Comfort Zones of the Abused

Is it possible to be simultaneously comfortable and uncomfortable in an inter-personal relationship? Absolutely, happens more often than we realize.  Though a person doesn’t necessarily have to be in an abusive relationship for this to happen.  We humans are unique in so many ways, therefore, no single individual approaches life’s ups and downs in the same manner. However, we are all similar in one respect, humans are “creatures of habit.”

Let’s start off with a simple example of human habit.  “Happy Hour” at the local watering hole! Every day after work people have a few drinks in order to satisfy their mindset about what therapeutic value this has for them.  The question is though, is it a responsible zone to be within? That would depend upon the individual. Remember, people are at Happy Hour for various reasons, none of which are the same between any one of them. Though this may be the case, the common denominator is this, they are all there for comfort in some form or fashion. Could simply be the social interaction, it could be just for the alcohol itself. It could go emotionally deeper, loss of a loved one, or they themselves being terminally ill. Despite what those specific reasons are, the habit is created / formed, and it becomes a source of comfort.

Let’s just take our everyday routine of raising children, being a husband or a wife, the duties we perform as such,  complacency sets in, and we begin to feel unfulfilled. Sound familiar to anyone?  This is where the individual copes with the rigors of life (comfort zone) but knows that there has to be more to life than what their daily routine offers. This could play out in several different ways once this mental interruption has taken place. In other words, the habit, the routine, the comfort zone will evolve, good, bad, or indifferent. The inter-personal relationship will no doubt be affected, good, bad, or indifferently. In the largest share of such cases, it normally works out bad, or indifferent, rather than good. Taking it one step further, mostly indifferent, which places the relationship back into the comfortable, yet uncomfortable zone. This is common in cases of physical abuse, where the man or woman on the receiving end of the abuse knows it’s wrong, however, they make the conscious decision to remain in this abusive relationship. It has become habit to the abused, therefore, they are comfortable. So many abused people get out of these types of relationships only to find themselves back in another abusive relationship.  Is it simply a matter of bad choices? Partially yes. It’s hard to break a habit, like smoking. Those who smoke know full well it’s bad for them, yet, they continue to smoke.  Same with the abuse, be it physical, verbal, or emotional abuse.

I have a dear friend that spent many years in a physically abusive relationship. Her and I have known each other since childhood. I know this woman well, she is beautiful inside and out, well-educated, and well established financially. She has remained unmarried for a number of years, and has dated with little satisfaction.  I have been conferring with her about the most recent relationship, and this gentleman ( I use that term loosely!) appears to be a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disordered individual. The stories she has conveyed about this man scream classic traits and characteristics of an NPD. He also has the propensity to be physically abusive when drinking. So why does she remain?  I need to confer with her a bit more, but it seems she is falling back into the physically abusive zone where she was once “comfortable” for many years. It’s like placing the reformed addict’s drug of choice on the table and then saying, “it’s up to you!”  At the very least, you will migrate towards that drug, all the while knowing it would be a bad decision / choice.  I asked my friend one simple question, “why do you continue to expose yourself to this man?” Her reply,.. “I don’t know!?”

Now let’s take a generation step backwards. We  have talked about ourselves, our habits, our routines, our comfort zones, but what about our mothers and fathers? How were we raised to think and believe. What did we witness, and fill our minds with by virtue of our exposure to them? Much of their actions, beliefs, etc. impacted  how we think, believe, and react. Their adversity was our adversity, their love was our love, and so on.  So in answer to my dear friend’s question, I provide the following excerpt:

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

• *maladaptive – inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
• *compulsive – psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
• *sources of great emotional pain and stress – chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse;sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in “toxic relationships“, in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; ifcodependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

Could this be my friend? Could this be you? It’s a hard pill to swallow for any of us to admit that we could indeed be a codependent personality. To believe that we could possibly be “maladaptive” is not only a slap in the face, it’s a “black-eye!”  We created a deeply embedded “comfort zone” for ourselves as children, and then carried that comfort into our adult lives. Creatures of habit we are indeed.

It’s not as bad as you think, for acceptance that we have mismanaged our lives in order to cope with our personal / inter-personal environment, both as children and adults, is the first step towards recreating a new world for ourselves. My friend is right, she truly didn’t know, she realizes it’s wrong, but why? She is thinking in present terms, when the problem essentially relates to our earliest memories of childhood, the environment in which we were raised. In essence, she has to break the old habit of controlling her life to suit the needs of others and to understand where the basis of that need was derived, i.e., her family (Mother/Father/siblings).  Such an epiphany is life changing, and without these realizations we could never know why we do what we do. What we must realize most of all is this, “Do we deserve happiness?” Absolutely, and it’s never too late to  make it your reality.

Cluster B’s What to expect after the break-up Part III

Let’s summarize Parts I and II as a review once the break-up or separation has occurred..

a) YOUR CHILDREN– The children shall be your driving force towards your recovery. How? Quite simple, if you don’t act upon yourself in healthy ways towards recovery, then what kind of environment do you believe you will provide for them? Taking care of your physical and mental self is paramount to the welfare of your children. As well, it is always my hopes that most children that come out of these dysfunctional relationships are young (6 or less).  It is much easier when they are young and impressionable for them readjust without the dysfunction. If children are beyond the age of 10 and have been in the line of fire with a dysfunctional parent(s), then they are likely to acquire some of the bad characteristics and traits. This is not to say they will not change, however, it will be more difficult to help them change. Pay close attention to how your children react to you post break-up/divorce. Recognize the signs and learn to help them and not be frustrated or angry, instead devise ways to help them cope with their abusive parent. Remember too, you were a part of this dysfunction as well, so be culpable, and be understanding with the kids.

b) EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED FROM YOUR X–  an acquaintance I’ve known for some time was in a long-term relationship (7 years) with an emotional and verbally abusive woman. He was a well thought of personality amongst his peers.  Long story short, he fell prey to his X via a phone invitation to come over and see her post breakup. They had sex. His mind was reeling in confusion over what just transpired between them. He knew it was all a mistake, and left her place stating again that they could not continue this relationship. After he left, she wrecked her apartment, self-inflicted abrasions, and cuts upon herself, called the police and said she was raped. Semen samples, and a good theatrical performance landed him in jail, he now has a criminal record, cost him a fortune in legal fees, etc.. She literally brought his life as he knew it to an abrupt halt. Please, if there is a warning you must heed, especially when the break-up is recent, DO NOT BELIEVE YOU KNOW THEM SO WELL, BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY, AND MOST OF ALL, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THEIR EGREGIOUS NATURE. The previously mentioned gentleman told me that, “in his wildest dreams, he never would  have  imagined her going to such a level to perjure herself, and to hurt him!

So, if there appears to be a valid reason between you and the X to meet, then have witnesses, one possibly two friends. Two is better. Advise the X that is the condition of your valid meeting. They will either not agree to the meeting (so who cares, right!)  or they will moan and complain and still allow it to happen.  Use the phone camera to show the meeting occurred with all parties present. Ask your friends to be prepared to run the video on their phone if adversity occurs on the X’s behalf.   I believe everyone knows the acronym “CYA”,.. with Cluster B’s,  you must always cover yourself.

c) REMAIN NO CONTACT OR LIMITED CONTACT–  One must adhere to this policy when dealing with these emotional predators. This man I previously mentioned was weakened by his own emotions for this woman. She convincingly lured him in by virtue of his emotional weakness for her. When she didn’t get the result she wanted, she simply had to hurt him in some way. Whether you were married, short-term , long-term, man or woman, it doesn’t matter, do not underestimate the how extreme your abuser will relent to hurt you after the break-up. Usually the first 60 days are the worst. Typically NPD’s will have already found a potential supply by that time. They are much better behaved once a new supply is found, they are just the worst Cluster B to deal with during the relationship.  All other Cluster B ‘s after a breakup, and post divorce will continue their antics but will not be as extreme as the first couple of months. Remember, they are not emotional from the heart, they are incapable of  emoting love, kindness, empathy, etc.  To take back control of your life and sever the relationship will only upset their putrid core. You will have summoned their demon of restitution,  you are the perpetrator of all that has upset their ego, and that is unacceptable. You will have to pay a price, and this is why no-contact and limited contact is important.

d) EMOTIONAL MATURITY AND DISCIPLINE–  This is the toughest of all, for you have lived with the traits and characteristics of an emotionally dysfunctional mate. You most likely experienced every emotion from A-Z with this person, and have become emotionally weakened. So, to speak of emotional maturity and discipline is asking a lot of someone who has been emotionally, verbally, or even physically abused. This is where we truly begin Part III.

A FRESH START..

So here you are, the madness ends and a new life begins. You have broken the chains that have bound you for so long. Even though you may be generally happy about this dissolution, there is still a void you will initially feel.  There is no more emotional, verbal, or physical abuse  and the crazy-making antics of your abuser no longer exist,..there is a calm in your life now.

People in marriages, or just dating that qualify as healthy personalities usually move on with their lives after the break-up, and are less adversarial or dramatic towards one another thereafter, i.e., they are emotionally mature. Victims of personality disordered individuals post break-up, emotional escape is not always so simple. First thing you will experience is that you now have extra time on your hands and it will be imperative for the formerly abused to utilize this time productively. Here are a few suggestions:

1) Take all pictures that have your X in them and store these pics where you would not have convenient access. If you have pics on a computer, download them to disk and then store them in the same manner. The less visualizations the easier on the mind, basically, “out of sight,out of mind.” Destroying photos and digital images is fine if you were not married to this individual. For those who were married,  it’s best to keep photos for the children’s purposes later in life. Just store them somewhere protected and from easy access to you.

2)  MAIL is opportunity for your former abuser, and it is widely used to maintain contact and harass you. Under no conditions allow yourself to be drawn into this trap of  hand delivering mail or picking up your mail from them. If you are the one moving to a new residence, just ensure USPS has all the correct info to properly forward your mail. If you somehow get your X’s mail through the new address, simply write on the envelope “not resident of this address” and return through the postal system. Either way, if they have your mail or you have theirs, do your best to have it forwarded via USPS, because what you think is a kind gesture or having sincere intentions will turn out to be another opportunity for them to hurt you. Don’t take the chance.

3) Communication is only necessary for those that were in marriages/inter-personal relationships with children. If you were not married, and had no children then it is suggested to change your phone numbers(land line and cell), email addresses, and uphold the”no contact” rule.  Contact with an X should only be limited to the children’s concerns and handled with care and maturity. Unfortunately, when there are children involved, the X will create so many unnecessary situations throughout the divorce proceedings and post divorce using the children as leverage. Examples would be their interpretations on custody, visitation, child support, and alimony if applicable. It will never completely go away.  The good news is they will eventually find a new supply and that will most definitely take a good share of the attention off of you.

4) Postpone dating for a while.  Typically after the breakup, there will be some unhealthy cynicism towards the opposite sex. Some formerly abused individuals walk away with a minimal amount of emotional baggage, others have emotional freight, as in ship-loads!  Truly, it is not advisable to enter into dating until you take the opportunity to work on yourself first. Socializing is good, and there are so many ways to socialize. Get on the internet and see what’s happening in your area. I would highly suggest, especially in the beginning to stay away from the bars. Alcohol is a depressant and when one is emotionally recovering, that is something you don’t need right-away.   The internet is full of sources for self-healing from such dysfunctional relationships. On this site, there is a 6 phase recovery program, although brief, it is powerful in that it taps into self deeply. There is no magic pill, and recovery will not happen overnight. It requires extreme discipline and that alone will take time.  Every day is a day of progress if you put your heart, soul and mind into it. Have clarity about what you want and get your priorities in-line. The empty feeling should leave in 2 months or less. Realistically speaking, 6-8 months is about average for a healthy recovery. Some people recover well on the outside and still carry the hurt inside, they are guarded and protective of their heart. Let me just say this, no matter who you choose as your next mate, there is ALWAYS risk. However, without risk, there is no reward. If you go into a relationship understanding risks and rewards then you have matured, for this is a reality of life. Keep in mind, your new mate takes the same risk with you.

Socializing, being physically active, making certain lifestyle changes like eating healthy, acquire new hobbies, etc. Simply put, have clarity about what is important in your life and why.  It’s not such a long  journey really, and time does manifest healing if you put positive energy into it.

When you begin to feel comfortable about yourself and wish to begin dating, please do one thing of great importance to your future relationship. Redefine what love is to you. In many cases where healthy personalities fall into the clutches of a Cluster B mate, the only tie the victim believed they had to their abuser was love. Let me assure you the emotion you felt was not one of love. Love did not exist, because you believed that love was the only thing in the relationship that could bring some form of solace to your heart and mind. Believe it or not, your abuser created this facade of love for you to live within. Scary but true! Now that we understand many of red-flags and what not to do, doesn’t necessarily mean we have truly defined love. This is a subject you can also find much information on the internet, and there is too much to discuss in this post about love itself so study love with great diligence.  It may surprise you.

One of the biggest mistakes most victims make when dating again is they talk too much about the X relationship. This will indeed end up in disappointment for both parties, therefore, non-productive towards the recovery process. For the most part, everyone who dates are curious about the other’s X relationship(s), Invariably, they always ask “what happened?” More times than not it opens up an emotional “can of worms” so it is important to minimize/eliminate any depreciation or hatred for the X.  The best impression one can make when dating is to show emotional maturity. Look at your replies as being a way to test your emotional maturity, your self-control. By pass the X subject by showing genuine interest in your new prospect in all aspects.. If you really want to get down to someones personality, talk about their family. Seek out how they interact with all their immediate family, primarily mother and father, guardian, etc.  They are the basis where the bad characteristics and traits begin.  Siblings and children would be your next interest. Be fair and open, but pay close attention to what they say. As well, don’t try to be someone’s rescuer if they are having emotional or financial problems. It’s a probable red-flag!  Remember this with the utmost importance, each and every person you date is “not your X!” Again be fair, do not tie a simple habit(s), use of words, etc. as a reason to “run for the hills.”  You are looking for something deeper than trivial idiosyncrasies, we all have them for no one is perfect. You are looking at traits and characteristics you can live with or not. Date casually without commitments in the beginning, and if it was meant to be, it will come back full circle.

This is also another mistake men and women alike make when dating, they tend to engage in adversity, just like old times with the Cluster B. If you happen to begin responding towards another negatively, DO NOT JUSTIFY YOUR ACTIONS, it’s wrong, you know it, suck it up and be mature. Now, if your new prospect decides to be verbally aggressive you simply stop, take a deep cleansing breath, and think before you speak. Decide what it is your prospect is trying to say, if some action you took initiated their response. Maybe it reminded them of their mother, father, X husband or boyfriend. Simply put, be the wiser person, and if it goes nowhere, then move on. There are plenty of dating prospects available.

In summary, the primary goal of each and every aforementioned action is the total betterment of your personal self in order to enjoy and benefit in your new life with your children and a future mate. Self must always be the priority in recovery cases, as it will serve to manifest the life you deserve. Your family and friends will benefit as well. Your comments or questions are welcome.

CLuster B’s What to expect after the breakup-PartII

In the first post we covered the need to go “no contact” or “limited contact” based upon whether the relationship involved marriage, long-term with investments, or an inter-personal relationship free of any such encumbrances. I shall begin with Marriage and long-term with investments.

I will have to cover much of this in generalities as divorce laws and joint investment laws vary from state to state. As an example, “no fault” divorce is simply a means by which to unclog the court system, thereby leaving fault as a non-issue. In other words, if “infidelity” were the issue for divorce, “no fault” states will not litigate “infidelity” and the judge will define and render a decision of  “irreconcilable differences” instead. States that are NOT “no fault” WILL  litigate fault( i.e., “infidelity”) for months up to years in the court’s . Many times fault can go on longer than the division of property and investments. What’s worse, if you are dealing with a personality disordered mate, you can count on it getting nasty, especially where it concerns fault. Another reality in the dissolution process, women are still favored by most  judges. This of course is due in part to “female nurturing” being seen as integral to proper child-hood development.  Now, if the woman is the emotional, verbal, or physical abuser, the concern will be for the best interest of those children. YOUR personal concern, not the judges, unless concrete evidence is presented otherwise.  This is a sensitive area of debate and must be backed with solid evidence that her dysfunction could affect the overall well-being of your children. Covertly recording in home interactions (arguments) between you and/or interaction with the children. Emails are substantial, and are excellent forms of evidence widely accepted by the courts. Any arrest records, or legal actions that occurred during the relationship are important. Also any psychological treatments performed with full documentation.

Please do not misinterpret that I’m conveying a gender bias here in any way. What I am implying is the reality that the courts make egregious mistakes over and over by allowing the personality disordered woman to be a custodial parent when sufficient evidence is there and then not properly presented.  The man has to prove her dysfunctional condition and that this particular concern deserves consideration by the courts in support of the children’s future welfare. Same for women who are dealing with their male abuser, difference is though, a woman in such position will most likely be supported by the courts more readily. Judges look at issues of child abandonment, drug use, and  exposure of sexual activity to the children by the mother. A woman can count on the man getting the children if a judge rules one or more of these issues present.  Typically though,  it is less complicated for a woman to receive the status of being the custodial parent. In summary,  number one here is, the welfare of the children. Number two, these children do not deserve to be exposed to the likes of a personality disordered parent day in and day out. One last point that I personally feel strong about is whomever becomes the custodial parent, DO NOT convey hatred, discontent, or depreciate the x-spouse when communicating with the children. These children have a right to love both their parents. The custodial parent should mentor their children through their hard times with the dysfunctional parent. You are their only true salvation to a normal adult life, so lead by example.

In this day in time, women or men can be the “bread-winners” financially, yet, the courts still favor the women generally speaking. The two common areas of financial that can affect one for a lifetime are “alimony” and “pensions.” A personality disordered mate, despite gender, will milk these for everything it is worth to them. This is their ultimate opportunity for long-term  reparation, to push the emotional knife deeper. The best suggestions I can offer here is to research, talk to friends, and acquaintances about who is the best attorney you can find in “Family Law.” Everyone’s circumstances vary within a marriage or long-term relationship, not to mention,  laws vary from state to state. So it would behoove the abused to seek good counsel to protect themselves from financial demise. You may pay more up front for a better attorney, hence, preventing a lifetime of financial ruin.

Personal items create some of the most absurd and adversarial situations during divorce proceedings. Many times it takes court orders to retrieve some of the most ridiculous of personal items. For the abused, think long and hard about what is truly important and leave “principles” out of your mind. Don’t allow your X to engage or anger you about insignificant items. When separating, take what you know is rightfully yours, and if there are questions about anything else, attempt to negotiate. If they are not amenable to such negotiation, you have two choices. One, decide if it is something you can replace later and not worry about it. Two, if it has financial or sentimental value, let the court order these items be returned to you. If the courts award these items to your X instead, walk away and be done forever more.

Lastly, we delve into the emotional and post trauma of the dysfunctional relationship. If there were children involved, the abused must resolve to the fact that you will deal with one another until one or the other literally dies. Fact of life, accept it. As I mentioned earlier, the emotionally healthy parent, whether assigned as the custodial parent or not, must maintain emotional discipline and maturity. Practicing such discipline will always be an advantage in a few ways. First and foremost, it allows one to create a new and productive life, to understand the past and not make the same mistakes again, and have a more fulfilling future relationship. As well, if your x-abuser ended up being the custodial parent, I can assure you, their antics will continue. Record every possible public conversation (confer w/attorney on phone recordings), record your children’s conversations when they visit you, no openly, covertly. Emails once again, are solid forms of documentation in court. Always remain calm and mature, allowing your X to shoot themselves in the foot. This could offer an opportunity to get the children out of this dysfunctional environment.

For those of you that had long-term relationships, former engagements, etc., most of what I have written above still applies. Expect some craziness to continue, expect them to take claim to things that aren’t truly theirs, expect them to engage you via phone, emails, text, whatever! Don’t put any act of dysfunction past them, they are capable of most anything that will hurt you. Your present advantage is, you know what to expect, and you can always be a couple of steps ahead the game. Don’t forget too, never believe a damn thing they say!!  Lastly, remain “NO CONTACT” and stay emotionally disconnected,..believe me, you are much safer this way.

I will do a  Part III specifically on the personal side of emotions post relationship and what not to do when going back into the dating world.

Cluster B’s- What to expect after the break-up Part I

Exploring your new-found freedom from the dysfunctional relationship can be filled with anticipation and excitement. Likewise, it can be filled with  frustration, confusion, cynicism, ,and you’ll feel like you’re back on an emotional roller coaster!  What you are experiencing is a different sort of emotional struggle, i.e., remaining  low self-esteem, poor physical health,  hatred, unsuccessful dating and dating fear, level of cynicism towards the opposite sex is most likely at an unhealthy levels, etc.  So the basis of this article is to guide you though the realities of what to expect from yourself and your abuser post dissolution.

In the beginning.. “THE X”

By now you understand that your former spouse/ significant other’s personality disorder is a life long condition and will typically get worse as they age.  If you were fortunate enough to escape without children involved, then the necessity to utilize coping skills will be very temporary, because you truly have nothing that binds or commits one another. Exceptions would be joint ownership of assets in an LTR Vs a Marriage.  Comparatively speaking, where post-dissolutions of marriage between two healthy personalities can work through issues, the unhealthy, high conflict personalities post dissolution always tend to remain in never-ending drama. This is due in part to the healthy personality not establishing solid boundaries from their former abuser. As there is usually a healthy personality involved in such dysfunctional former relationships, then it’s a matter of emotional discipline, emotional maturity, and learning coping skills.  As the former victim/abused, you must learn to be disciplined for the sake of your future happiness. One of the main reasons why one becomes a victim of abuse is a lack of discipline where it concerns relationship boundaries. A person may recognize some of the relationship dysfunction early on, however, tends to ignore the traits and characteristics of their mate. In essence, they are ignoring the boundaries that should have served them in the first place. Giving these emotional predators any “benefit of doubt” or “forgiveness”  is like giving them the rope to hang their victims. They prey on individuals that are forgiving, emotionally sound, and are romantics. It’s like “shooting fish in a Barrel” to them.

We’ve established that a former high conflict relationship without children, or investments is rather basic, you simply go “no contact.” This is not to say that it will be a “cake walk” in the beginning, because it will still require discipline. Everything still applies so pay close attention to detail. Here is the scary part, it doesn’t matter if the relationship was for months or years, your abuser believes they will always “own” you, that they will always have control over you, till death do you part! Their arrogance precedes them and believe all that they considered close to them during their lifetime can still be manipulated despite time.

All the perceptions and attitudes when one is in the abusive relationship MUST CHANGE in order to detach from the abuser. In other words, what you thought and believed then most likely has been weakened therefore, you will have to develop new and stronger patterns of thinking in order to successfully detach.

So many times after such a relationship is over, we tend to open our “emotional door” once more and the madness begins once again. This enables your abuser rather than disarming them.  The intent may have been good, and they may have given you a convincing or plausible story unrelated to the relationship in order to communicate with you. Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not  eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone. They will not change. So the importance of being disciplined in forming new perceptions, and attitudes towards the former abuser will serve in protecting all that is meaningful in your life. Sticking to your guns will initially piss off your abuser, so expect some new craziness to happen. Believe me, they will be digging deep into their “Bag of Tricks” to overcome their perceived perpetrator. Keep this in mind, they are capable of unimaginable and egregious behavior because your initiative of no contact has upset the very core of their being. Their nastiness can range from simple verbal attacks to being downright destructive. Do not underestimate them and be prepared for anything despite how well you think you may know them.

What the complete detachment and no contact process will create is and  “out of sight, out of mind” condition whereby pattens of behavior will change if appropriate measures of action are solid on behalf of the healthy personality involved. Otherwise, it can continue to be a “hell on earth.” Yes, it is up to you, because you must remember, they will never change!

If you were in a relationship with an NPD, most likely they will move on much more quickly than a BPD. NPD’s are more hurtful and damaging during a relationship Vs the BPD, however, the BPD tends to continue their madness after the fact.  BPD’s, Histrionic’s, Bipolar’s, have a variation in presence of conscience and emotion, therefore they struggle between reality and their perceived world. Whereas, the NPD has no presence of conscience, hence their ability to move on and seek a new victim or supply.

In summary, expect some continued craziness in the beginning of a break up, given time though, it will subside to a more manageable  level.  Do not engage or provoke your former abuser in any way, you are now in control, not them. Truth and reality are your abuser’s enemies because it sends their egocentric core reeling out of control, so stick to less emotional situations and resolves.

This is one of the most important aspects of your abuser that you must remind yourself of each time they speak, “they are masters of manipulation for the sake of self, not you, and not the children.”  Be disciplined in mind and heart to understand, your former abuser cares about no one but themselves. Remember too, just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they throw a little deception, manipulation, a lie or two, and you are now pissed off!  Amazing how easy they get you right where they want you!  Do not allow them to engage you this way, you are the better person, shame on them for doing this to you, and next time you will be a little smarter, right!  Life is too short to allow others drama and dysfunction to affect those they don’t deserve to be with in the first place. Always put your “thinking cap” on and make sound judgments when communication with your former abuser is necessary.

In my next post, we will talk about more strategies and coping skills to enable you in dealing with the likes of such dysfunctional individuals. In the meantime, no contact is your most viable boundary that can be initially implemented. There are other boundaries that must be set as well and I will provide suggestions where it concerns such personal boundaries.

 

Man and Woman- “Friendships after Sexual Intimacy”

Although this is far from my typical posts about personality disordered individuals, there are a combination of  circumstances to the story below that have emotional properties of dysfunction, such as ego, deception, and manipulation. It’s a true story regarding content and facts, and I would be interested to have my readers perceptions, opinions and comments once read.

The Truth of the matter is..

I would like to lay out a scenario that concerns a topic that affects so many interpersonal relationships in this day and time, that is “emotional infidelity.”  For emotional infidelity to occur there must be mutual emotional intimacy that enables a man and woman outside the realm of their true relationships. So, how does emotional infidelity typically manifest? First we have to look at the logistics of such a manifestation.  Most commonly,  co-workers.. makes sense, right! We spend on average 8 of our waking hours with such people. In the same environment, dependent upon status within a work environment, clients. Social interactions, company functions , etc.  There is one other area that raises a special interest to me due to my life’s experience and those friends and acquaintances.  Here is the scenario using fictitious names:

John and Jane had an intimate relationship all of 4 months. Jane was truly attracted to John for his looks, his successes, his personality,..he was the complete package in her mind. Likewise, John conveyed to Jane that she was a “catch” as well.  However, towards the latter part of this relationship John found out Jane could not provide him with children.  According to Jane, John simply stopped calling her. Jane is of course hurt, and very disappointed.  A month or so later, John called Jane to explain his reasons for breaking off the relationship. Long story short, Jane accepted his reasons and they decided to remain in a friendship thereafter.

Within approximately one year, John found a wonderful woman named Sarah, married her and had twins. Keep in mind, John and Jane remained friends, time has passed, and the twins are around 2 years old presently. Only recently though, has the new wife Sarah come to know Jane. Jane worked at the local bank where John does business, and John introduces them at the bank. Now, it is not clear to Sarah the full extent of John and Jane’s relationship, other than he’s known her for some years now.

During the course  of time John is married to Sarah, Jane and John have interacted in social ways, and for the sake of argument, we will leave their scenario as  innocent interaction.  Jane however, since the time of the breakup, still considers John a wonderful man, and has told other’s how great he is, even though Jane was disappointed their relationship did not work out. In the end, she conveys her happiness that John found what he wanted in life.

Since the recent introduction at the bank, John, Jane, and Sarah now socialize, and hang out at one another’s home. Jane now wants to befriend Sarah, to no longer be just an acquaintance.  Now Sarah still does not have a clue that John and Jane were lovers, and very intimate. She does not know that Jane still talks with others about John, as though he was the one that truly got away. The question here has many facets to it.  I’ll pose just a few below:

1)  Would it not be more ethical, moral, and rational for Jane to remove herself as an ex-lover for the sake of John and Sarah’s marriage?

2) Each week, month, year this facade continues between John and Jane will only amplify the mistrust and anger Sarah will have for each of them. Without knowledge of John and Jane’s previous relationship, Sarah will most likely accept Jane’s friendship, however, at what possible cost to Sarah’s marriage?

3) Every marriage has it’s emotional ups and downs, many times too, couples will say things they shouldn’t. John and Sarah are like everyone else, they are not exempt from these emotional situations. We cannot determine when the truth will come out,.. So if Jane continues this friendship with John and Sarah can we determine that the truth will inevitably come to light?

4) What is the true motivating factor for John and Jane to remain as friends,..Jane claims it’s because he’s honorable, and there is mutual respect between them as individuals. That neither of them would compromise the other’s relationship position. First off, Jane and John have already compromised their positions by hanging onto this friendship. Now let’s talk about honorable, if you recall earlier in this prose,  John dumped Jane. As well, he did not contact her until some time later, and then decided to explain his reasons for dumping her?!  A very honorable man indeed..right!

5) Jane quotes that John is one of her nearest  and dearest friends (I’m sure Sarah hasn’t heard this yet!)  So, with that being said, if paradise between John and Sarah should ever take a negative turn, could John possibly seek Jane as a confidant to pour his emotions out about his marriage?

6) Jane has stated that she is no threat to John’s marriage, that once she becomes closer to Sarah, then Sarah will truly understand she is not a threat. Jane speaks as though her and John’s past is history, and that the friendships between John, Jane and Sarah are a new beginning, based on trust. Interesting that Jane uses the word “trust”,.. I think where Jane is missing the boat is that she is already a threat. Not so much where physical or emotional fidelity is concerned, but by virtue of Sarah finding out the truth that is being hidden from her by John and Jane. Doesn’t it seem Jane is hiding behind the veil of trust!

I believe with the above information, there is enough to render some comments from my readers. I would like to make a few comments of my own. Granted, in order to maintain such a rare friendship, a person must be completely comfortable with themselves, i.e., their morals and ethics. However, we are dealing with 3 separate individuals, different genetic dispositions, demeanor, perceptions and opinions, despite possibly having similar values. When “paradise” is compromised somehow between John and Sarah, I believe things will eventually begin to surface  and it will bite everyone in the ass! Actually it will bite only John and Jane, Sarah will become the victim.

Considering John, Jane, and Sarah, there is a manipulation between John and Jane to maintain their friendship, hence a deception.  Where is John’s allegiance? Should be to Sarah, right?!  She is of course, his wife!  So, I ask once more, what is the motivation for John and Jane to maintain this deception? Just my humble opinion, this is not a healthy interaction as it stands. Once a couple enters into a marriage or engagement, anyone whom a man or woman has had previous sexual relations with should not remain as “close friends” within that relationship.  As adults, we accept from one another that previous sexual relations existed in our lives.  What we don’t want in a marriage is our previous sexual lives following us into “close friendships.” Such an interaction is the ultimate formula for emotional infidelity.   The success of such relationships as mentioned above are extremely rare, and they are rare for a  reason,.. because  the largest share of people believe in the sanctity of their marriage, and  preserving the bond of trust, not creating such possibilities of risk and compromising their marriage. It boils down to better choices to enable the qualities of a long and trustful relationship.

Some of you out there may have personally experienced such a scenario or have knowledge of others being living under these circumstances.  I welcome your comments/opinions free of any criticisms as I have already conveyed my perceptions and opinions. It’s wide open so have at it everyone!  Look forward to it.