ever happened!!!  Quite frankly, if a woman uses sex as a tool to keep the man giving, then, could it not be construed as a facsimile of prostitution? Don’t misinterpret what I’m trying to convey, I enjoy making a women feel good at all levels, however, the minute a woman uses sex as means to punish me for not being as giving as she perceives I should be, then that is not a true relationship.

Personality disordered women are worst violators of equality. They don’t care that her man’s penis is involved in this too, because she figures she can get a penis most anywhere. Therefore, you are not equal by any stretch of her imagination. Hence, entitlement. We are seeing more of such narcissistic, arrogant and haughty attitudes amongst professional women that want their cake and eat it too.  In their minds, a man must “get with the program” and understand how the system must work in order for the man to receive sex from them. It has become a less than an equal proposition for men these days.  Am I stereo-typing?..absolutely not. The truth is though, there is a strong percentage of  emotionally healthy professional women that work the system and utilize the double-standard they so feel entitled to.  Many a man have been literally led to the “poor house” by this preconceived notion of female entitlement.   I could go on about this topic however, what we want to understand here is this, an educated professional woman that has a, NPD/BPD/Histrionic condition will be a man’s ultimate hell where it concerns working both sides of the fence to get what they want. Tell her you want to feel special, maybe have her pay for dinner some night, and then watch the fireworks begin!! You will be viewed as unromantic, inconsiderate, and will be depreciated like you’ve never been before. It will be broadcasted to friends and acquaintances, (especially other women).  These highly educated, savvy women will take  sexuality, and  equality to the highest self-serving level. It’s a form of male exploitation, and the sad part is, many women with relatively healthy personalities choose to  “work the system” as well. This presents a very grim outlook for men for some years to come. Don’t give up guys, there are  plenty of very appreciative women still out there.  It will just take longer to sift through the dating pool, and find a woman that has good  morals, ethics, and considers her significant other as a true equal.

Gentlemen, I know how hard it is to leave someone you love. Here is your next wake-up call,..however long you’ve been in the abusive relationship is how long you’ve been in a “coma.”  I use this analogy because when you wake up you will realize, the love you felt while in that “coma” (duration of relationship), was of your own creation. What she created was the facade for your perceived love to exist. Therefore, it was real to you, not to her. As well, when you endure such abuse, the only thing in a man’s mind that can make him feel good, something to hang onto in order to justify him staying in the relationship is love. In actuality, it was not truly love, it is created love. In other words, a fantasy love.  Remember, as I mentioned earlier, ”do not believe a damn thing they say.”  When that ”L” word comes out of their mouth, it’s all part of the facade.  I can assure you, as I have been there myself, there is nothing more hurtful to a man than to be taken for a fool, for a woman to strip us of our male pride, dignity, and worst of all, to perjure the heart of a genuine loving man.

If there is any man out there that is still in an abusive relationship, feel free to comment or ask questions and likewise, if there are men that have broken the ties of an abusive relationship that wish to seek some more answers or contribute to those still in these abusive relationships, this blog especially welcomes your support and comments.

The content of this publication or any publication on this blog site, is not to be construed as a replacement for professional help in these respective areas.  Any responses to enquiries are strictly in the opinion of the blog originator(s) , therefore, it is the responsibility of such enquirers to apply due diligence concerning accuracy,validity, and mindful use of this blogs information, content and/or suggestions.


21 Responses to “NPD/BPD- Men, understanding your female tormentor..”

  1. Johny555 September 11, 2009 at 1:41 pm #


    Been there done that. Want to know the worst part? She was my first. My first lay, my first kiss, my first . . . . well not love.

    I don’t know if I can ever trust another woman again.

    • melove54 October 6, 2009 at 3:28 pm #

      I must apologize as your post did not show up for moderation until today!? I’m not sure how that happened, however, I will address this with wordpress.

      I know exactly how you feel, as I’ve gone through the same motions as well. Trust is one of the most essential ingredients in a relationship and it is only natural for men and women alike to take such a stance in future relationships. What is important to understand though is this,.. if you were in a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship, all aspects of what makes a relationship work, DID NOT EXIST and the chances of this happening again to you should be NON-EXISTENT! I can only assume you have gotten out, and are taking your life back. If this is the case, jmho, here is some advice.

      a) understand there is nothing you can do for your former mate. Their prognosis is poor at best for recovery (1 in 99 chance.)

      b) After the breakup, adhere to a no-contact (if there are no children) or minimize your contact to essential, necessary conversation that relates to your children only. Remember, your abuser’s ulterior motive is control, and they are savvy and experienced at this ploy. Stay one step ahead of the game by maintaining this line of thought with each and every conversation. If you’ve been in the relationship for a year or more, you will still have the propensity to create adversity between the two of you. Under no circumstances, engage this woman in any way, shape or form!! I repeat, DO NOT ENGAGE HER!!

      c) it is also natural for us to carry resentment, hatred, and regret. We wish the worst upon our tormentor, yet, it affects us the abused, far more than it does them. We tend to burden our minds with such thoughts as, “will she have a better relationship with the next man?”, answer to that is, “unequivicalby, no!!!” She will do exactly the same to the next man as she did to you, cut and dry! Count on it!!

      d) your abuser lives in an eternal hell and their core belief system is pathologically putrid, void of compassion, empathy, morals and ethics. As they become older, their core will continue to degradate, and their abilities to manipulate, deceive, lie, etc. will grow stronger. So if want retribution, simply let them live their lives out in this abhorrant state of mind.

      e) if there are children involved, do not ever believe that it is right to maintain two parents under one roof. A childs mind is a terrible thing to waste, and the last thing they need is to witness the crazy making antics of two dysfunctional parents!! Children are impressionable, and your abuser can make the biggest impression upon them, through their words, whether you are together or apart. It is your job to maintain your sanity and in doing so, you will make better decisions where it concerns your children. Do not talk bad about your former abuser, handle any and all situations with maturity and leave out the barbs and adversity. When your children confront you about what mama says, handle it calmly and do exactly what you say you will do for what they are seeking is a form of trust, they are asking you to confirm in their minds, that what mama said is untrue, and if you break that trust only once, mama will be back in control once more.

      In summary Johny555, your thoughts at this juncture should not be about being unable to trust someone ever again, rather, to get back out there and socialize, engage in healthy activities (stay out of the bars!), take your time with a new relationship, recognize the signs early on, you are wiser now and if you carry this burden of trust, you may pass up an opportunity to ever have a meaningful relationship. Look at it this way, your abusive relationship is a book with many chapters in it, and you only have to read it once to understand, it was a bad novel. Close it forever more, put it on the shelf as a reminder that you would never read it again and relive those egregious, mind “F’n” chapters again. Only look in the bookcase to remind yourself, you will never go there again. Take care of self first and foremost, and do what is important for you, your family and your future. You cannot rewrite history, your past, so look ahead and know there is indeed someone out there for you. Just take your time and make better, more confident decisions in all aspects of your life from this day forward.

  2. Greg October 6, 2009 at 5:05 am #

    Unbelievably accurate and overdue.

    • melove54 October 6, 2009 at 2:35 pm #

      your comment is greatly appreciated. It’s a sad state of affairs that these personality disorders are so feared by the psych’s, especially women with such disorders. Women have been viewed for so long as the victims, and society, lawmaker’s, etc. continue to support these crazy making women. Although, imo, the snake is raising it’s ugly head and becoming more visible. I try to keep my articles unbiased where it concerns gender for men still hold the record for the majority of abuse. I do believe though, over the next 10 years, those evaluations will become literally equal between the genders.

      There is a site, if you’re interested, called, that is one of the most compelling sites where it concerns addressing women with such disorders. Dr. Tara, imo, is one of the leading authorities in this field and a super personality to boot. It’s always refreshing to have a woman that relate to the enduring agony that men go through with dysfunctional women.

      Again, thanks for your response and I welcome your input always.

  3. Tom Mccullough May 28, 2010 at 6:05 pm #

    You have done it once again. Superb writing.

  4. Dan Behrens August 22, 2010 at 3:00 am #

    Here are some rules to get you through, its not what you want to hear.

    1. clean break, anything left in her space will be stolen or destroyed so take the irreplaceable stuff.

    2. I agree zero contact. NONE they will suck you back into a living hell.

    3. Look at yourself, your childhood, your use of alcohol, recreational drugs etc. Your own perception of self worth.

    4. Let her go, let go of the hated, the pain, the love and all of the other confused emotions. (hardest step)

    5 Ask your friends not to give you updates on her Drama.

    6. Take time for yourself before you date again. (she will have had 6 guys in the first year) Do not sweat it, they all have to learn for themselves.

    7 do not think of killing yourself. Wait five years because you may have killed the wrong man.

    8, support groups like AA NA etc if needed.

    9 You will be just fine. You will do more than survive this, it will help you to grow into the man you were meant to be. And you will find a woman that will love you, and care for you, once you look at yourself. Its not as hard as you think.

    10 Help someone who is going through what you have been through.

    • melove54 August 23, 2010 at 1:04 pm #

      Thanks for your input,.. yes, it’s tough to break through the mental barriers after the mind-F’n men endure with such predatory women. And one more important thing that goes along with your 10 suggestions is this,..before you can do any one of these things, the man must accept his responsibility for enduring their bullshit for so long. In others words, be accountable for yourself, and then proceed to exit with a plan. This is where the epiphany occurs, the realization that you are not yourself, that she is something less than human, and it’s time to go. There are so many choices we can make in life, however, it’s opportunity that many times we ignore and shouldn’t. Life goes on gentlemen, we are the ones that must change for your abuser cannot. And let me assure you, life after crazy-woman is truly better than you can imagine!! As for love, take your time, for it will come when you least expect it.

  5. Max November 28, 2010 at 9:55 pm #

    Thank you for such a well-articulated analysis. You describe the woman in my relationship to a tee. She demonstrated all of the negative characteristics above in my life for many years, and no matter what I did for her it was never enough. We are in the ‘taking a break’ phase right now, but I can see now that any kind of relationship with this type of person is impossible. I agreed to see her one more time to exchange some property and chat briefly, but should I? Perhaps I could just contact one of her friends or family members with her things… What do you think?

    • melove54 November 29, 2010 at 4:16 am #

      I certainly appreciate your compliments, and what I would like for you to do if you have not done so, is read my latest article, “Cluster B’s, What to expect after the breakup.” I presume you were not married and only in an inter-personal relationship. If you are to meet for an exchange of items, do it in a public area, not at her place or yours. As well, only do this exchange if these items have value, be it monetary or sentimental. If these items are things you can live without, and have no true meaning or value, don’t bother. It is not worth the drama. You can do the family thing, but keep in mind, this is your problem not theirs, so if you do , please show your appreciation in some way to them if they do you this favor.

      As I do not know the details of your relationship, I can only offer the above suggestions, and if you wish to further discuss such details, I can offer better advice. Again, thanks for being a reader and let me know if I can be of further assistance. Best of luck..

  6. Max November 29, 2010 at 7:53 pm #

    Thank you for your response. Your article about what to expect from the break-up was helpful. In my former relationship we were never married and had no children (although the relationship lasted nearly 10 years), but I sill feel like I care enough about this person to try to make them aware of the problems they have with emotional abuse and PD in the hopes that perhaps maybe they can help themselves and seek out help (even though this is unlikely).

    Since we are currently “taking a break” I think there will probably have to be one inevitable final phone conversation with her where I will have to draw my line in the sand and make her aware of the boundaries I have set, and letting her know that any kind of relationship or friendship will be impossible going forward. I view this conversation as unavoidable at this point.

    This is once again my compassionate, caring side coming out– but I am afraid that when she invariably tries to contact me she will see an opening for continued abuse. Our relationship ended because of trust, infidelity (on her part), and emotional abuse, but she did ask me (what seemed like honestly) what I thought was wrong with her, and how she could help herself– now I think I know. When she eventually tries to contact me should I tell her the things I have learned in the hopes she may seek help, not for my benefit, but for her own?

    Another thing I have been told is that role-reversals can happen in abusive relationships, depending on the situation and the personality types involved. I am worried that there is a possiblilty that this person may “fixate” on another person (her new perceived supply) and eventually find herself being victimized as well, since abusive relationships seem to be all she is capable of. Do you think this is possible?

  7. melove54 November 29, 2010 at 8:24 pm #

    The compassion you feel is normal, however, if you open the door to discuss her indiscretions throughout the relationship and ask her to seek help will only give her an avenue by which she can further hurt you. In other words, she will tell you anything YOU want to hear just to be close and create more drama later. You will indeed pay the price for your kindness. Remember what I stated in my post about what to expect after the breakup, “they are capable of egregious behavior because you have upset their dysfunctional epicenter with reality.” Reality is their enemy, you are the enemy, because you are the perpetrator of why this all happened in the first place. It is projection at it’s finest. She may be willing to seek professional help, however, keep in mind that you may end up being the bad guy when it is all said and done. There are very few psychologist/psychiatrist that can penetrate their veil of deceit and lies in order to get to the truth. Ten years is hard to throw away and not feel something is still there. It will take time for you to adjust to not having her in your life, you have lived the drama and the dysfunction, and it’s all you know. I would not suggest opening the can of worms about seeking help. Your opportunity at this point, with no children, etc., is to go “NO CONTACT” once you decide about the personal property issues. Just remember what I said where it concerns that final contact, to keep her in check, exchange these items in public somehow. After that, NO CONTACT, NO FRIENDSHIP, for any contact with her at all will bring out the emotional side for you. For her, it’s just another opportunity to hurt you again. Time to move on and begin a new life for yourself. This is part of the discipline I spoke of before. Anyone she choses after you will either figure her out and get out soon, or THEY will become the victims. That is their choice, just like it was yours to stay in the relationship for 10 years. Sounds harsh, I’ve been there too, and had to accept responsibility for my actions as well. It’s part of your recovery from this relationship. It will not happen overnight, but the best thing you can do at this point is to sever all forms of contact with her, otherwise, you only exacerbate the situation, and set yourself back emotionally.

    I also have some posts on infidelity and personality disorders, you may want to peruse that as well. Let me know how it goes Max.

  8. Steve December 19, 2010 at 11:18 am #

    Thank you for your wonderful insight on this subject, i have just freed myself from this type of relationship. Twelve years with three major split ups each time i went back it was great for abour three months and then the games started,my problem though was that i would fight her and sometimes become abusive myself, although i never started an argument i would invariably end them with a volcanic eruption of all of my frustrations, i went to behaviour change myself and learnt about my own needs to control situations. The more control i gained over myself the worse her behaviour became, i suspected that she had found another man about six months ago and confonted her about it she was totally indignant, we have a 5 year old girl together, and the arguments were stating to affect her, i left in September and immediately felt regret, after two weeks i stated that i would like to try dating her and maybe we could go to councelling, she seemed to want this and so i was back on board for more pain, this pain came immediatly when i found a birthday card from her lover in our house when i returned my daughter from an access visit. the next week my daughter was at my house crying for her mum and dad to be back together i explained that we could not do this and that we both loved her and she would have a safe life, the following week 5 weeks after her mum and dad split her mother took her out for dinner with her new man. It was then i realised that this woman was devoid of feeling and i started to research these sites it has been the most important thing that i have found, i now will not have any contact with her and all arrangements for our daughter are by email or text this has been the single most constructive thing i have done as it has given me space to process all of the lies and deciet without any more BS coming in and she is now becoming dehumanised in my mind so i dont waste any normal feelings on her and i do not romanticise the situation. the man is now living in our house which is up for sale so i guess he has fallen for her and will be fed on for awhile and i dont think he will realise for a long time, i will not speak to him or warn him for as long as he is there she will have enough supply and i can grow stonger and insulate myself from this woman. I will never put her down to our daughter but i will monitor my little girl and make sur the time with me is loving and stable. To all of you men who are considering to try and keep contact with your abuser then PLEASE dont they will chew you up and spit you out NO CONTACT is the only way.

    • melove54 December 19, 2010 at 3:37 pm #

      Thank you as a reader and for your story. I just got through reading a story sent to me by a dear friend via email. It was a story of compassion when life was more simple, and people helped one another when in need..a Christmas story. Brought tears to my eyes. Stories like yours have the same affect, especially this time of year when we are reminded of our humanity.

      It is true when you assert yourself to gain more control of your emotions and the adversity, she will certainly sense a loss of control. Makes them absolutely insane! And the few months they ever behave, builds up resentment which their putrid ego cannot contain. It does not just resurface, it will come out in the form of emotional land mines, and you don’t know where to safely step at any given time, day or night. This is a true indication for the future of the relationship, as it shows life will only get worse as age takes its toll she become MORE dysfunctional. They simply cannot adhere to a plan of civil and loving behavior because it is against all the rules they have internally created through their ego. Only they matter, not even with consideration of their own children’s welfare.

      I am assuming based upon certain language that you are divorced and the mother is the custodial parent, living in the marital home. I am glad to see your child is young, and she is in such an impressionable state of mind right now. You seem to be taking all the steps in order to preserve her welfare and state of mind. As well, I would suggest more reading on the subject of maintaining and improving your interaction with her under the status of her dysfunctional mother. If you have not already, please read the 3 part post I have on “Cluster B’s What to expect after breakup.”
      You will note I emphasize dedication to the children, and even though you are past most of what I talk about in these posts, there still might be something you can gather from, such as working towards getting custody yourself in the future, and save the child from acquiring any of her mother’s dysfunctional traits.

      I like your plan whereby you have limited your contact to email and text. I presume since she has her new supply it has circumvented her dysfunctional antics away from you. This is good, however, the difficulty here is that her mother is not setting a good example for the child by having the live-in man. This is a part of her control, and a means to hurt you. Seems you haven’t fallen for that, as you are using him to supply her, thereby allowing you time to heal enough to come back to a stronger sense of reality. That will help you, yes. I hope in the meantime though, you have plans to gain custody of your daughter. There are ways to do this and really would be in the best welfare of your child to reduce her exposure to this woman. Do your best now under the circumstances and show your child love and explain to her in terms of love, what is going on between mom and dad. Teach her ways to cope with mom, and teach her what true love is about. Tell her the reasons that her mother and you are no longer in love because you could not agree about your life, your future. Educate your daughter that those things are important for two people when in a marriage. Of course, you want to relate at her level, but little talks like this can occur for years to come and make sure you are prepared to reinforce the same throughout those coming years. Children are more intuitive at her age than most give them credit for, and the idea here is to prepare her, and allow her to make a decision for herself now and in the future. You don’t have to demean her mother, however, if you take the right approach as previously mentioned, your child will make her own decisions in the future about her dysfunctional mother. Doesn’t mean she won’t love her mother, it will mean she will have less respect for her mother. From your perspective, your daughter will indeed recognize and respect you more where it concerns who gave her enlightenment in life. Wouldn’t it be nice to know you were the one that was instrumental in your daughter’s ability to love, be compassionate, and have all the qualities of a healthy personality. You are indeed her only savior, so think about it long and hard.

      Thanks again for your comments, you are an inspiration to other men, that there is hope thereafter these crazy relationships and to understand self is important to take care of first in order to create a proper and positive environment for the children. I hope this coming holiday brings joy and solace to you and your daughter, spend it well my fellow man.

      • Steve December 20, 2010 at 10:14 am #

        Thank you melove 54, your response has made me cry with a humbleness i have not felt in a long time, my ex partener and i are seperated, in Australia people have to be seperated for one year before they can divorce. But for me it is final i have gone through the shock the grief the self blame the confusion the humiliations, it was not until i found these sites that i could put her in a box and label it objectively, i have engaged a lawyer to deal with settlement issues and also custody rights i have applied for what is called significant care it equals 5 overnight stays in a fortnight which i feel will be enough for us to lay a firm foundation. I have gone all through this three months and have not missed a day of work i have relied on a couple of trusted male fiends who are fathers and can empathise, i have not been dating and i have not gotten drunk i have focussed solely on what is possible for my future with my daughter. I will repeat that the single most important thing i have done is to cut off all conversations by voice, my ex wife is very very physically beautiful and her voice can be like a siren sound like that of the greek litrature she can lull the defenses down quite quickly then she can inflict real pain by placing in my imagination some horrible image of what she is up to, the second most important thing is that to get strong i had to keep reading this stuff, knowing that other people have experienced this incideous way of living has stopped me from thinking i am crazy, she has not stopped trying to break through in fact today she attempted to ring me about our daughter i ignored the call and therefore recieved an abusive text straight away she has been able to get my young daughter to ring me and then she speaks in the background. All of this leads me to beleive she has not got complete control over her new supply or she needs to create drama with me to gain his affection either way it does not matter it is all a trick i hope this helps other men who are on the brink of leaving, i wont kid anyone it is difficult because i genuinely thought i loved this person with all of my heart and thought she had broken it. It is only an illusion nothing was real only what she allowed me to see. I am now enjoying being alone and am lookibg forward to my weekends with my daughter i will also be enrolling in some courses early next year to do some things i have always wanted to do and i have complete faith that my real soul mate will find me one day and we will walk hand in hand through life equal and in real love and care for each other THANK YOU SO MUCH . for your words have truely resolved in me this faith.

  9. melove54 December 20, 2010 at 2:36 pm #

    Thanks again for your kind words. It appears you have your mind and your priorities in line, and glad to see the dedication to your daughter’s welfare. Keep busy in making strides towards manifesting a better life for you and your child.
    Keep in mind, that voice you hear and that woman you thought you knew, without thought or consideration would welcome the opportunity to hurt you more. Stick to your guns as you have been. Keep in touch later down the road to let us know how you’re doing.Thanks for coming to my site and happy holidays once again!

  10. kerauter May 26, 2011 at 5:39 am #

    I’ve been involved with a woman with NPD for five years. I’ve seen all phases, identified early on she had NPD, but stuck with her. I’ve had to make my mind up – do I stay or do I walk – but despite everything I do love her and dearly. It is hard work, but I see my position as carer, rather than as a typical partner. Her NPD is further complicted by PTSD – she was badly raped at 20, subsequently physically and emotionally abused in an engagement- I suspect some childhood abuse too, but have no tangeable evidence.

    Yes, she hooked me with her charm, yes one day she stated she no longer respected me, yes she held out the vague possiblilty that one day we may have sex, and no (unbeliveably) we never have. Despite the fact she treats me like shit most of the time, I admit I get a kick out of being her s.o. – she’s an attractive 29 y o – a part time model and someone who (when she wants) oozes sex appeal.

    Yes she flirts at every opportunity with any guy who is in range, no she never takes it further than the flirting (this I know)- they are just a supply of anonymous Narcissistic Supply. She is frigid beyond belief, and on the two times that we’ve ended up in bed and begun some loving foreplay PTSD has kicked in and she’s freaked out(like foetal position rocking, crying, anxiety, vomiting) accusing me of being a pervert.

    So what keeps me hanging in there? I do catch glimpses of the person behind the false self – she’s a generous, loving woman, undeniably grateful inside of everything I ever did for her (and man, I’ve changed her life big time – taken her from a meaningless life, emigrated with her, found her a meaningful day job and overfed her NS through her new part time modelling career.)She just can’t express what is inside her – it is as if she seems empty inside, yet I know she is really full of experiences, emotions and love she feels she cannot share.

    Cure is a big word, but we have made progress. The anger – which was unbearable two years ago is now down to zero. Communication is getting better (it takes a massive dive the moment you suddenly lose their respect) and there is a greater sense of we and us. I play the relationship as her second mother (and age-wise I could be) come servant / chauffeur / sympathetic girlfreind – but take an out of the box analytical view from above to keep my sanity. I’m constantly adapting to her new sets of rules which are mainly brought about by an uber-logical unemotional view of her life. Amazingly raised voices are few and far between and arguments even less common.. in fact the space between arguments is now on average 6 months.

    I guess I take pleasure in facilitating some kind of prolonged healing process..

    • melove54 May 26, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

      Thanks for your comment,.. I understand your being a caretaker as I felt that I could fix my woman as well. Based upon the brief description you have given of your relationship with her, I do not believe you have a bpd or npd personality you are dealing with here. First and most importantly, no npd or bpd could go 6 months without adversity, arguments, etc. Not possible. Maybe a week or two at best, then the demon must come out. Much of the behavior you describe does fit some of the criteria, however, I believe she has episodes of past life events that have roots of traumatic sexual experiences that led to such psychosis. This in turn means she does not have the ability to apply intimacy in her life. Characteristic’s of cluster b personalities certainly will engage in sex, they however do not want the intimacy. Also, they are too confident in their manipulation, deception to allow you to see such a break down as you described. They will never allow such weaknesses to surface openly.

      If you are certain she is not having sex outside the relationship that is one thing, if she has been diagnosed professionally as bpd or npd, then I can assure you, she is having sex outside your relationship. Cluster B’s, especially ones of high intellect, are shrewd at deception and manipulative behavior. Just something to think about. She could possibly have relented to the adversity between one another in order to have her cake and eat it too, i.e., to accept what care you have given her emotionally, and be bad outside the relationship,.. best of both worlds, especially if it includes financial support from you. Cluster b’s create such convincing facades in order to maintain a fantasy world outside their so-called relationship.

      The other end of the spectrum is assessing ourselves as victims. I am a firm believer that once a man or woman is past the six month stage of crazy-making cluster b’s, then we are no longer victims, it then becomes much like a self-destructive behavior on our part. We simply accept our circumstances as everyday routine and continue trying to fix the one we believe we love. Sex may not be important to you after 5 years, and that in itself needs further self-assessment. Personally, after my experience, once logic and rationale came back to me, I realized the blame was upon me for remaining as long as I did. I cannot suggest to leave or stay, simply this,…you are in a routine and as the older, more experienced person, do not let her youth and inexperience fool you (if she is truly cluster b). Her lack of sexual intimacy with you does not mean that meaningless sexual experiences outside the relationship can occur. This is the nature of a true cluster b. They thrive on being bad and getting away with such behavior. They feel they do nothing wrong and deserve a life outside the relationship. This is not a judgmental assessment of your s.o., for what you have stated, if indeed accurate, and she was assessed as a cluster b, then my opinion is she has either been mis-diagnosed, or you need to open your mind and your eyes a bit wider. Just my humble opinion. Best wishes to you both.

  11. Alex October 6, 2011 at 3:56 am #

    I understand that there are some terrible vindictive women out there, but it is simply not fair to stereotype all borderline women as monsters… My partner has BPD, or is borderline, whichever you prefer. She is a loving, caring, and wonderful mate in all regards. She just has episodes of dissociative insanity every now and then. These times (we are going thru one right now) are challenging for both of us but we work thru them together. I couldn’t ask for a more beautifully flawed or perfectly imperfect mate. I understand a lot of you have been hurt by borderline women but not all of them are man eating psychopaths… As weird a out may seem to all of you, I wouldn’t change a thing about her…

    • melove54 October 13, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

      Thanks for your comments. I can understand when one talks about Cluster B’s(professionally or through experience) it seems stereotypical. Now, that being said, when we define Cluster B’s, the criteria are definitive. Depending upon how many of the criteria fits a dysfunctional personality will further clarify whether the condition is mild or extreme. Narcissist’s are the worst of all and are in daily turmoil exuding their deepest indiscretions upon a mate/partner, thereby breaking them down emotionally in order to control. I would use the term loved ones, however, an NPD does not have the capacity for true love. Love is word to them and used as a tool to further manipulate their mate/partner. Please don’t take this personally as I can assure you that if your partner is BPD, the odds of her loving, caring, and being wonderful otherwise is a facade. Again, if she is truly BPD.

      Cluster B’s are very difficult to diagnose for the professionals have difficulty in disseminating what is fact or fallacy. Based upon how you have described her, I do not believe she is a true BPD. Sounds much like she understands her dysfunction and has remorse for her actions. NPD’s, BPD’s, Histrionics have no remorse. She seems more Bi-polar and Bi-polar’s have emotion, they feel regret, empathy, love, etc. If you have designed coping mechanisms between the two of you, then that is good. It can be dealt with more readily through compromises and understanding. Once more, this is an impossible task with the extreme cluster B’s. I wish you the best in your present relationship.

  12. Cal May 22, 2016 at 12:48 pm #

    I’m sorry, but your article is written from the perspective of an angry man. Don’t get me wrong, as an abused husband, I have my fair share of anger, but you can’t let it override your reason.
    I want to preface what I’m about to say next with this: there is a time when your own safety or that of your kids (physically or psychologically) is in so much danger that you have no choice but to leave someone behind, even someone you love.
    A few issues with your article: You spoke of “enlightened” psychology that pointed out that the disorder came down to choice. Although this is true, you overlooked the part about it being similar to the choice reaction of fight or flight. In other words, “my life is in danger, I have a choice to run and fight or just sit here and die.” Yes, it’s a choice, but not one we can reasonably expect them to make. Secondly, you made an error as to when the pattern starts. It doesn’t start in childhood, it starts in infancy and it doesn’t come from enabling parents, it comes from neglectful parents or those that emotionally abandoned their baby. Also, doesn’t sound like her, as an infant, has an actual choice in response. But you did acknowledge that after the pattern is set they fail to recognize that there is a problem, even if it’s presented to them. Once again, choice has been taken from them by a brain that was rewired before they had a chance to make any choice at all. “Enlightened” psychology is based on the unbalanced point of view that you must put your own needs, desires, and happiness above all others. It’s a little narcissistic if you ask me, the same thing that we judge them for.
    The biggest error you made is that you said change is impossible, it’s hopeless. Change is NOT impossible. BPD is a treatable disorder. But here is the catch, it will be hard. It will take a lot of time, you will suffer some, you will have to work your butt off. It will get worse before it gets better.
    When it comes down to it, you have to decide what type of person you want to be. Will you base your actions on overwhelming emotions, the way the BPD mate has, or will you base your actions on principle. I’m not talking about on the compulsion to stay, but on the decision to stay because you will not abandon another human being just because the road gets rocky. Which type of person are you going to choose to be? The one that takes the hard path to help the person that you said you loved more than anything else in the world, or the one that is one more in their life that just discards them, abandons them, the way they were abandoned as a baby by someone who was supposed to love them?
    I do want to reiterate, there is a time when your own safety or that of your kids (physically or psychologically) is in so much danger that you have no choice but to leave someone behind, even someone you love. Just make sure it’s based on reason, not anger.

    • melove54 May 23, 2016 at 8:43 pm #

      Your response is appreciated, and based upon your response you’re an intelligent person. This is one of many articles I’ve written, because there is so much to discuss about Personality Disorders. Everyone here is entitled to their opinion on my blog. I do find it interesting you felt I was an “angry man” when I wrote this, that my anger and reasoning flawed my article, i.e., “a few issues with my article.” Seems more like a challenge of my knowledge, and my emotional status. lol! So let’s put this to rest, when something is treatable/curable, it would mean the largest share of the affected population could be turned around, or cured. Personality Disorders are not a disease, it’s not in your bloodstream, it’s not in the organs, it’s a synaptic detour that never reaches the destination it should. It certainly does not begin in infancy. The earliest possible effects from the outside realm would be between 2-3 years of age. And that’s questionable at best. As Human beings, every single one of us have the biological function for survival, and that is first, and foremost to us. Is that wrong? Self preservation is never wrong, however, it can go very wrong when the need to survive continually becomes emotionally strangled, and those emotions suffocate, and die. So, if you’re confident you can raise the dead, Psychologist and Psychiatrist around the world would love to hear from you. You could also think of it as an emotional amputation, although that emotion is gone, you still may have that “Ghost” itch. We still have to accept the reality, it’s gone and you can’t grow a new one. There has been no meaningful treatment for NPD, BPD, and the like hardcore sociopaths. Psychiatrists hate dealing with Personality Disordered patients because they cannot decipher fact from fallacy in order to formulate a proper path of treatment. Usually the personality disordered individual is there due to a request from family members, or a significant other. They go, they lie, they act good for as long as they can hold out. Then it’s back to the same shit. As for why someone leaves a personality disordered individual is not for me to say, just leave!! Plain, and simple.. then sort out the emotional dysfunctions you have later. Anger is the most prevalent emotion, it will have to be sorted out first. The most important promise an individual must make to themselves, is that they will NEVER go back. Everything else comes later, and it WILL take time. My opinion, my writings are passionate, not angry. My anger was sorted out years ago. I’ve been free of my tormentor for almost 8 years! Woohoo!
      My dear man, I sense you are here for either education-sake, or you are still in a dysfunctional relationship, possibly with children. Whether I’m mistaken, or not, you life is yours to make. If you are the victim, keep reading, you still have a chance, and especially if you have children involved. Don’t let your love stand in the way of your children’s happiness. Best Wishes!

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