Intimacy Vs Personality Disorders

PD= disorders that are histrionic, sociopathic, bi-polar and narcissistic

 

Living with a mate/significant other that has a personality disorder is enduring to say the least. Just the everyday sort of things become complicated and it clutters our minds. When it comes to intimacy, at any level, where do you believe you are?  Intimacy is a relatively large percentage of what makes a relationship work. The spectrum of intimacy include, Sexual, Verbal, Emotion, Intellectual, Spiritual and the Psyche.  Emphasis on the sexual aspect, due to how today’s society advocates it as a freedom of expression, is much too high.  The true intention of sexual intimacy is to bring together a deeper sense of love, to share the inner most self, to integrate the genders where they compliment one another emotionally.  Herein lies the problem with personality disorders, they cannot integrate with another at any level of intimacy. Sure, they may want love and intimacy, however, it is upon their terms. They have difficulty in “object constancy”or “splitting.”  Splitting is a term used to describe how a personality disordered person views people in a black or white manner. They are either all bad or they are all good, and someone that was all good one day, can be all bad another day. It is no wonder why a personality disordered person cannot integrate at intimate levels. The confusion rages on!

PD people live in the present, more accurately, they live in the moment. They are not concerned with the past nor the future. “Flying by the seat of their pants” is more satisfying than planning ahead.  As for the past, they suffer from what if called, “emotional amnesia.”  This lack of  memory is the inability to retain past pleasureable and intimate experiences.  Common responses from your PD would sound like, “I don’t recall it happening that way”, “You are a liar and are making things up!”  They truly cannot remember because intimacy is too complex, therefore it  is not pleasurable to them.   It is a mechanism that dilineates these emotional experiences as insignificant data, data that it only hinders their prime objectives, so they hit their brain’s delete button. A healthy personality uses the past to correct future mistakes. PD’s make no mistakes, so why bother with the past? That being said, how are we to expect them to change and embrace the true concepts of intimacy? Their anal and  subjective line of reasoning restricts their motivation to manifest intimacy at all!  To do so, would only distract them from their perceived allegiance to their already weakened state of mind. 

Sex in the mind of a PD is primarily for immediate gratification. They are forward about their sexual desires, they may want to experiment, typically though, there is no true foreplay, no true passion, no true bonding with intimate talk, they may not even be inclined to kiss. They are interested only in the result, to fulfill an orgasm(s). They are intimidated by the reality of intimacy for it could reveal their true inner self. They may want to get close, but not too close. PD’s feel they are entitled to ALL YOUR LOVE, without  reciprocation. Their ego demands such entitlement in all aspects of what they believe to be, a meaningful relationship. High ego, no self-esteem, therefore, they cannot betray themselves by allowing someone else to enter their world. It’s a “No Trespassing” zone.

Despite the reasons for their condition, be it, a traumatic life experience, a genetic predisposition, biochemical imbalances, one fact remains constant,..it is affecting the healthy personality, the victim of this abuse. Understand this with the utmost clarity, the prognosis is poor at best that PD’s will ever recover or change. This is not to say it is impossible, what I AM saying, it is HIGHLY improbable. Science is making headway in the treatment of specific personality disorders with drugs. However, like most drugs, there are numerous side effects. It then becomes, “which is worst, the cure or the disease itself.” Counselling for conditions like Narcissism, Histrionic, and Sociopathic  could take years and in most cases, it has been unsuccessful.

We all as humans wish to love and be loved in ways that give us value, that the person we are with is our true confidant and lover.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, it simply requires that we recognize our minor human differences, to take those things in stride, accept that person for who they are, be mutually agreeable, diplomatic and respectful. Share ideas and notions without adversity, and if you do, come to a resolve immediately.  Be faithful and trust one another implicitly. These are the things you look for in a mate that will probably never come to fruition in a Personality Disordered relationship.

The content of this publication or any publication on this blog site, is not to be construed as a replacement for professional help in these respective areas.  Any responses to enquiries are strictly in the opinion of the blog originator(s) , therefore, it is the responsibility of such enquirers to apply due diligence concerning accuracy,validity, and mindful use of this blogs information, content and/or suggestions. 

6 Responses to “Intimacy Vs Personality Disorders”

  1. Jon October 7, 2010 at 10:58 am #

    This blog is outstanding. Thank you for your efforts. BPD women are evil little critters, no doubt.

    • melove54 October 7, 2010 at 4:07 pm #

      Thanks Jon, I would assume that you or someone you know is involved with such an “evil critter”, lol, so pass the word on about my blog. I am here to assist emotionally, verbally, physically abused men and women alike to be informed, clarify, to provide opinions and important facts about what they are up against. Essentially, I am here to help beyond what I’ve written on my blog. Once again I appreciate your support.

  2. polly October 14, 2011 at 8:03 am #

    The father of my daughters is one of these critters. He takes reposnsibility for nothing or no-ones thoughts, differences or feelings including his daughters.Although at the ripe old age of 50 still he cannot keep a relationship. He falls in love very quickly and has just escaped from his female self, who has gone on to meet and marry her new husband within 6 months possibly less? What goes through these peoples minds ? My daughters have undoubtedly been affected by there dads numerous relationships sadly and have probably witness much more than they should have. Also they have been dragged into many arguments and precarious situations because of this volitile relationship. He has never been on his own and has always gone from one relationship into another. His family call him their Peter Pan brother. Is this behaviour consistent with this disorder. I have known this person for many years arent you supposed to learn by your mistakes? Someone please clarify.

    • melove54 October 14, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

      Polly,
      The thing is, if he is indeed a cluster B then they make no mistakes! In other words, the world in which they live does not allow them to be wrong, they must be in control at all times. This of course is unrealistic for all humans fault on a daily basis. And for most of us that are indeed normal personalities, will learn from our mistakes. The mistakes that normal healthy personalities make in such relationships is that we hope and pray that their dysfunctional partner will eventually get it, or catch on to what they do to others. This will never happen and in fact, they usually get progressively worse as they age. It is sad when children are involved. A parent is someone children desire to look up to and love unconditionally. This is difficult for them when a parent has such a personality disorder. Also, when the parent passes on, it is the desire of parents to believe when that time comes that their memory will live in the hearts of their children. The memory these cluster B’s leave are simply devastating ones heart.

      It is hard for a healthy personality to relate to such thought processes and that’s why we deeply believe they will eventually figure it out, usually at our emotional expense. Humanity allows us choices and freedoms to accept these people for who they are, it does not however maintain that we be drug down into their den of inequity for the sake of humanity, the choice is truly ours to be free from such craziness. Doesn’t make us bad for doing so, it simply means we care enough about ourselves and others to cut the dysfunctional one from their sources,..us.

      Another sad fact is that if this man is indeed a cluster B personality, that EVERYONE and ANYONE, this includes those he CLAIMS to love, will forever be his to control. Especially former women in his life, and most assuredly, his immediate family. Most times they are very convincing and seem sincere,..do not believe it! There is an endgame, a ploy, or result they require from their victims. You’ve heard the old cliche, “you know they’re lying because their lips are moving”, this is indeed the case with cluster B personalities. Hope this sheds some light on your question. Peace and prosperity to you and your loved ones in hopes you all can deal with this man in your life with the knowledge of this terrible disorder.

  3. Mike October 17, 2011 at 10:11 am #

    My wife was so anti sex. The first I detected something wrong was in this area within six months of marriage. This is the time when we should have been all over each other. Funny, she wanted kids. How? IVF? When I told her aunt to discuss with her she denied this as we then had kids. She concluded kids are a product of sex. I wanted her to find out if she was once abused so that she opens up and we go for counselling. As for forgetting the past, she will blame me for neglecting to entertain her even though the previous night we had a sumptuos meal and good expensive bottle of wine. She will just decide to tell me my late mother hated her. She is impulsive, irrational. She thrice abandoned me with kids. First 2 occassions 8 months at a time now 13 months after finding out her infidelity. She initiated divorce within 1 week of leaving and she stopped. I filed as I got tired of the rollercoaster and she is dragging the matter with delaying tactics. First defended by her cousin now new lawyers. When she started, she wanted this to be
    finalised asap. I got kids from court pending finalisation of divorce which has not yet been or court roll. Nowadays she is nice but a little disagreement she flips her lid and tomor nice again. Kids are 8 & 9. No suicide gestures but irrational. I am unable to accept she is not mentally healthy. Unofficially diagnosed bpd. I could not even hug her when I came back from work when things were rosy. She would literally run away and when I caught up with her and hugged her, she would be so angry and not talk to me in the next week if not more. She is a high functioning bpd. I suspect her family know her problem since everytime she abandons home, they help her

    with moving without trying to find out from me what the matter is. Granted, there could be smear campaign, you must still listen to the other party. She was raised an orphan and stayed at

    various places hence I suspect sexual abuse.

    • melove54 October 23, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

      Mike,
      Sounds like a typical cluster b that believes that it is indeed all about her,she gets what she wants when she wants it or else. Everyone is at her beckon call. Sexually speaking though, typically they don’t want the emotion involved in love making, just the sex itself. They don’t want to hear, “I love you” during or after sex, they usually want to hear, “you’re the best I’ve ever had”. If you put too much intimacy into love making, they tend to shy away from their mate and seek other forms of meaningless sex with others. They love being bad and getting away with it, and this is an option to fulfill their sexual desires. Most are highly oriented towards sex as it plays a role in the “orgasm” itself being a form of satisfaction that eases their putrid epicenter. Although temporary, they will just seek more of it to keep that core of theirs “happy” if you will.

      The type of abuse is not usually sexual in nature, children learn at very early ages to manipulate parents. The parent normally sees what the child is doing and either takes the proper action by disallowing the child to manipulate them, or the simply give them what they want assuming they would be a bad parent if they did not comply with the child. The worst case scenarios are those in long term relationships or marriages to a cluster b that had children from another marriage. Their children will normally walk all over the normal personality and if reported for bad behavior by normal personality, the cluster b will make an example of the normal personality, typically where the children can hear. The normal personality simply cannot win and will never have good relationships with these children. If the children are of both the cluster b and the normal personality, there will indeed be massive conflict within the child’s mind. There is only one choice in a situation like this and the normal personality must take time to properly love and nurture the minds of their children, be it during the marriage or post dissolution. At least they would have a fighting chance to have normal lives and be able to figure out that their dysfunctional parent needs help or to avoid engagement with that parent. Parents of a dysfunctional adult child will always support their own, and really do not care what the mate has to say. My X-NPD was an attorney, a litigator, and she always set me up for the fall in every situation, therefore, I was always looked upon as the bad guy, despite how many good things I did for her parents and her young son. I was just a pawn to be used. You lose in every way.

      I cannot fathom any longer spending the time and effort to accommodate people that cannot appreciate the good in me and taking advantage of such, life is indeed way too short and there are many choices on this planet where it concerns relationships. Never settle or you will regret your life being wasted with these dysfunctional creatures. Sounds cynical, but we all deserve happiness, seek this and that is what you will find. Take care of those kids, they deserve to know their mother, however, you must play the role of the diplomat and help them understand what to expect from mom in ways that they will use their own mind and make their own decisions about what is normal and what is not. Give them that fighting chance. Best wishes.

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