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Comfort Zones of the Abused

12 Mar

Is it possible to be simultaneously comfortable and uncomfortable in an inter-personal relationship? Absolutely, happens more often than we realize.  Though a person doesn’t necessarily have to be in an abusive relationship for this to happen.  We humans are unique in so many ways, therefore, no single individual approaches life’s ups and downs in the same manner. However, we are all similar in one respect, humans are “creatures of habit.”

Let’s start off with a simple example of human habit.  “Happy Hour” at the local watering hole! Every day after work people have a few drinks in order to satisfy their mindset about what therapeutic value this has for them.  The question is though, is it a responsible zone to be within? That would depend upon the individual. Remember, people are at Happy Hour for various reasons, none of which are the same between any one of them. Though this may be the case, the common denominator is this, they are all there for comfort in some form or fashion. Could simply be the social interaction, it could be just for the alcohol itself. It could go emotionally deeper, loss of a loved one, or they themselves being terminally ill. Despite what those specific reasons are, the habit is created / formed, and it becomes a source of comfort.

Let’s just take our everyday routine of raising children, being a husband or a wife, the duties we perform as such,  complacency sets in, and we begin to feel unfulfilled. Sound familiar to anyone?  This is where the individual copes with the rigors of life (comfort zone) but knows that there has to be more to life than what their daily routine offers. This could play out in several different ways once this mental interruption has taken place. In other words, the habit, the routine, the comfort zone will evolve, good, bad, or indifferent. The inter-personal relationship will no doubt be affected, good, bad, or indifferently. In the largest share of such cases, it normally works out bad, or indifferent, rather than good. Taking it one step further, mostly indifferent, which places the relationship back into the comfortable, yet uncomfortable zone. This is common in cases of physical abuse, where the man or woman on the receiving end of the abuse knows it’s wrong, however, they make the conscious decision to remain in this abusive relationship. It has become habit to the abused, therefore, they are comfortable. So many abused people get out of these types of relationships only to find themselves back in another abusive relationship.  Is it simply a matter of bad choices? Partially yes. It’s hard to break a habit, like smoking. Those who smoke know full well it’s bad for them, yet, they continue to smoke.  Same with the abuse, be it physical, verbal, or emotional abuse.

I have a dear friend that spent many years in a physically abusive relationship. Her and I have known each other since childhood. I know this woman well, she is beautiful inside and out, well-educated, and well established financially. She has remained unmarried for a number of years, and has dated with little satisfaction.  I have been conferring with her about the most recent relationship, and this gentleman ( I use that term loosely!) appears to be a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disordered individual. The stories she has conveyed about this man scream classic traits and characteristics of an NPD. He also has the propensity to be physically abusive when drinking. So why does she remain?  I need to confer with her a bit more, but it seems she is falling back into the physically abusive zone where she was once “comfortable” for many years. It’s like placing the reformed addict’s drug of choice on the table and then saying, “it’s up to you!”  At the very least, you will migrate towards that drug, all the while knowing it would be a bad decision / choice.  I asked my friend one simple question, “why do you continue to expose yourself to this man?” Her reply,.. “I don’t know!?”

Now let’s take a generation step backwards. We  have talked about ourselves, our habits, our routines, our comfort zones, but what about our mothers and fathers? How were we raised to think and believe. What did we witness, and fill our minds with by virtue of our exposure to them? Much of their actions, beliefs, etc. impacted  how we think, believe, and react. Their adversity was our adversity, their love was our love, and so on.  So in answer to my dear friend’s question, I provide the following excerpt:

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

  • *maladaptive – inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
  • *compulsive – psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
  • *sources of great emotional pain and stress – chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse;sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in “toxic relationships“, in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; ifcodependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

Could this be my friend? Could this be you? It’s a hard pill to swallow for any of us to admit that we could indeed be a codependent personality. To believe that we could possibly be “maladaptive” is not only a slap in the face, it’s a “black-eye!”  We created a deeply embedded “comfort zone” for ourselves as children, and then carried that comfort into our adult lives. Creatures of habit we are indeed.

It’s not as bad as you think, for acceptance that we have mismanaged our lives in order to cope with our personal / inter-personal environment, both as children and adults, is the first step towards recreating a new world for ourselves. My friend is right, she truly didn’t know, she realizes it’s wrong, but why? She is thinking in present terms, when the problem essentially relates to our earliest memories of childhood, the environment in which we were raised. In essence, she has to break the old habit of controlling her life to suit the needs of others and to understand where the basis of that need was derived, i.e., her family (Mother/Father/siblings).  Such an epiphany is life changing, and without these realizations we could never know why we do what we do. What we must realize most of all is this, “Do we deserve happiness?” Absolutely, and it’s never too late to  make it your reality.

Cluster B’s What to expect after the break-up Part III

12 Dec

Let’s summarize Parts I and II as a review once the break-up or separation has occurred..

a) YOUR CHILDREN- The children shall be your driving force towards your recovery. How? Quite simple, if you don’t act upon yourself in healthy ways towards recovery, then what kind of environment do you believe you will provide for them? Taking care of your physical and mental self is paramount to the welfare of your children. As well, it is always my hopes that most children that come out of these dysfunctional relationships are young (6 or less).  It is much easier when they are young and impressionable for them readjust without the dysfunction. If children are beyond the age of 10 and have been in the line of fire with a dysfunctional parent(s), then they are likely to acquire some of the bad characteristics and traits. This is not to say they will not change, however, it will be more difficult to help them change. Pay close attention to how your children react to you post break-up/divorce. Recognize the signs and learn to help them and not be frustrated or angry, instead devise ways to help them cope with their abusive parent. Remember too, you were a part of this dysfunction as well, so be culpable, and be understanding with the kids.

b) EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED FROM YOUR X-  an acquaintance I’ve known for some time was in a long-term relationship (7 years) with an emotional and verbally abusive woman. He was a well thought of personality amongst his peers.  Long story short, he fell prey to his X via a phone invitation to come over and see her post breakup. They had sex. His mind was reeling in confusion over what just transpired between them. He knew it was all a mistake, and left her place stating again that they could not continue this relationship. After he left, she wrecked her apartment, self-inflicted abrasions, and cuts upon herself, called the police and said she was raped. Semen samples, and a good theatrical performance landed him in jail, he now has a criminal record, cost him a fortune in legal fees, etc.. She literally brought his life as he knew it to an abrupt halt. Please, if there is a warning you must heed, especially when the break-up is recent, DO NOT BELIEVE YOU KNOW THEM SO WELL, BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY, AND MOST OF ALL, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THEIR EGREGIOUS NATURE. The previously mentioned gentleman told me that, “in his wildest dreams, he never would  have  imagined her going to such a level to perjure herself, and to hurt him!

So, if there appears to be a valid reason between you and the X to meet, then have witnesses, one possibly two friends. Two is better. Advise the X that is the condition of your valid meeting. They will either not agree to the meeting (so who cares, right!)  or they will moan and complain and still allow it to happen.  Use the phone camera to show the meeting occurred with all parties present. Ask your friends to be prepared to run the video on their phone if adversity occurs on the X’s behalf.   I believe everyone knows the acronym “CYA”,.. with Cluster B’s,  you must always cover yourself.

c) REMAIN NO CONTACT OR LIMITED CONTACT-  One must adhere to this policy when dealing with these emotional predators. This man I previously mentioned was weakened by his own emotions for this woman. She convincingly lured him in by virtue of his emotional weakness for her. When she didn’t get the result she wanted, she simply had to hurt him in some way. Whether you were married, short-term , long-term, man or woman, it doesn’t matter, do not underestimate the how extreme your abuser will relent to hurt you after the break-up. Usually the first 60 days are the worst. Typically NPD’s will have already found a potential supply by that time. They are much better behaved once a new supply is found, they are just the worst Cluster B to deal with during the relationship.  All other Cluster B ‘s after a breakup, and post divorce will continue their antics but will not be as extreme as the first couple of months. Remember, they are not emotional from the heart, they are incapable of  emoting love, kindness, empathy, etc.  To take back control of your life and sever the relationship will only upset their putrid core. You will have summoned their demon of restitution,  you are the perpetrator of all that has upset their ego, and that is unacceptable. You will have to pay a price, and this is why no-contact and limited contact is important.

d) EMOTIONAL MATURITY AND DISCIPLINE-  This is the toughest of all, for you have lived with the traits and characteristics of an emotionally dysfunctional mate. You most likely experienced every emotion from A-Z with this person, and have become emotionally weakened. So, to speak of emotional maturity and discipline is asking a lot of someone who has been emotionally, verbally, or even physically abused. This is where we truly begin Part III.

A FRESH START..

So here you are, the madness ends and a new life begins. You have broken the chains that have bound you for so long. Even though you may be generally happy about this dissolution, there is still a void you will initially feel.  There is no more emotional, verbal, or physical abuse  and the crazy-making antics of your abuser no longer exist,..there is a calm in your life now.

People in marriages, or just dating that qualify as healthy personalities usually move on with their lives after the break-up, and are less adversarial or dramatic towards one another thereafter, i.e., they are emotionally mature. Victims of personality disordered individuals post break-up, emotional escape is not always so simple. First thing you will experience is that you now have extra time on your hands and it will be imperative for the formerly abused to utilize this time productively. Here are a few suggestions:

1) Take all pictures that have your X in them and store these pics where you would not have convenient access. If you have pics on a computer, download them to disk and then store them in the same manner. The less visualizations the easier on the mind, basically, “out of sight,out of mind.” Destroying photos and digital images is fine if you were not married to this individual. For those who were married,  it’s best to keep photos for the children’s purposes later in life. Just store them somewhere protected and from easy access to you.

2)  MAIL is opportunity for your former abuser, and it is widely used to maintain contact and harass you. Under no conditions allow yourself to be drawn into this trap of  hand delivering mail or picking up your mail from them. If you are the one moving to a new residence, just ensure USPS has all the correct info to properly forward your mail. If you somehow get your X’s mail through the new address, simply write on the envelope “not resident of this address” and return through the postal system. Either way, if they have your mail or you have theirs, do your best to have it forwarded via USPS, because what you think is a kind gesture or having sincere intentions will turn out to be another opportunity for them to hurt you. Don’t take the chance.

3) Communication is only necessary for those that were in marriages/inter-personal relationships with children. If you were not married, and had no children then it is suggested to change your phone numbers(land line and cell), email addresses, and uphold the”no contact” rule.  Contact with an X should only be limited to the children’s concerns and handled with care and maturity. Unfortunately, when there are children involved, the X will create so many unnecessary situations throughout the divorce proceedings and post divorce using the children as leverage. Examples would be their interpretations on custody, visitation, child support, and alimony if applicable. It will never completely go away.  The good news is they will eventually find a new supply and that will most definitely take a good share of the attention off of you.

4) Postpone dating for a while.  Typically after the breakup, there will be some unhealthy cynicism towards the opposite sex. Some formerly abused individuals walk away with a minimal amount of emotional baggage, others have emotional freight, as in ship-loads!  Truly, it is not advisable to enter into dating until you take the opportunity to work on yourself first. Socializing is good, and there are so many ways to socialize. Get on the internet and see what’s happening in your area. I would highly suggest, especially in the beginning to stay away from the bars. Alcohol is a depressant and when one is emotionally recovering, that is something you don’t need right-away.   The internet is full of sources for self-healing from such dysfunctional relationships. On this site, there is a 6 phase recovery program, although brief, it is powerful in that it taps into self deeply. There is no magic pill, and recovery will not happen overnight. It requires extreme discipline and that alone will take time.  Every day is a day of progress if you put your heart, soul and mind into it. Have clarity about what you want and get your priorities in-line. The empty feeling should leave in 2 months or less. Realistically speaking, 6-8 months is about average for a healthy recovery. Some people recover well on the outside and still carry the hurt inside, they are guarded and protective of their heart. Let me just say this, no matter who you choose as your next mate, there is ALWAYS risk. However, without risk, there is no reward. If you go into a relationship understanding risks and rewards then you have matured, for this is a reality of life. Keep in mind, your new mate takes the same risk with you.

Socializing, being physically active, making certain lifestyle changes like eating healthy, acquire new hobbies, etc. Simply put, have clarity about what is important in your life and why.  It’s not such a long  journey really, and time does manifest healing if you put positive energy into it.

When you begin to feel comfortable about yourself and wish to begin dating, please do one thing of great importance to your future relationship. Redefine what love is to you. In many cases where healthy personalities fall into the clutches of a Cluster B mate, the only tie the victim believed they had to their abuser was love. Let me assure you the emotion you felt was not one of love. Love did not exist, because you believed that love was the only thing in the relationship that could bring some form of solace to your heart and mind. Believe it or not, your abuser created this facade of love for you to live within. Scary but true! Now that we understand many of red-flags and what not to do, doesn’t necessarily mean we have truly defined love. This is a subject you can also find much information on the internet, and there is too much to discuss in this post about love itself so study love with great diligence.  It may surprise you.

One of the biggest mistakes most victims make when dating again is they talk too much about the X relationship. This will indeed end up in disappointment for both parties, therefore, non-productive towards the recovery process. For the most part, everyone who dates are curious about the other’s X relationship(s), Invariably, they always ask “what happened?” More times than not it opens up an emotional “can of worms” so it is important to minimize/eliminate any depreciation or hatred for the X.  The best impression one can make when dating is to show emotional maturity. Look at your replies as being a way to test your emotional maturity, your self-control. By pass the X subject by showing genuine interest in your new prospect in all aspects.. If you really want to get down to someones personality, talk about their family. Seek out how they interact with all their immediate family, primarily mother and father, guardian, etc.  They are the basis where the bad characteristics and traits begin.  Siblings and children would be your next interest. Be fair and open, but pay close attention to what they say. As well, don’t try to be someone’s rescuer if they are having emotional or financial problems. It’s a probable red-flag!  Remember this with the utmost importance, each and every person you date is “not your X!” Again be fair, do not tie a simple habit(s), use of words, etc. as a reason to “run for the hills.”  You are looking for something deeper than trivial idiosyncrasies, we all have them for no one is perfect. You are looking at traits and characteristics you can live with or not. Date casually without commitments in the beginning, and if it was meant to be, it will come back full circle.

This is also another mistake men and women alike make when dating, they tend to engage in adversity, just like old times with the Cluster B. If you happen to begin responding towards another negatively, DO NOT JUSTIFY YOUR ACTIONS, it’s wrong, you know it, suck it up and be mature. Now, if your new prospect decides to be verbally aggressive you simply stop, take a deep cleansing breath, and think before you speak. Decide what it is your prospect is trying to say, if some action you took initiated their response. Maybe it reminded them of their mother, father, X husband or boyfriend. Simply put, be the wiser person, and if it goes nowhere, then move on. There are plenty of dating prospects available.

In summary, the primary goal of each and every aforementioned action is the total betterment of your personal self in order to enjoy and benefit in your new life with your children and a future mate. Self must always be the priority in recovery cases, as it will serve to manifest the life you deserve. Your family and friends will benefit as well. Your comments or questions are welcome.

Trust, a key to your decision!

30 Sep

There are several key aspects of relationships that are essential to success and longevity, such as, communication, emotional maturity, intimacy at all levels, morals, ethics, and similar interests. However, the one aspect that will truly make or break a relationship is Trust. You can have everything else, however, without trust, there is no hope.

Is it possible to have everything else and no trust? Absolutely.. What we have to define in a relationship is a true and realistic assessment of those things that seem to be in order, when trust is apparently absent. It’s all relative. One person may consider themselves as intensely intimate, or a good communicator, yet, another individual may perceive that person as lacking in such skills. When dealing with personality disordered individuals, be it man or woman, the abused tends to live in their abuser’s facade. A world created by the abuser that has affected the reality, logic, and emotions of their victim.  Deep inside though, the victim is cognizant they are being hurt emotionally, verbally and  physically as well. The abused then adheres to their abuser’s wants and needs, a form of self-distraction (more like self-destruction) to the truth and realities of their abusive relationship.  Once this stage occurs, there is a common tendency for the abused to also form traits and characteristics much like the abuser. The ulterior motive of the abuser, CONTROL! Essentially, the abuser peels back the protective layers of their victim, and literally begins to slowly poison their core. End result, the abused submits, creating a virtual, never ending drama that the abuser uses as a tool in their arsenal of control.  

If you believe you are the victim of an abusive relationship then let’s assess your situation through Trust. Here are some key points as a daily reminder to enable yourself in making that life changing decision to exit the abusive relationship:

  1. Today, do you trust yourself, your intuition,  that you’ve made mindful, realistic, and appropriate decisions where it concerns your significant other, your children, and your life in general?  Are you  questioning such things as your self-worth, why you validate your abuser’s opinions/ perceptions, the poor environment you and your s.o. are creating for the children? Do you feel as though you’re slowing relinquishing and submitting  your core values and beliefs at the expense of what you perceive to be love, happiness, an undeniable bond between two people? Here’s the reality check, you are giving up on yourself, and giving into your abuser’s control. The ability to trust your judgement, your intuition, to do what is in the best interest of self and family belongs to your abuser. Your life no longer belongs to you!!! Now that you’ve done this, can you trust your abuser to do what’s in your best interest? Hello!!!! I don’t think so!! 
  2. Can you trust your significant other in that they would never hurt you in any way, shape, or form? If you recognize that everyday is a new “mine field” of interpersonal experiences, then trust is most certainly absent. If you are “walking on eggshells” then you do not trust that your significant other’s behavior will be appropriate, that they will not treat you with the respect you deserve, that despite your good intentions, you will falter in some way. Rest assured, you SHALL be made accountable for your abuser’s actions.  You can discuss and communicate, you can read books on improving relationships, you can seek counselling, and all that will become of it, is more of the same shit. All these things work with somewhat normal couples, ones that have the ability to admit to their own individual short-comings, and are totally willing to dedicate the time and effort towards improving their relationship. A personality disordered individual has about a 1 in 99 chance of such improvement. In most cases, it will make it worse than before for the abused. The abuser will portray good intentions, yet, what they truly feel is resentment, that you’ve trespassed beyond their protected boundaries of their self-centered world. It’s a dangerous place to be for the abused! At a rate of 1 in 99 chance of recovery, the odds certainly do not favor either party in the relationship. Therefore, it is imperative to understand, your abuser cannot be trusted to fulfill such an obligation to the relationship.
  3. Look at the historical aspects of your relationship. Everyone’s life is a book. Reread the chapters of this relationship using trust as your guideline. Were there lies, deception, infidelity,criticisms,  rhetoric and egregious actions by your abuser that spoke louder than their self-serving words?  These are all unequivicably trust issues. How many chances would you give a friendship, if this friend treated you the way your significant other does?  Trust yourself and your intuition, and once you’ve reread the chapters of your relationship using trust as your guideline, close this book and never reopen it again. Once we’re free of the abuse, there is always a propensity to pick that book up again and fill ourselves with hate, resentment, and regret. That book is a vehicle of your present and future self-destruction. You can’t change history, you can’t change your abuser, you can’t sacrifice yourself for the sake of someone you cannot trust. You live with self , you are accountable and responsible for self 24/7, so let your abuser do the same. I can assure you, they will without a doubt, take on a new victim and do exactly what they did to you!  It’s inevitable, it’s reality, and wish them good riddance.  Trust is the basis for all that is good in our lives, your children trust you as parent, you lean on your family when times are bad, you trust friends to be your support system in these situations. However, when it is notably obvious to these people in your life, that you are being drug down mentally, and physically in such a relationship, there is high probability you will lose the trust and respect of these people as well. They know when you make excuses for your abuser, and feel whatever positive light you try to shed on the relationship, they know it is all a lie. You words will eventually fall upon deaf ears, they simply do not want to hear it any longer. Don’t underestimate what these people see and experience through you.

You can apply the word “Trust” to anyone involved in your life, be it close friends, acquaintenances, family, children, and all are a reflection of you as an individual. When you are talked about in negative ways, criticized and possibly even ostracized by those closest to you, then you must reassess your ability to make wiser choices.  Abuse, be it physical, emotional or verbal, the choice is crystal clear.. close the old book and begin a fresh new Chapter One in your life. What you don’t want to do is live under these circumstances and realize you’re 60+ years old and regret not doing something about it sooner. No matter what it financially costs you, there is opportunity, there is someone out there for you that will make you feel like you deserve to feel. If you have children, I can assure you if you continue the dysfunctional relationship, the drama will continue with them as well. Better to have one parent that is normal, rather than two that are “crazy-making” all the time. Trust yourself first and foremost, the rest will come naturally.

NBC Today -Narcissism

21 Aug

 

Katie Couric interviews two Doctors of psychology regarding Narcissism. Notice the facial expression, body language of Dr. Drew Pinsky, after Katie asks how do you deal with a N in a relationship. Note also his enthusiasm, as if he wanted to say, “let me tell you about what you really don’t know! The last 30 seconds of this video reinforces a point I have made throughout many of my pages and posts about the abused being a contributor to the abusive relationship. Click below..

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUhE8oulQjk

A little psych humor..

Embarrassing Situations!-

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” By now, the entire bar is staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!”

A matter of Trust, Chronic lies and deception..

5 Aug

dreamstime_1875229[1]Being in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship, I can only speak for myself in saying that the lies and deception perpetrated upon me had the most  impinging emotional effect. It’s a betrayal of trust that I just couldn’t seem to shake off.  When dealing with personality disordered individuals, this behavior is the most prevalent of all traits and characteristics, it is the basis of their delusional thinking, it is their language for survival. Healthy personalities do indeed “lie”, or let’s say we typically tend to omit, subtlely manipulate truths from time to time. It’s innate. If we were to say what was on our mind most times may affect us, and maybe others in negative ways. As an example, being complimentary to someone, that may not deserve it, to avoid confrontation or simply, not hurt their feelings, are referred to as our “little white lies.”  Whatever the case may be, we do so to allow ourselves to remain neutral, or to protect ourselves and/or others.  This is human nature, it is expected and thereby is the mean by which healthy personalities function. 

The degree of a lie is relative to the degree of consequences and outcomes.  This is what separates the healthy Vs the personality disordered individual. A personality disordered person manipulates truth and reality through the chronic or compulsive use of lies and deception. Here is a story that you can relate how manipulation works: Let’s say you’re out of town, and you are conversing with your significant other by phone.  Your s.o. and you agree it’s been a long hard day and you both simply want to relax. Your s.o. is at home, and he/she states they’re going to throw a DVD in and go to bed afterwards. You say goodnight, and I love you to one another. Now, two weeks later, you find out through other sources, that your s.o. was at a friends house on the aforementioned night you were out of town. So you ask why the deception and their reply was, “I changed my mind,.. I was bored.”  Recalling that your conversation with your s.o. was at 8:30pm on a work night, you then have to wonder why your s.o. would travel to a friends house that is 40 minutes from their home, just because they were bored? That’s a 1 hour 20 minute round trip, which would put a normal working person in around their bedtime. That is, if they just drove over and immediately back.  The guilty s.o. defends their actions in that “they’re an adult and have the right to change their mind”, etc. The end result was, the onus of trust was projected upon the innocent party( “how dare you question my whereabouts, and motives!!” You do not trust me do you?! I could question you about your out of town trip, and you don’t see me doing that now do you?!) By the way, this is  a true account of a situation I encountered with my finacee, and later discovered they went “bar-hopping” that night. Bar-hopping was never a part of our social activities and that was a mutual feeling between us, or so I thought. She stayed at her friends house  (a friend that she always spoke poorly of due to her promiscuity) and went to work later that morning. The benefits of being in business for yourself.  Despite this argument may have the slightest bit of credence, i.e., Entitlement; “I’m an adult, and have the right to change my mind,” most peoples intuition in assimilating various facts that don’t quite fit, are usually valid. We tend to ignore, rather than trust our “intuition”, our “gut feelings”  that something is amiss. It was apparent to me that I was being deceived, yet, instead of trusting my intuition, I simply buried my head in the sand. This is what most abused people do in these dysfunctional relationships. Believe me, transparency is not a virtue of your abuser.  When the abuser is confronted with logic, reality and truth, it engages their self-preservation mode and they will disorient you. So, prepare for the lies and deceptive head games to begin!

The ideology of the personality disordered individuals is about personal gain through these tools of deception and lies. It is defined in the more true sense as manipulation. Manipulating truth and reality, hence, lies and deception. They are convincingly good at it most times and other times, depending upon the circumstances, you stand there in awe, dumbfounded that they expect you to believe them. I would like to share another story about my abuser that was a total insult of my intelligence, so you can relate and maybe help you to realize the egregious nature of their lies.

My former abuser had a business of her own, with a business front and clients that visited her daily. Typically, towards the end of the day(once or twice a week), I would stop by her office and we would decide on dinner plans and such. Her secretary was not in that particular day. I noticed her conference room door was closed and I could hear conversation going on. So, I sat in the waiting room. Now this is around 4:45pm, she closes at 5:00pm. Keep in mind, we had been together for 3 years at the time, and making such visits as I did never was an issue. She comes out of the conference room to find me in the waiting room. The look on her face was that of total surprise! As I looked back at her, there was a delay, as if she was searching for something in her mind. I asked, “Is everything o.k. honey? She then replied, Uh, yes sir, what can I do for you today? I kind of chuckled, and said, “well mam, I wanted to know what you wanted to do for dinner tonight? She was looking from the corner of her eyes, back towards the conference room, and then said, “Well sir, my secretary is not in right now, but if you would call her in the morning, she can set you up an appointment.”  I then replied, “what are you doing?” She replied, “No sir, I have no open time to see you today.” She did not blink an eye?! She was totally serious about this act/performance she was giving! My response at that point was, “call me on my cell phone when you are done. Her reply, “Thank you for dropping in sir”, then turned around and walked back into the conference room. She gave me no signals or signs, she could have whispered to me, or simply be open and tell the truth! She could have done a multitude of things, however, she apparently did not want the person in the conference room to know that I existed.  She wanted me out of her office!? 

 Needless to say, she did not call me on the cell phone, she did not arrive home until 7:45pm, and she was not hungry. She immediately upon her arrival lambasted me regarding showing up at her place of business unannounced, that she wishes to maintain a professional environment in her workplace, and that I should never just pop in like that again. I asked, “why is it now that you take issue to this, when it was never a problem before? I then received a surprising response of, “what do you think I was doing in there, Fucking my client?” By virtue of this statement, she gave away that it was indeed a male client in the conference room. Otherwise, if it was a female client, such a comment would have no relevancy. Honestly, I don’t believe it would have taken a strong “gut feeling” to figure out something was up, based upon her elusive behavior, and to immediately gain control of the situation. Let’s play the devil’s advocate role here and say it was a high profile client and she did want to portray the air of professionalism. The normal and appropriate behavior would be to apologize for her behavior later, and explain the circumstances she was under. To sincerely extend such courtesies would allow me to be more understanding and relate to her possible quandary. However, could she have not just come close to me and said in a low tone of voice, “listen, I have a high profile client in the conference room right now, I’ll call you a little bit later and explain.”  I don’t believe I’m being presumptuous to say that is the more courteous and rational approach, Vs her “Academy Award” performance.  Instead,  I was persecuted for my mere existence in the situation. Who knows, I’ll never know the truth about that one.. Long story short, this was an isolated situation, because thereafter, I continued to come by her office unannounced and it was never addressed again. 

This experience aroused my suspicions,and my trust in her. She did not feel the need to explain her actions, there was no apology, and her lack of courtesy to call and apprise me of her plans direspected our relationship in general. By willfully projecting her guilty actions upon me was a self-serving ploy to hide the truth. One of worst parts of it was the theatrics, antics and gyrations she went through to deceive and manipulate me. This woman believed that she was justified in every way, she did not see the need to extend any form of courtesy. In her mind, I was the perpetrator, I was not entitled to know of her plans, and I was the intruder of her personal space. The portrayal of me intruding upon her professional space was the facade. It was a non-existent, fabricated policy designed to serve the moments purpose. Our confrontation that evening was brief, as I did not wish to engage in any more the rhetoric and lies. My intuition told me she was full of shit, yet, I buried my head in the sand once again. This illustrates the nature of he beast where it concerns people with such personality disorders and the lengths they will go to service their dysfunctional, egocentric epicenter. They are predators indeed!

In this scenario, it also proves the lack of conscience that a personality disordered individual maintains. All wrapped up in one neat dysfunctional package, lies, deception, manipulation, untrustworthy, and void of ethics and morals. We lasted another two years after that, and I thank god each day that I had the internal fortitude to save myself. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no excuse for the abused to continue to endure the egregious nature of these predators. Life is full of opportunity for a real relationship and we only have one life to live. Some of you feel vested with a few years or more in such a relationship, however, do you really want to live in a world of chronic lies, and deception?  To always feel the lack of trust you have for your wife/ husband, finacee, or boy/girlfriend? It’s like I said in one of my earlier posts, “the love you feel for your dysfunctional mate was created by you alone. This mate only creates the facade for which your love exists.”  In other words, you were tactically deceived to believe love existed. It was all a lie!  They require your love and adulation, however, they will never reciprocate in appropriate ways. The accepted Societal rules where it concerns morals, and ethics do not apply either, for they have their own set of standards and rules by which they exist. You cannot give that which they cannot intimately receive, your love, your heart and soul. You cannot trust these individuals with such precious gifts of life because they envy this of you, and will not allow you to live by any standard but their own. They will consume you through their own insecurities and inadequacies.

Trust takes on many different forms in a relationship and it is an essential ingredient to a successful relationship. As humans, we all seek to trust in our fellow man and woman. It is not only a basis for strong interpersonal relationships, it is also the basis of strong and meaningful friendships. So, from that point of view, could you trust your personality disordered wife, husband, fiancee, boy/girlfriend, as a true and reliable friend? Do any of your friends treat you as your disordered mate does? Would they be the first person you would call to go “hang out” somewhere? I’m willing to step out on a limb and say, most likely not.  BPD’s, NPD’s, Histrionics,etc., have presence of many overlapping traits that exist and you the abused, simply need to become more cognizant about. To be diagnosed with a specific personality should not be as important to the abused Vs that abuse exist in the relationship. Research these conditions, relate to them, and know how many signs of abuse apply to you. Lies, deception and manipulation is on-going and prevelent within your relationship, whether you realize this or not. Most of you I believe are aware, you simply ignore it and make excuses for your abuser. Nothing personal, it’s reality, and I too had to come to this realization! In my abuser’s last attempt to rationalize with me, when I said it was finally over, she made the following statement, “Tell me how many people you know that are happy in their relationships? No one!!!  Do you hear me, no one!!  So what makes us any different? Her true colors were revealed at that moment,.. that’s when I knew it was all a lie..

Most of you in these dysfunctional relationships want to know how to ease your pain, how to deal with your abuser more effectively and find some relief.  There are numerous sources out there by which you can learn to understand the signs and differences of such personality disorders. We are in a time, whereby the field of psychology has not yet been able to create a viable construct to source a cure for these personality dysfunctions. In fact, most clinicians and psychologist fear engaging and treating these diagnosed personalities!  There are few sources for psychologist that specialize in treating such personality disorders. In summary, current efforts have not made the strides necessary for us the abused, to save our abusers. Therefore, most suggest that exiting the relationship is the most viable option. It is sad to say, that even the community of psychologist and clinicians cannot “trust” these personality disordered patients to be cooperative and truthful.  If these professionals can’t trust them, why should we?

Personality Disorders- Can Mutual Respect Exist?

3 Aug

 

Personality disordered individuals are savvy and relatively aware of the necessity to present themselves as socially adept people.  However, due to  conditioned responses by virtue of their disorder, self-preservation exudes a multitude of unconscious reactions. Personality disordered individuals also have an overwhelming sense of entitlement, they are righteous, therefore, there is no space in their core to support respect, courtesy,  nor sincerity. They will play the game of the “normal social arena, but they will be anxious to rid themselves of this normal behavior.  They will respect/admire people of power, still though, not like normal personalities will. “Willingness and generosity in providing something needed”, defies the very essence of what an abuser has created within themselves. Interpersonal relationships are 98% unsuccessful because this environment is where they can relieve their stress of normal interaction throughout the course of a workday. It’s like the addage about coming home and kicking the family dog.  Dog can’t talk, right!  And if you are the “dog”, the person being abused, try talking to friends and family about your abusive situation.  Many of these personality disordered individuals  outwardly portray to others the existence of mutual respect, courtesy, sincerity, love, etc.,  in the relationship. It is important to realize this because the affected person will tend to relate their situation with people close to them. Disbelief will become a result of your effort to confide in others. This is due to the facade your abuser portrays.(all that was conveyed to others,i.e.,untruths/half truths of their personal image, their sacrifices to the relationship, etc.)  PD’s  are normally charming and amicable towards all others, except you. No one else knows what goes on “behind closed doors” in your relationship, therefore, it is hard for others to fathom what you say. Many times, conversations amongst acquaintances, friends and such will be a set-up by your abuser, because they know what buttons to push that irritate and anger you. One prime example is how a personality disordered individual will interrupt your conversations with friends and family, as if what they have to say is either more important or more interesting than what your were speaking about.  You may or may not outwardly react or display such frustration, however, these other people can sense the emotion is there and you are percieved as the ” problem ” personality.  Remember, they are socially adept, charismatic and charming, their cunning interruption was not perceived as such by these other people. It is best to let it slide for the issue will be viewed as how rude you were to react Vs their interruption, despite their discourteousness towards you. If you end up at home in a debate about their interruption, well, we all know when we are in such debates, we tend to interrupt one another. Your abuser will use that against you, i.e., “you talk about me interrupting, look at what you’re doing now!! I can’t even get a word in edgewise because of your rude, interruptive behavior!!” See how it works! And you know in your heart and soul, they were the one with lack for courtesy! They clearly took the wind out of your sails and left you in a perplexed state of mind.  Projection at its finest!

Your abuser cannot comprehend that you are a human being, separate from them, with basic human needs separate from theirs. So why, in their minds, should they extend the gracious behavior of courtesy? To extend courtesy means you are willing to do something for someone that you respect, care for, and/or , love and trust. It comes from the heart, it is an emotional function initiated by virtue of these things.  Below are a few simple courtesies that usually become issues/debates between the abuser and the abused:

  • Courtesy of Time- probably one of the most fought over issues in a relationship. We all account for time in our lives in many ways and the reason that it becomes an issue, even in healthy relationships, is that we desire to be equals where it concerns responsibilities in life. i.e., husband is the sole financial provider and the wife takes care of 3 children and the home-front, the courtesy is that both recognize their individual duties as integral to the success of their relationship. The courtesies they perform are such that it is agreed and understood between them, what is expected for continued success. In a dysfunctional, emotional and verbally abusive relationship, there is no reciprocity, no understanding, no agreement, due to the one-sided, selfish needs of the abuser. If the abuser shows up late for dinner consistently without the courtesy of a call, there is no understanding in their mind that you matter where it concerns such time. They consider it THEIR time, and if you question their lateness, you have questioned THEIR perceived integrity as your mate, rather than viewing the reality or truth.  They are totally conscious of their lateness, and will deal with their attack when they finally arrive. To expect the courtesy of a call is simply viewed as intrusive to the abuser. The responses the abused will receive are usually unconscious in nature, due to their life long conditioning. The abuser will respond in a  “fly by the seat of their pants” manner and see what “sticks to the wall.” Remember, they are far more savvy about normal human behavior because of their experience and conditioning of manipulating normal people.
  • Courtesy of Appreciation- When one goes above the call of duty to do something for the other, be it a loving gesture, acts of service, acts of kindness, then it is the undeniable right of the giving party to expect a courteous gesture of appreciation. Where it concerns the abuser, they feel entitled to receive without conveying appreciation. I remember with my abuser, when I did things for her, I expressed my unhappiness of her inability to be courteous, to recognize what I do and  simply to say thank you. From that day forward, her appreciation was always conveyed in such sarcastic tones like, “I just want you to know that I appreciate what you have done for me, because god forbid, if I did not recognize this, you might become unhappy or believe that I didn’t care!”  This insincere statement, followed by the “I got one over on you” smirk and the body language that followed, exuded lack courtesy and lost any sense of merit for appreciation whatsoever. As well, in any future conversations of similar nature, she would contend and defend herself by saying, “Did I not say I appreciated what you did for me in the past?!?!”  Despite that in the past, she conveyed her appreciation insincerely and in a condescending way, she would manipulate the context by using only those key words and negating her sarcasms and condescension. This would always be followed by,”I don’t remember it happening that way, and besides,  I resent that you imply such a thing! You wanted appreciation, I show you appreciation, and you come up with that bullshit! I’ve had it with your dictatorial attitude,.. I don’t need a daddy to tell me what to do or how I should feel! I refuse to be made to feel guilty about how I should show my appreciation!! I refuse to be engaged in an argument you!!”  All wrapped up in one neat manipulative package, she just projected all her own guilt, and egregious actions upon me. You stand there in awe, trying to understand how she could forget her malicious approach and haughty attitude. She negated all the other words and actions and hyper-focused only upon those words, “I appreciate what you did for me.” Sound familiar to anyone out there?
  • Courtesy  “to agree, that we can disagree”- I believe you the abused can agree with me that “agreeing to disagree” does not exist in the emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. This is an issue of mutual respect, you are extending the courtesy that your significant other is entitled to their own opinion. I reflect upon the words I heard so many times , “When did this ever become about you?”, and realized then, it was not so much the lack of respect for my opinion , it was the contempt she conveyed in order to create an illusion of lack of respect for her opinion instead. You see, you are not entitled to an opinion, because the underlying motivation of your abuser is to discredit and invalidate you. It’s about them, not you! To expect your abuser to express courtesy regarding your perceptions or opinions, only disrupts their core beliefs. These beliefs are oriented only towards self and do not apply to others. They love to hear themselves talk, and when you talk, it’s like the annoying static you hear on a radio. The  fact that we the abused must concede to is this,.. the mutual respect of your opinions/perceptions , to extend such courtesy “to agree, that we disagree”, shall never exist within your abuser. It is a “one way street”, laded with rhetoric and  “double-standard” interpretations.” 
  • Courtesy towards feelings-  This in essence, is your bundle package of all the above courtesies in that there is one single common denominator that separates the abuser from the abused,..Conscience.  To be courteous in any way, to extend graciousness and gestures of kindness, you must have presence of conscience. This is an act of willingness to give into your heart and do for someone else out of appreciation, and respect, without the emotional costs. As you the abused have already discovered, there is always a price to pay to your abuser. Your abuser has convinced you that you are indeed the perpetrator of all that is bad in your relationship, that you have violated their feelings and emotions, that you are the one that is discourteous and disrespectful by virtue of disagreeing with their outlook, their mindset, and their opinions, despite how irrational and illogical they may seem. Although their core value system is flawed, to challenge their beliefs is to have your emotional core ripped to shreds, to manipulate your values to more suit their own. As time goes on, your level of frustration places you in a position of self-doubt. You begin to wonder if your abuser is more right than you previously believed. You are now at the stage of becoming your abuser’s “emotional prisoner.”

In summary, if you take any form of ethical behavior, such as, courtesy, respect, trust, fidelity, morality, etc., it simply does not fit into the personality disordered person’s agenda. The charisma and acceptable social behavior of most personality disordered people is their awareness that they must indeed function outside their own belief system. This is why they are abusive typically to those closest to them. You are their release from the reality of life, and they hate that you live by the more socially accepted standard. Therefore, they will relentlessly pursue control of you by their standards and beliefs.   I was initially humored by my abuser when she came home at the end of a day and reopened the previous days debate with, “I talked to 10 of my colleagues today, using our scenario as a hypothetical situation, and they all agreed with my perception!”  I replied, “it’s amazing to me that you need to take a census to justify your perceptions,..you’re an educated and intelligent woman. So why can’t you  figure it out for yourself?” Oh shit, did I ever pay for that one!!  If you ever want to “light a fire” under a personality disordered individual, just relate to TRUTH and REALITY! These are their number one enemies! In that scenario, all she wanted was to discredit me through her census because I had not yet submitted to her the night before. This is not to say that I previously challenged her opinion, as I stated to her, prior to the so called “census” , “you are entitled to your opinion, as I am entitled to mine.”  She did not wish to submit to this open-ended result. What she did truly want was my submission, despite her perception. On the first day of our differences, I asked her why is was so important for her to be right? She stood there with a perplexed look on her face, and said, “I want you to embrace my way of thinking.”  Her head then down turned, and her bottom lip protruded. Her posture was that of a 6 year old little girl. This was a manipulation tactic,  for she knew my weakness regarding little girls (a daughter and several neices in my family.) Truth, reality, logic, as well as, moral and ethical behaviors, truly defies the abuser’s dysfunctional essence/psyche.

Courtesy is the most widely used behavior between normal and healthy human beings, it is a core behavior. By virtue of saying, “Hi, how are you today”, extends a courtesy, a gesture of concern for your fellow human. We react with pleasure for their concern by saying, “I am doing well, thank you!” This makes us feel emotionally good when such gestures are made and replied with sincerity. To the personality disordered individual, kind gestures are only words, a social behovior they must perform to maintain their facade and double-standard lifestyle.  Courtesy will only serve the personality disordered person as a means of manipulating others for the sake of self-gratification. Nothing sincere about that.

So, the answer to the question is this,…MUTUAL RESPECT CANNOT EXIST BETWEEN A HEALTHY PERSONALITY AND A DISORDERED PERSONALITY. Now the question for the healthy personality is this, “Why am I still in the relationship?”  You are there because you’re “co-dependent.”  That is a subject all its own, and you can find articles on co-dependency as it relates to abusive relationships anywhere on the internet. Most normal personalities resist the idea that they are co-dependent. It was difficult for me to accept. I highly suggest if you feel you’re the victim in an abusive relationship, read up on co-dependency.  It’s worth the effort, believe me!

The content of this publication or any publication on this blog site, is not to be construed as a replacement for professional help in these respective areas.  Any responses to enquiries are strictly in the opinion of the blog originator(s) , therefore, it is the responsibility of such enquirers to apply due diligence concerning accuracy,validity, and mindful use of this blogs information, content and/or suggestions. 

NPD/BPD- Men, understanding your female tormentor..

28 Jul

dreamstime_8714308[1]The basic natural differences between women and men are this, “women desire to be loved and cherished, while men have to feel needed/useful and appreciated.  Women by nature are more emotional thinkers, while men are more logical thinkers.  In other words, on the scale of emotion, there are definite variances between the genders .  Environment and life long experiences has a significant impact upon the development of emotions despite gender. Men for example, dependent upon their childhood and adolescent experiences, will determine their emotional adeptness.  There are many men that have grown up in loving, and healthy environments and will display such good characteristics in adulthood. These men are typically the target for a personality disordered woman.  As we previously stated, the nature of a man is to feel useful, needed and appreciated.  Women know this all too well. It’s an undeniable fact,  the nature of women is to use their sexuality to coerce men for favors. With this being said, there are healthy and subtle forms of such female manipulation tactics.  If a woman should use her female prowess to manipulate her man then, it should be followed by sincere gestures of appreciation, as well, if the man knows his woman will appreciate what he does for her, then it becomes a mutually acceptable scenario without resentment.  The female NPD/BPD takes coercion to levels unimaginable by most normal people. In fact, if a man were to tell stories of his trials and tribulations with his NPD/BPD mate, most  people would find it hard to fathom or believe.This is usually the onset of a man’s self-doubt.

It is agreed that the gist of psychological problems in either gender stem from childhood to adolescent stages. These conditions/disorders are usually further exacerbated through interpersonal interaction in adulthood as well.  Emphasizing the traits and characteristics of  the typical female gender, coupled with a personality disorder, there is no better candidate to purvey emotional abuse.

Premeditated behavior is considered as conscious/aware or cognizant behavior.  Conditioned behaviors are based upon a repetitious engagement of behavior that is predictable or consistent, without pre-thought or required consciousness of the act.  As it relates to premeditated or conditioned behaviors, we must consider the capacity of the female brain.  We will first put to bed theories about intellectual superiority, ”men and women both have equal intellectual capacity.”  Where our brain functions differ relates to evolution. By design through evolution, gender specific features are built into the brain. Also by design, these differences are complimentary to one another, therefore,  men and women were designed  to collaborate their emotions, intimacy at all levels, and when the compliment of these human aspects are mutually suitable, they will unify. In relationships whereby there is a personality disordered partner, the path towards unification has many “potholes.”

Interesting imaging research about the brain and its ability to solve problems reveal that  men and women given identical tasks, each of their brains took two distinctly different neuropaths to accomplish the same task.  This is due in part to evolutionary innate/primal design differences of the female/male brain, i.e., the brain map/architecture is different in each gender. In summary, the approach and the methods by which a man or a woman creates an abusive scenario in a relationship is very different too, however, the results are the same. Abuse.

It is supposed, that women have the ability to engage/access both hemispheres of the brain simultaneously, whereas the man must “switch gears” to access one side or the other. Keep in mind, be it man or woman, these actions take place within microseconds. Our brain’s integration of the hemisphere’s is maintained through the Corpus Callosum. Hundreds of millions of axonic connections that allow the brain to act and react as a whole entity.  No studies to date have proven that the corpus callosum itself is truly different between male and female ( beliefs that one gender or the other had prevailing mass of the corpus callosum). Other studies reveal differences of how the corpus callosum maintains itself through mental and physiological processes.

For simplicity sake, let’s take for example an emotion/feeling, such as being empathetic. If our ability to be empathetic is present, that means a “continuum” or ”loop” is developed within the brain for empathy. When we consciously program empathy as an emotion during childhood/adolescent years, the mental, biological, physiological, and neurological systems kick in to maintain a healthy continuum for empathy.  The absence or presence of a healthy behavioral connection is apparent via the corpus callosum. Therefore, if someone has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, most likely there are going to be impaired,or have abnormal integration of neural networks and structures, visible through corpus callosum.  Now, let’s take a personality disordered individual who has the absence of this emotion, which in turn means, absence of the “loop”,i.e., incomplete connection and neural activity concerning this emotion/feeling. When the personality disordered individual initiates a conscious decision(during childhood/adolescent), the neuropaths will be based upon environmental survival and comfort(self-preservation), it is a security system of sorts that has been created. Now it becomes an issue of maintaining this mindset, or to create a new one that is more beneficial towards true human interaction.

Now that you understand some of the gender differences, you should now surmise that again, the abusive outcomes are relatively the same, we as men and women simply have different approaches towards abusive behavior. However, a predator is a predator, and abuse is abuse.  What I will delineate here is for the sake of men in abusive relationships. What I conveyed above is to help the abused understand, this is indeed a cerebral wiring problem established in youth. The most unfortunate part is that it typically gets worse as they become older and the prognosis for recovery is slim to none. There are no medications for NPD, BPD, Histrionic, and Anti-social disorders. It is not a physiological disorder, what it is though is a series of life events that by this individuals choice, have created abnormal thought patterns that self-protective in nature. They have by-passed the good emotional side of the brain through these experiences and thoughts. Simply stated, it’s a self-induced rerouting of normal brain processes, not a disease, nor a chemical imbalance. During their youth, they have consciously sacrificed the human emotional side in order to preserve self at any cost. It then becomes a skill set, a talent of deception, and manipulation techniques.   You ever hear the old saying, “age and cunning will always overcome youth and stupidity?”  Well, in the case of a BPD/NPD/Histrionic, their age and cunning (experience) shows in their personality disorder. Their skills become more honed through their years of dysfunctional relationship experiences and it becomes less of a challenge.  This lack of challenge creates a stronger need for supply, and will make them more socially and/or inter-personally inadequate. This is the main reason for their inability to recognize their condition and the desire to change. In the case of a woman with such a disorder, the emotional ties they have to self are much stronger than the male abuser.

Studies have shown that the female brain has the ability to use language more effectively and efficiently than men. Couple that with the disorder, the emotional aspect of the woman’s brain, and you have a lethal mouth of abuse. Men of the world that are involved with an abusive woman, please do not try to make sense of what they say, do not take it personally, and most of all, do not believe a damn thing they say. Manipulation and control is their ultimate goal. Although the ultimate goal of a male or female abuser is the same, ( control ) the female abusers are much more savvy manipulators than men. They are quick thinkers on their feet and will sling anything at the wall they believe will stick.

As well, women by design are visually sensual/sexual. It this sense, a BPD/NPD/Histrionic are aware of this powerful tool when engaging  a man. The female BPD/NPD/Histrionic is so aware that they also tend to be highly promiscuous. Most women with BPD/NPD/Histrionics are highly conscious of the value in seductiveness where it concerns controlling a man. The sad part is, this value is also a “yardstick” by which they measure themselves. For all you men, watch your significant other when in social environments. They will usually intentionally stand next to a man in mixed gender scenario.  Watch how much closer she will stand to a man Vs a woman. She will usually touch the man in some way( bicep, waistline, hand), especially if there is humor, laughing.  Usually, if she is uncomfortable with the women in a mixed gender conversation, she will move on to the next mixed gender group or she may join a conversation amongst male groups. This is due in part to the lack of attention she is receiving.  The larger the function, the less you will see of her, if you are inside, she’ll be outside. If you attempt to join in her social interactions with others, she could become annoyed, possibly accusing you later of being possessive or mistrusting.  if this should occur, beware, because when you get home, she’ll be prepared to lambast you. Bottom line, she is seeking attention anyway she can, and you simply disrupt that freedom she needs to do so.

 

It is normal/healthy to be independent from your s.o. while being social, to break away from one another and be social, however, it is in your best interest to observe how your significant other interacts with others, especially men.  Women in committed relationships, being in social environments naturally engage other men in conversations, and there is nothing wrong with this approach. However, to gain the attention of other men through their female sexuality is not healthy when in a committed relationship. First and foremost, in such social environments,  when a woman engages another man in this way, he is picking up on these signs. She is entering another man’s sexual space with her smiles, her closeness, etc.  She shows interest in what this man says, making certain eye contact, she knows where to touch him as previously mentioned.  He senses the sexual body language she conveys, and this man begins to feel vulnerable to her. The path of his blood flow has been redirected from his brain to his penis, metaphorically speaking, i.e., he is sensually aroused by her actions. She has created a new value in another man’s mind. This is how opportunity begins. Your s.o. will most likely never remember any of these men’s names, but she will remember their reactions, and will decide for herself where there is opportunity.

If you have an active social life together, one of the latest discoveries is that a female BPD/NPD could possibly entertain the idea of sex with multiple partners or at least ask your opinion of such. Let’s face it, societal view of sex has changed dramatically these days, however, if you the man truly feel committment to your mate is most important, and you have observed excessively flirtatious behavior, coupled with her thought about multiple partners, then I suggest you should reevaluate the possible fate of your relationship. Especially if you are dealing with all the other emotionally and verbally abusive characteristics of this woman, and have observed such flirtatious social interaction as described above, then you are at risk of infidelity. Do not write it off as, “that’s just the way she is” or “she’s always been that way”, or “it’s just harmless fun in my opinion”. Remember, she is manipulative, deceptive, elusive, and she will lie to you. She wants you to believe it’s all harmless, it is part of her control factor.

One other statistic that has recently come to light is that one of the primary  reasons a man stays in an abusive relationship with an NPD/BPD woman was SEX. This study revealed that the sexual aspects of these dysfunctional relationships were consistently described as “incredible.”  Think about it men, what are your priorities in a committed relationship? Guys, you should fear this aspect of your BPD/NPD, not only for her promiscuity,  you could also become a possible (more likely probable) victim of STD’s if she should fulfill her desires for  sexual encounter(s) outside the relationship. The decision is yours!  (See also: Header = Personality Disorder and Infidelity)

Any women that read this will most likely disagree with the following fact, based upon their own individual experience, however, it is common knowledge that women typically control the frequency of sex in most interpersonal relationships. The difference with a NPD/BPD is that not only will they control the frequency, they will control the intimacy as well. Mostly to avoid intimacy, and satiate their sexual desires only in a physical sense.  That is to achieve an orgasm(s) and nothing more. Remember this as well, everything these disordered individuals do is for self-serving purposes. Typically they are anxious to do the act, they are open to new sexual acts, and will control what acts shall be performed at any given time. They are usually the aggressor, creative in bed, and  they will get what they want, when they want it. You the man will feel good that she is aggressive, and likes unencumbered sex, however, do not believe she truly cares about your satisfaction. She only wants you to believe she is the best you’ve ever had. Her egocentric epicenter requires such adulation of her sexuality. If you ask to be in control, to make love to her, she may allow you to do so very briefly, despite your moment of sexual glory,  you will end up doing what she wanted anyway. If you are persistent about making love, rather than the typical sex acts, she will begin to find ways to avoid the sex until you give back in to her desires. They will tell you that you’re the best in bed, and another time, they’re saying you’re doing it all wrong or come up with excuses to avoid sex.  They’ll lead you on and then shut you down. If there is a problem regarding infrequency of sex, you will always be to blame. If they cheat on you, it will be because they were entitled/justified to do so because you simply did not fulfill their sexual needs. Then they will expect you to stick around after the affair because you will never find someone as good as she was to you, sexually or otherwise.

Their arrogance and ego coupled with the emotional and sexual prowess will have you eating from their hand. You will relinquish your dignity, your pride, and you will submit to their every desire.  The problem with man is, his gender innate reaction is to figure this all out, that there is a plausible and logical explanation for her actions. Hate to be the bearer of bad news guys, there is none!  All the bad experiences of their youth, the possible doting and enabling of parents/family where it concerns the disordered female gender, created what you see today. The unfortunate reality is, they never left the child/adolescent stage of their life.   Have you ever noticed how juvenile some of their thought processes and reactions are, as if you are dealing with 6 year old little girl? This six year old is a devil in an adult costume! This person you love has chosen her path, and there is nothing you can do to help her. She must recognize her condition for what it is and seek help on her own, which I can assure you, she will avoid at all costs. If you to encourage her to seek help, it will most likely create additional abuse in the relationship. So my question is to all you abused males out there, what do you lose by severing the relationship? Maybe the question is, what do you gain by severing the relationship? Your sanity, self-esteem and dignity! Sure you could lose a good part of your social circle, but whose to say that some of that social circle was good for you? There are so many opportunities in life to make new friends. And of course, those sexual ties. Would you not be more happy to have a relationship, with trust, fidelity, intimacy at all levels and settle for good sex, instead of incredible sex, no trust, no fidelity, and no true intimacy? Remember the abuse too gentlemen!

Your NPD/BPD chose to maintain her dysfunctional needs throughout  life, and she expects you to fulfill such needs.  If you do not comply, she will simply make you suffer until you eventually submit. When you do conform, she will continue to gain more control over you by the continued abuse. These conditioned and/or conscious acts will only get worse as you the man try harder to please her or make the relationship work. This precedence you set by submitting only serves her and you continue down the rocky cliff, beaten and battered, weakened to the point of being an emotional prisoner.The approval you seek from her shall always be an effort in futility. SHE IS INSATIABLE!!

The lies, deception, depreciation, their egocentric attitudes, haughty/arrogant demeanor, and the sarcasms will never end, despite what you do to improve the relationship. What she says you have become, is exactly what she has always been.  If she feels you are ready to distance yourself, she will remind you of the few good times you shared together and draw you back into the lion’s den. You will make excuses for her in your mind, when it is truly denial you speak to yourself. You are a mere object and  supply for her self-gratification. Morals and ethics are purely words without meaning, except to create a standard by which morals and ethics serve as an entitlement to defy. It is the double-standard by which they live.  Only to be bad and get away with it, satiates their weakened, possibly non-existent system of human values.

The emotional depth of true love is of no interest to a Female NPD/BPD. They are more concerned with mechanics of the relationship, i.e., if I push this button, he will react this way, if I jerk his chain this way, he will react that way, etc.  Men can never be unified or truly intimate with a NPD/BPD woman, for they view the man in object presence or for physical need.  The emotions they can exude are purely for themselves, i.e., they would briefly mourn the loss of the object/physical presence and acts of service that men commonly perform. It’s their own perception of what love meant to them, not reality. The man was simply functional and subservient. You were the emotional punching bag, the mouth for adulation and compliments, and you were the penis for her orgasm sake. All you do is serve her physical/mechanical functions. Here’s a wake-up call men,..you are, or were being exploited.

Much of creation in these women’s dysfunctional world come from demanding, emotionally inept  mothers/fathers that want their daughters to be liberated from a dominant male world environment. Now, this is not to say being taught to more independent is a bad thing, it’s more about what the parents did not teach, which are ethics, morality, and most of all, gender equality. The past four decades have created more women that are independent, educated, excelling in the corporate world, in politics, law, etc. And most women accept  their work colleagues as equals, however, where it concerns their significant other, it is far from equal. Historically, women primarily took care of the home front, and husbands would show their appreciation by taking them to special dinners, buy the flowers, bring special gifts, etc. The quandary today is this, women still have more rights in the areas of law/court system, i.e. child custody,significantly less incarceration for misdemeanors, felonies, and contempts (especially physical abuse.) Women are still considered minorities and continue to receive entitlements as such. They are many more disparities too numerous to mention, and despite their quote unquote “equal status” today, men are still expected to place  women on that pedestal like they did in past years as working mothers and homemakers. Women view this as a preconceived entitlement, that they deserve to be on that pedestal by virtue of their gender. Women say it “makes me feel good, it’s romance, I feel special when a man treats me to fine dinners, special trips, buys me flowers.” Believe it or not, in today’s world of equality, men want to feel special too!   Men don’t want women to use their vagina as a coercion tool. If all things were equal, men should be able to coerce women because they have a penis, right?!  Let me know when that has ever happened!!!  Quite frankly, if a woman uses sex as a tool to keep the man giving, then, could it not be construed as a facsimile of prostitution? Don’t misinterpret what I’m trying to convey, I enjoy making a women feel good at all levels, however, the minute a woman uses sex as means to punish me for not being as giving as she perceives I should be, then that is not a true relationship.

Personality disordered women are worst violators of equality. They don’t care that her man’s penis is involved in this too, because she figures she can get a penis most anywhere. Therefore, you are not equal by any stretch of her imagination. Hence, entitlement. We are seeing more of such narcissistic, arrogant and haughty attitudes amongst professional women that want their cake and eat it too.  In their minds, a man must “get with the program” and understand how the system must work in order for the man to receive sex from them. It has become a less than an equal proposition for men these days.  Am I stereo-typing?..absolutely not. The truth is though, there is a strong percentage of  emotionally healthy professional women that work the system and utilize the double-standard they so feel entitled to.  Many a man have been literally led to the “poor house” by this preconceived notion of female entitlement.   I could go on about this topic however, what we want to understand here is this, an educated professional woman that has a, NPD/BPD/Histrionic condition will be a man’s ultimate hell where it concerns working both sides of the fence to get what they want. Tell her you want to feel special, maybe have her pay for dinner some night, and then watch the fireworks begin!! You will be viewed as unromantic, inconsiderate, and will be depreciated like you’ve never been before. It will be broadcasted to friends and acquaintances, (especially other women).  These highly educated, savvy women will take  sexuality, and  equality to the highest self-serving level. It’s a form of male exploitation, and the sad part is, many women with relatively healthy personalities choose to  “work the system” as well. This presents a very grim outlook for men for some years to come. Don’t give up guys, there are  plenty of very appreciative women still out there.  It will just take longer to sift through the dating pool, and find a woman that has good  morals, ethics, and considers her significant other as a true equal.

Gentlemen, I know how hard it is to leave someone you love. Here is your next wake-up call,..however long you’ve been in the abusive relationship is how long you’ve been in a “coma.”  I use this analogy because when you wake up you will realize, the love you felt while in that “coma” (duration of relationship), was of your own creation. What she created was the facade for your perceived love to exist. Therefore, it was real to you, not to her. As well, when you endure such abuse, the only thing in a man’s mind that can make him feel good, something to hang onto in order to justify him staying in the relationship is love. In actuality, it was not truly love, it is created love. In other words, a fantasy love.  Remember, as I mentioned earlier, ”do not believe a damn thing they say.”  When that ”L” word comes out of their mouth, it’s all part of the facade.  I can assure you, as I have been there myself, there is nothing more hurtful to a man than to be taken for a fool, for a woman to strip us of our male pride, dignity, and worst of all, to perjure the heart of a genuine loving man.

If there is any man out there that is still in an abusive relationship, feel free to comment or ask questions and likewise, if there are men that have broken the ties of an abusive relationship that wish to seek some more answers or contribute to those still in these abusive relationships, this blog especially welcomes your support and comments.

The content of this publication or any publication on this blog site, is not to be construed as a replacement for professional help in these respective areas.  Any responses to enquiries are strictly in the opinion of the blog originator(s) , therefore, it is the responsibility of such enquirers to apply due diligence concerning accuracy,validity, and mindful use of this blogs information, content and/or suggestions.

Abusive Behavior-Degradation of Body and Mind

5 Jul

 We as humans understand the premise that good communication is an important aspect of a healthy, interpersonal relationship.  We take for granted though, the choices we utilize when good, bad or indifferent situations play into our lives. Maybe our learned responses are limited?  Maybe for personal, or selfish reasons, we simply ignore other forms of communication that could produce better results. The unfortunate reality is,  people in general communicate poorly, and do not give due consideration to outcomes and consequences. Most people simply react, and deal with it the best way they know how (usually fight or flight!)  Allow me to communicate and plant a seed for the theme of this post:  Individual awareness of how one communicates, and fully understand the consequences of their communication, (physically, mentally, emotionally) may just save their own life!   

 Below is a  basic layman explanation of  human communication and physiology that will help you to understand the relationship between the two as related to effects upon the body and brain. As well, the extreme importance of our emotional and physical stability through homeostasis (metabolic equilibrium).  Internally, things happen to us that we cannot explain, we make statements like, “I don’t know what came over me?” or “it is totally unlike me to do something like that” or “I have never fought and argued in any other relationship like I do in this one!” We all know it’s wrong, yet, we continue to react and remain in the abusive relationship!?  We even become less tolerant of situations outside our relationship, maybe even with our own family (children especially.)   Below will give you an idea of the effects your body and brain endure when you’re in an abusive environment.

THE “STICKS AND STONES” of COMMUNICATION

Each and every personal interaction we have, based upon circumstances of emotions/feelings, speech, touch and intuition, engages literally every area of the human brain. One word, or one statement can instantly affect brain activity in either negative or positive ways. As well,  even more impressionistic to our brain is, visual interpretation of an individual(s)  physical/bodily reactions.  This may surprise many of you that 55% of  human communication is accomplished through body language, 35% is done through emotional tone and relative auditory volume, the other 15% or so relates to the actual words and context. We can then presume that body language/tonality/and volume, are primary and words/context are secondary aspects of successful or unsuccessful communication. I remember with my abuser, her “presentation” of a thought was always an issue for me. She presented a perception or opinion with  sarcastic or arrogant tonality(facial expressions), most times it was impulsive.  I would ask why she felt compelled to be so forthright when it wasn’t necessary?! She would then reply, “I do not need a daddy correcting my ways of verbal presentation.”  There were many variations of these impulsive acts, each time it was brought to her attention, and each time she defended the same way. She was totally aware of her impulsive acts and the mode thereafter was to reverse blame and project guilt immediately upon me as being quote-unquote “her daddy” (an authoritarian figure), rather than her lover.  It’s interesting the entitlement the abuser believes they have Vs the rights of the abused.  Clearly truth and reality, gets “under the skin” of the abuser.

 Think about the disagreements between you and your abuser.  Visualize those disagreements, see the images of body movement, facial expressions, arms flailing about, arrogant smirks and sarcasms, loudness and tone,  and words casted upon one another. These are conscious, and unconscious impressionistic displays of theirsuccessful ways of  “Communicating to Win” , not communicating towards mutual resolve.  They are literally experienced actors, and actresses in the discipline of “emotional manipulation.”  Your abuser understands that words and context can be side-tracked with ease through the use of theatrics(body language, tonality, volume.)  The volume ramps up and down(angry to serene), love to deprecation, and so continues the roller coaster of emotions. Key words or statements, cue the disordered individual’s skill sets that will serve to their advantage. Here’s a short example ;  Abused: “Our relationship has truly affected me and my relationship with my family.” Abuser: “Oh!, So now you are blaming me for all your problems with your family!!” Abused: “No, what I am saying is OUR relationship, affects MY relationship with the family.  I take the blame for enduring this relationship and allowing myself to become affected by all this madness!” Abuser: Endure what! You never had it so good! And what about how it has affected me! Do you ever think about me and how I feel? Abused: I have attempted to discuss our feelings and emotions, how we communicate, and  every time I do, you always somehow seem to avoid the truth of the matter and I end up taking the blame!!  Abuser:   When did this ever become about you??  I asked you first, “do you care about how it has affected me, how I feel?!?!” .. for that matter,  damn your family!, they don’t give a  f*#k about us?  I’m beginning to believe you take their side over mine! Do you even care about us?  And on and on and on.. The abuser always sorts context to a simplistic form of  “Me Vs You.”  The abuser quickly selected “what the abused endured,” and then manipulated and projected instead, that they were truly the victim of enduring the poor relationship. They simply take the focus off themselves. So in essence, the common sequence of events are,  1) When abuser’s are confronted, self-preservation “autopilot”  engages.   2) Manipulation process begins. Goal is invoke guilt and project blame  3)  Vindication accomplished through submission of their perceived tormentor. If issue left open-ended or unresolved, abuser will still expect a submission. They will wait days, even weeks to secure the submission. If a submission is not accomplished, then it will be used against the abused in future debates.  Bottom-line, you lose!

Attempts to empathize with a PD about relationship issues(context portraying realities/truth) is like sticking a “hot poker” in their eye.  All they understand is, they are being made out to look bad, and that is simply unacceptable. Mutual resolve is not an option, for the abused is perceived as an incriminating force, therefore, they must suffer. It is quite simple, and primal what a personality disordered person does to break down their victims. They eliminate the complexities of context, whereas, the abused dwells and mulls upon the complexities (emotions, logic, rationality, ethics, etc.)   

How else can one feel inside except emotionally distraught, confused,  frustrated, and angry! The pressure builds and our mental compass is spinning, unable to steer a proper course in order to achieve resolve.  Why do we endure this time and time again, why can’t we simply see through it all?  Why can’t we get along, how can we learn to communicate better?!

Words cue the expression of tone and/or use of body language. In the case of verbal and emotionally abusive relationships, these excited, emotional, and dramatic forms of communication between the abused and their abuser, are the prelude to neurological and physiological dysfunction.  These internal changes are most times not realized, due to a physiological (brain & body) collaboration inherently transitioning us through compensatory functions, in order to maintain an equilibrium. In other words, what we put ourselves through (societal, job related, family, inter-personally, etc. ) the mind and the body will chemically adjust accordingly to survive. These adjustments are most times,  not physically or mentally beneficial.  Chronic and continued exposure to poor environments will eventually reveal apparent symptoms as a result of  these physiological imbalances.    

  To have a true dialogue with a person would imply that you are  mutually expressing, words, tone, body language, and facial expression in a  positive and diplomatic manner. Attainment of  true dialogue with a personality disordered person is largely futile. Much of their words and actions create spontaneous and perpetual overtures of  emotional assault.  They create verbal setups that enable them to attain a specific response or need that is self fulfilling.  They are skilled at deception, manipulation, deprecation, invoking verbal/emotional anguish, and lies, all to serve for self-preservation and control over others. This “crazy making” as some refer to, is creating within the abused, the same, or similar unhealthy chemical/hormonal, and neurological imbalances/impairments, that their abuser experiences! Whaaaat?!  That’s right, all the emotional turmoil, and internal struggle you the abused are presently enduring, is the result of chemical changes in your brain and body. You are just a “newby”emotional personality, as compared to your abuser.  What we are implying is this, the basic principles of physiology are applicable to all humans beings. It can happen to any of us!

There is no question in the minds of the abused, that their abuser’s “ain’t all right.”  They’ve owned their condition since childhood until present, without change, and will likely get progressively worse as they age. Every person’s physical and mental reaction is a result of  programmed neural and chemical integrations. Stress, high emotional responses, create over and/or under stimulation of chemical neurotransmitters in the brain.  As an example, repeated daily stress inhibits the release of dopamine, a key neurotransmitter for cognitive function. The limbic area of the brain, represents our emotions, and continued stress will affect the chemical balance and proper function of this highly important area.  Our “fight or flight” self-protection mechanism is initiated when our abuser engages us in highly negative interaction. Adrenaline and Cortisol ( hormones) persistently rise and fall when stress/emotionally aggressive situations occur.  Given enough exposure to chronic stress related activation of  adrenal function, cortisol will eventually diminish, impairing overall adrenal function by virtue of this cortisol shortage.  This is important for women to know because,  in the absence of cortisol, progesterone is then robbed to produce the needed cortisol.  This chronic condition will most certainly affect metabolic balance and thyroid function(hypo/hyper) which regulates what it metabolizes, thereby affecting weight regulation. Bone loss, fatigue, hot flashes, decreased libido, digestive problems, liver function impairment, are symptomatic of prolonged cortisol loss, integral to your stress, i.e., your dysfunctional interpersonal relationship! These symptoms will likely flip-flop around over time, as the body robs from one area to compensate for the need of another area.  As our body and brain are highly adaptable, the inevitable price as a result,  is usually not beneficial to overall health. Draw-backs are,  neurologically, physical and/or organ failure/impairment, and weakened immune system. 

Personality disordered people have likely experienced variations of these symptoms throughout their life, dependent upon age, gender, genetic pre-disposition and general health. They typically will not age gracefully, nor will they live quality lives( mentally/physically) due to years of self-induced stress/trauma. The cumulative effects vary between men and women due to the differences in overall body and brain chemistry.

 Now you can see why I want you to understand that achieving this metabolic equalibrium (homeostasis) is essential to physical and mental health. In summary, every action we take, be it mental or physical, is a synchronization of synaptic and chemical actions. So when the abuse starts, usually with poor interpersonal communication, and interaction, the evolution into chronic stress creates abnormal pathologies and/or functions in the human body and brain.  Essentially, chemical imbalances result in poor integration of neural networks causing dissociative/functional symptoms, such as cognitive impairment, brain structure abnormalities, biological, physiological and neurological damage or impairment. Although we have protection mechanisms that adjust for such traumatic episodes, we are only designed to endure such physiological states for limited periods.   

A SAMPLE OF HOW IT ALL STARTS   

It is safe to presume, that personality disordered people have endured many years of poor integration of their neural networks.  This literal hard wired dysfunctional integration is relative to the lack of success,  in therapy and drug treatment. The personality disordered brain has adapted, through conscious choice (as a child/adolescent) based upon their environment. Through trial and error,  practice and conditioning,  the PD’s actions become less premeditated/intentional and become more unconscious, or instinctive. Their minds have evolved into a “security system” of sorts, protecting boundaries, and when such boundaries have been perceived as “compromised,” then action must be taken against the perpetrator. Boundaries are everything (some more than others) to PD’s, because no one will enter their psyche at a level that allows any form of emotional vulnerability.  Psychologist claim that traumatic life experiences (some form of abuse or neglect) is the basis of most personality disorders. Studies have also found that parents who are highly critical of others (including the child) create a poor relative development of a child’s skills to be non-judgemental. Such displays of criticism by parents inhibit nurturing of mindful thought that all others are created equal will allow the child to perceive themselves as superior.  Many parents lack the ability to understand how much a child pays attention to our actions, i.e., what we say,what we do and if we “walk our talk.”   Here is another scenario;  If a child witnesses one parent manipulating the other parent successfully, a child might believe this to be a useful skill on their peers/schoolmates. If they achieve a series of successful manipulations with peers, then it could be construed as purposeful, and become integrated as a part of their social skills in adulthood. The child will also discover that this perceived skill will back-fire on occasion. What to do now?, says the child. After a few episodes of failure, the child must then challenge the validity of their perception, or the actual skill itself. This skill of manipulation was usually overcome by an authoritarian figure (parent, teacher, family, etc.), however, it was still effective with their peers. The choices for the child are; a) give into rational and logical belief that this skill causes trouble with authority figures and conformity is the resolution. b) avoid authority figures at all costs, as they threaten the personal reward the child gains through their manipulative skills. 

To a child, all things they incorporate into their life, is about Reward Vs Punishment.  What most have not realized about their PD/Abuser is, they are still much like the child, too concerned about the same Reward Vs Punishment. Parents underestimate the prowess of their own children, and in most cases, parents are in denial where it concerns such undesirable traits of their children. Children by design, absorb, and learn from the adult environment (parents, neighbors, friends,school,Internet, media, etc.)  As much as a child is part of their parents (genetically), they are still individuals, exposed to different societal influences and environments than their parents. In summary, children/adolescents establish choices, derive perspectives and  perceptions,  based upon exposure, influences and experiences that vary from good to egregious in nature.   

I wish to emphasize the word, “Perception.”  Most of us that have “done battle” or are still “doing battle” with their abuser,  still believe that logic and rationale are worthy of such debate between our abuser and us. Perception, be it yours, or your abuser’s , has validity for approximately 10 seconds in any given debate. Once emotion engages, the abuser pervades the issue with innuendos and rhetorical verbosity, all in an effort to “win the battle.”  Understand this with your ability of higher reasoning, that logic, truth, ethics, morals, opinions, quote/unquote “perceptions”, absolutely do not play into your abusers mindset!! It is a fruitless and futile endeavor in these debates with a personality disordered abuser, for the primary objective of your abuser is to win the battle by virtue of your submission. This submission makes it less complex for your abuser to remember the facts or context. Believe it or not, your abuser is all about simplicity. I call it the “LESS IS MORE” theory.  Do you recall familiar scenarios like these; how many times have you brought up a previous debate, and your abuser simply “don’t recall it happening that way?!” or “you are a liar and I would have never said such a thing!!” or “you’re putting words in my mouth,.. I’d never say that to anyone!” etc., etc. They don’t remember because it was not mindfully retained to memory as pertinent data! All the abused did was open up another bucket of worms with logic and rationality!  As much as you may care for your abuser, love your abuser, you must submit to this reality and truth that, “you are nothing more than an object.” You fulfill a need of presence that fits the facade they create for themselves. They only wish to own you for as long as it serves their selfish needs.  Personality Disordered individuals are dysfunctional in the sense that allegiance to anyone else (intimacy at any level) would compromise and complicate their self-preservation. Emotions and intimacy are much too complicated and require efforts that the PD will not invest.  This self-destructive, self-deception is why you will never be able to reach their heart or soul towards the end of intimacy. If you attempt, you will be manipulated and consumed by their ego-centric energy.  

  Communication and Nurturing skills of parents and other authority figures, reflect highly upon what personality/ overall demeanor the child will maintain in adulthood. In other words, how a child is reared (home and school), programs the brain’s neuropathways, thereby determining human functionality both socially and inter-personally. Authority sets the stage, however, there is small mindful view by a child that authority is also an adversary of sorts. Influences outside the home is where the child chooses/decides whether these perceived adversarial authorities evolve into respect worthy figures or into opponents.

Environment inside/outside the home (family, teachers, and parent’s actions and interactions) are also crucial factors of how a child will function in their adult life. As an example, if there is apparent manipulation, criticism,  argumentativeness in a child’s environment, then you can count on a higher percentage of children that will emulate such behavior.  All behavior is formed through repetition of environmental circumstances, be it desirable or undesirable (barring brain disease, injury, pre-disposed conditions, etc.)

Whether a child’s environment is healthy or unhealthy, they will adapt according to authoritarian truths and realities or self created truths and realities. To incorporate “discipline of the mind” (teachings of ethics and moral values) as it relates to child development, can only be accomplished through disciplined adults or authoritarians. The teachings of morals and ethics are reinforced by logic and rationale, and defined through truth and reality.  Personality Disordered people “perceive” themselves as highly logical and rational.  Where their logic and rational is  differentiated is  the inability of the PD to accept actual truth and reality. It’s like the old saying goes, “You can argue most anything, if you throw logic and rationale out the window!!” Without logic and rationale, truth and reality cannot be defined. Logic and Rationale are only words to the PD. It serves only their endeavor to win.  If a PD can manipulate truth and reality and project guilt and blame upon their victim, then they must indisputably be,  logical and rational. There are two sets of morals and ethics where is concerns personality disordered people. One set of standards which conform to the normal social order that the PD  maintains through manipulation( the facade) and of course, their own standard, that maintains the ego-centric self. Their own standard entitles them to break the rules of  true morals and ethics, i.e., the PD can practice infidelity, however, if the mate does, it is unacceptable.  Just my humble opinion, to oppose the teachings of morals and ethics through self-entitlement (the double standard), would lead me to believe that a transition or developmental stage into adulthood was neurologically by-passed. I base this hypothesis upon the fact that we are what we choose to think. If the proper transition of the belief systems between child and adolescent stages do not occur, then can we assume there was a conscious effort to remain, in what the child construed as useful, viable, workable , and integrated such thought(s) consciously, thereby creating unconscious result through natural neuro and biological processes. The child remained and the adult protects the constitution of their inner-child. It’s like being Peter Pan existing in the adult world.  With that said, there is an awareness, especially of “perceived” authority. Perceived authority could be anyone that would question their motives, character, opinions, or actions.

If you really bring it down to “brass tacks”, how the personality disordered person operates is simple and predictable! (hint, hint abused!!) Truth and Reality will always be nipping at the heals of  the PD. Remember what we said before, PD’s don’t care about perceptions for more than 10 seconds? Opinions and perceptions of others is not mindfully interpreted/assimilated normally through the mind of a PD.  It is an absence or inability to embrace another’s thoughts or opinions. Instead of normal conversation/interaction, it seems there is a shut-down of the typical reasoning and emotional pathway and the PD subconsciously redirects to the primal area of the brain (fight or flight.) Remember, view the abstract function of a  PD’s brain as a “security system”, preventing penetration of boundaries, to protect, fend off, and conquer the perpetrator. This is the programmed logic of many PD’s.  If we believe through thought, that something works for us, the brain will accommodate. It is done through conscious life long conditioning and is revealed through both conscious/unconscious actions and patterns of behavior.  The longer a human exists within such thoughts or belief patterns, the more difficult it is to reverse those patterns. If no permanent damage to ones neural pathways are present, then it is possible to reverse. However, efforts to undo the mindset of a personality disordered individual (BPD, NPD, Histrionic types) has proven in the past to be futile. A PD would somehow have to disengage the egocentric area and engage their emotional area of the brain via extremely high levels of conscious and positive thought. The notion alone for a PD to engage in such therapy is considered highly stressful for them, and not worth the effort. They feel they have survived well under their belief system and see no reason to fix what they perceive as not broken. Truth of the matter is, they simply aren’t wired correctly.

 There is always the debate about a PD’s consciousness/awareness of their actions, whether they premeditate, etc. Pre-PD years (child/adolescent) trial and error alone made the child aware of their manipulative actions as a behavior unlike others for it suited their perceived environment, it was a method of protection, self-preservation. As this person moves forward into adulthood, through their life’s experiences(unsuccessful personal , interpersonal, and incomplete social adeptness) that they are “aware”,  that most  people have not dealt well with their antics, and their demeanor/personality. Therefore, I do not advocate the concept that the PD believes all others are like them, motivated towards the same emotions, desires and fears. Their world is too confined by their boundaries unlike most others, and PD’s understand they can penetrate most other’s emotional boundaries with ease. Lies, deception, ellusiveness, I believe are areas of pre-meditation. As an example, the abuser intentionally starts an argument with his spouse, so he can leave the house in supposed anger, because a friend/co-worker said earlier in the day, “we’re having a “get together” at Joe’s Bar and it’s “ladies night! Make sure you come by!”  The phone is an especially functional tool for the abuser on “out of town” trips, because their mate cannot see, and what you can’t see, well, let’s just say the PD is opportunist and the point is, they are consciously doing it.  

 Superiority by conquering another’s emotion is more desirable to a PD, than to share such emotion through intimacy. They ignore the context of their victims words, “let me in, I wish to know you in much deeper, emotional and intimate ways.”  PD’s have encountered this countless times in other relationships, and they know full well, those desires of other’s differ vastly from theirs. Each and every time the context of truth and reality challenges a PD, their most devastating fear arises too, “admission to their dysfunctional beliefs and actions.”   Their umbrageous nature easily taunted by the undeniable presence of truth and reality hovers above the PD  like an annoying fly. To swat and kill it, prevents this inner turmoil from revealing itself. It just seems easier for the PD to approach their life this way, as it has always worked before, so why change now?! This is why the prognosis for change of a personality disordered person is poor, it’s like taking a lifetime of their own creation and asking them to throw it away.  Their life style is much too valuable for them to simply discard or give up.  Here is a statement that will help you through some of those debates with your abuser: Reality and truth ever present, this your abuser cannot deny, responding always as threat, your abuser shall defy.  Incorporate this little ditty into your thought patterns when your PD engages you, then you will become more aware and anticipate their reactions.  

HOW IT HAPPENED TO YOU!

Do you ever wonder why it is so hard to let go of your abuser? Much like your abuser, you have remained long enough in your stressful interpersonal relationship to allow this negative influence to alter your neuropathways, thereby initiating undesirable neurological and chemical changes. Read back through every aforementioned thing discussed and it has been happening to you. It’s nothing you can see, and many times you cannot feel it, except when engaged in the actual “crazy-making” mode. In short, your neural network is integrating and accomodating stress. Your ability to reason and rationalize effectively is compromised. Refer to the many lists available, of reasons that people stay with their abusers(co-dependency.) Would you agree that many of those reasons are due in part to dysfunctional rationale and logic?!  The longer a person is exposed to such a dysfunctional life, the more chemical imbalances occur.  Continued chronic exposure will land most into depression, and thereafter PTSD.   

 The solution is not always simple unless we can understand why it is happening to us, first and foremost. You can have all the understanding in the world about your abuser’s condition and it will do very little for you. If you understand why you are in the abusive relationship, as related to your abuser’s condition and the environment they have created to keep you there, then you can rationally sort out truths and realities.  I can assure you of this, truth and reality are the enemy of a PD.  

 Start with small steps that have the largest impact on recovery.  Eating habits would be my first suggestion.  As crazy as that may sound to you, you will find it far more difficult to properly deal with the stress of an abusive relationship, if your body is not nourished correctly. To provide proper physical nourishment,will maintain the health of cells that maintain proper brain and physiological functions. People really need to learn more about the maintenance of their body/mind through proper nutrition. Plenty of free information is available on the internet about foods that provide balanced nutrition.  To subsist on fast food, restaurant buffets, and such , can drastically slow down, if not reverse, the mental pursuit of positive personal goals. Proper nutrition also provides the advantage of natural weight loss without exercise. This is your body at work finding its physical equilibrium.  So, if you look at this as a pure necessity to nourish your body as part of your recovery(which it is!), then the “Dieting” mindset has been eliminated.   We are all affected through mindset and perceptions, so if the challenge is “nourishment”, then nothing else should enter your mind.  A healthy body can more efficiently, and thereby more effectively, deal with stress and emotional situations. 

Many people who exercise religiously, still eat improperly, and use their exercise as a means to burn off calories of their “bad food”, to maintain a desired weight.  Exercise is a good thing, however, if you feed yourself poorly like this, you are doing an injustice to your body’s internal balance. Sure it’s better than being obese, however, proper nutrition is truly, more important, than the exercise itself. Fact: 80% of body fat retained, is regulated through proper diet, and only 20 percent through exercise.  It’s like making your car look beautiful on the outside and ignoring the maintenance required to keep it running properly. Looks good, runs like crap!

Walking and/or riding a bicycle is a great way to start out. It’s also a good time while doing such exercises, to reflect upon your reasons for manifesting  these positive initiatives in your life. In other words, it’s a great time to become reacquainted with self and encourage self.   If you eat properly,even with minimal exercise, your chemistry will quickly respond and the physical/mental recovery  begins. For a couple of weeks, while you’re implementing new diet and exercise habits,  raise your awareness of your thoughts and feelings (refer to phases I-VI on this blog site.)  It’s difficult to make positive thought/emotional changes when the brain and body chemistry are still imbalanced.  So allowing yourself a period of a couple of weeks of true change in diet and exercise (diet first and foremost) will enable you to deal with those changes in your patterns of thought.  Avoid at all cost, prescription drugs to control your emotional anguish, especially if they come from friends!  Most of these drugs have 20 or more side effects and couple that with an already imbalanced, physically run down body and brain, well,  it will only makes things worse.  Proper nourishment has no side effects, positive thoughts and emotions have no side effects (well they all have good side effects!)  

SO, WHAT YA GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

With all the aforementioned information, what will be your clear choice? Do you want to become like your abuser inside and out?(most likely you have already acquired some of their traits!)  Are you willing to resolve your trauma? I can assure you, your abuser will avoid any sort of resolution for themselves. They are proud of their self created alter ego. They will continue to nurture and protect what is perceived as their ultimate survival tool,.. themselves, because no one else matters.  Thousands of years have proven that the power of mind through thought creates whatever we desire.  With that in mind, we know that manifesting positive thought and actions will nurture our minds and our bodies. That’s all we really need to know. Power of the mind my friends, don’t allow yourself to become a walking biochemically imbalanced disaster of humanity like your present or former PD! Remember, “you are, what you think!” You manifest your positive chemical balance by consistently practicing good habits of communication, eating, exercise, and thought patterns.  

Learning to communicate and interact in better ways will come with time and practice. We all know the abuser has trouble with this, however, what got the abused in trouble was poor communication skills as well!  Instead of walking away from this awful person much earlier on, you chose to stay and fight!? With time and practice, daily interactions with other people, proper communication skills can be restored, especially knowing what you know now!!  These are far more appealing options than remaining in an “emotional hell” or gathering emotional sustenance in the form of “pity parties” all the time!  Do justice for yourself, take the simple route and relieve yourself of this horrible interpersonal burden you endure.  When the percentages look like this: On average,  90% of all personality disorders that have been to some form of treatment have never fully recovered. Respectively, if the abused decides to remain with the personality disordered mate, there is a 90% probability that the relationship will endure the same problems. Not  very promising,.. makes the choice a bit easier, don’t you think?

Verbal and Emotional Abuse..

16 Jun

As my blog is primarily designed for married couples and long term interpersonal relationships, the context of emotional/verbal abuse remain the same for all types of relationships.  Here are some specific signs, red flags to look for;

PD= Personality Disordered person, such as, Narcissists, Histrionics, Sociopaths, and Bi-polar.

COMMON TRAITS AND CHARCTERISTICS EXPLAINED:

THE ABUSER

  1. Irrational, and often impulsive responses to actions or statements that exhibit no malicious intent-(abuser misinterprets the intent of victims  actions, statements or thoughts). PD’s tend to have preconceived ideas of anothers verbal intent, dissecting their victims actions and/or statements in mental  preparation for defensive action. PD’s apply use of rhetoric, sarcasms, flawed logic, innuendos, and depreciating statements in order to manipulate their victims belief of truth or fact, even though a person’s statement shows no malicious intent. PD’s also tend to mentally store, build-in  specific cue /trigger words that initiate their protection mode. The context and/or intent of what others say is never fully, or mindfully interpreted by a PD. The reflection of truth and reality, where it concerns a PD’s indiscretions, are viewed as an encroachment upon their core being..  As for the abused, to rationalize the  PD’s logic and actions is futile,.. it normally has no basis because it is self-serving. A PD’s persistent and flawed  responses are a commitment to their perception/opinion, and to the debate itself. It doesn’t have to make sense, and this is where the victim becomes frustrated and angry when they otherwise wouldn’t care. A PD’s overwhelming need to prevail will end up one of two ways in their mind, (1) the victim/abused will submit immediately, or (2)  the debate will be left open-ended (without complete resolve),confidently anticipating  an apology.  Sadly enough, the victim will usually succumb.
  2. Abuser shifts blame upon Victim (projection)- You are the problem, they are not! You are to blame, they are not! You are guilty, they are not!Reason being, you are considered their tormentor because you have corrupted the discussion with truth and reality. Here is an example of what my former abuser used. Preface:  (screaming at the top of her lungs)   “you need to seek professional help.. you need “anger management therapy!” My reply: So what do you need when you are angry and loud?  Her response: (now suddenly calm, yet arrogant!) “I’m not angry nor loud,.. I’m simply passionate about what I believe.”  Result: I went to anger management therapy, and after 3 weeks, my clinician cleared me as a healthy personality. They did however state that my reactions to my PD were normal at that point in time, and advised that continued interaction with this person could inevitably lead to emotional/psychological damage (typically PTSD.)
  3. Making false accusations or inferences- Such responses are without basis or evidence. Jealousy is one of the most common of accusations. It could start off as snide, sarcastic comments, or go into full blown rage. This happens when a loss of control in their daily lives is experienced, be it with their significant other, co-worker, client, etc.  Accounting for their victims time is most common. Once the PD begins to manifest inferences of cheating, the proof of burden then lies in the hands of the victim to explain themselves. Hidden is this agenda is the PD’s  entitlement as well, i.e. “The PD feels entitled to ask, however, never ask your PD to account for their time.” Most times they will tell you, it is their right to know what their victims do, however, you must trust them, and never question what they do. You have no rights to question them, for it goes back to corrupting what they have created within themselves.
  4. Unable to communicate with diplomacy- A healthy relationship can usually compromise where it concerns opinions or circumstances and move on amicably. Once a PD has been engaged, even in the smallest way, the challenge is on!  Remember, once the PD assumes the challenge, you will be the target of resolve for them. It will not be resolved through logic nor diplomacy.  Herein lies the important message for the abused:  The second that you the abused realize your PD is cocked and ready, disengage, take evasive action!! PD’s are like a ” fighter pilots”. Their perceived tormentor becomes the acquired target,.. focus then is to destroy target and come home safely(return to safehaven of ego). When you engage the abuser, you are then perceived as nothing more than an “object” despite the relativity of the interpersonal relationship. Your emotions will be exploited and used against you. To successfully employ manipulation of ones emotions proves the perceived theory of weakness PD’s believe others besides them have. Their victim’s are easily influenced and thereby are construed as weak and inferior. When you are involved with a PD there is no common ground that is attainable. It is their world you the abused have become a part of,.. there is no “we” there is only “me.” My abuser incessantly used the phrase, “So, when did this ever become about you?!?” Diplomacy shall never exist in the mind of a PD.
  5. Lacks the ability to be apologetic- Leaving issues unresolved is a preconceived act by your PD.  The intent of this act is designed as an option when immediate admission/submission has not been attained, in other words, when situation is unresolved, they anticipate a forthcoming apology from the victim. They understand that healthy personalities cannot endure the anguish of lingering issues/emotions and will usually be the first to come forth saying, “I’m sorry.”  The best you will ever get from a PD is their admission of anger, but never about the context or basis of the argument. Leaving the context/basis of truth open-ended, coupled with an apology or form of “making up” from the abused, secures the PD’s perceived righteousness and subsequently becomes useful as “ammo” in future debates or situations of similar nature.
  6. Does not give credence to, or see value in your opinions or perceptions- Most commonly, a PD will relinquish to their victim where is concerns  knowledge in their profession. It is rare they will engage in areas they have no absolute knowledge.  A PD will also exploit such strengths. Examples: If you the victim, are male capable of Carpentry skills, she will have you remodel her house.  If you the victim, are a female attorney, he will regard your legal advice if needed. What happens during remodeling or after legal advice is given will usually end up in various debates of rhetorical and emotional spew about appreciation and/or respect.  The basis of skills, in my opinion, is one of many reasons why there are more men that suffer personality disorders than women. Men believe they are more capable and carry more professional and side skills than women. Likewise, the rise of women with personality disorders are also related to their skill sets, competency, individualism, and self-sufficiency that clashes with the idealogical man. The victim will never meet the standards of the abuser, in other words, no matter what you do, how hard you try, or how financially secure the victim may be, you are not an equal in the eyes of your abuser.  Inevitably, you will outlive your usefulness to them once they have maximized their exploitation of their victim, and thereby discard you. Remember, you the victim are only an object to them, they do not see you as a person with separate feelings and emotions. They simply do not care.
  7. They are sarcastic, demeaning, deprecating, in order to be “one up on you.” (include the evil smirk as well!) This can be one of the most frustrating encounters of all. Once a PD feels they have prevailed in a given situation, they feel inclined to push the knife in a little deeper, simply to remind you of who is in control. Control is indeed most important to them.
  8. They depreciate you physically, sexually,and  intellectually- They cannot accept you, or love you for who you are. You could be exceptionally smart, great in bed, and physically fit, yet, they will always demand more of you. Their ploy is to make themselves feel better by depreciating their victim. Again, low self-esteem and insecure about themselves. You are a supply to feed their dysfunctional egocentric epicenter.
  9. They threaten you with “fear of loss.”- “you won’t leave me because…”, “No one will take care of you like I do.” , “you can’t financially survive without me.” and on and on. Victims will usually succumb to these fear-based notions. It is an effective tool of a PD. This is the point at which the victim has done damage to themselves and cannot rationalize their situation properly.
  10. Control of their victims is primary objective- This is achieved via discovering and attacking what “they perceive” as their victims weaknesses (emotions, conscience, etc.)  PD’s learn their victim’s emotional weaknesses (buttons to push)  for the sake of manipulating behavior.  This is not to say that good emotions or having a conscience are weaknesses, quite the contrary. Where it concerns the PD, this goodness is in direct opposition to their innermost self. It must be controlled, put in “check” to maintain conformity as related to the PD’s flow in life.  It’s like clay or putty, the PD forms the clay(abused) to their satisfaction. Emotional malleability of their victim is key to the PD’s day to day ego nourishment.  Years of bad relationships(interpersonal or otherwise) have honed skills of manipulation, deception, projection, etc..all for the goal of total control. A healthy personality cannot compete with the likes of a PD.
  11. They will go off on tangents of irrelevancies- Spouting rhetoric, scrutinizing your words through semantics, all as a tactic to find your weakness at that given moment. Once the weakness is discovered, the PD will emotionally, “beat you into submission.” In the mind of a PD, whatever they say does not have to be logical or make sense. It is a tactic to wear their victims down to the point of submission.
  12. Highly sensitive to criticism- I believe we can all agree that being criticized affects our core or epicenter. We may not like it, however, we learn to deal with criticism in normal and healthy ways. In the case of a PD though,  their reactions are the extreme as compared to normal, healthy reaction. You have penetrated their force field, the one that protects their already weak super ego. It’s like awakening the “Kraken” from the abyss. If your PD is female, the realm of reaction can be emotional(crying, feelings hurt) to downright nasty, possibly physical. This is where the actress comes out, it is not real emotion, it is an impressionistic performance, one that fits the situation and will achieve the best desired result. The male PD is not quite so dramatic emotionally. Tatics they prefer are “bullying” which vary from direct personal attacks to forceful language and physical aggression. With either gender, the amount of emotional hurt felt by a true PD in such situations is miniscule, as compared to a healthy personality. A PD’s hurt only lasts a few seconds, until such time the “fighter pilot” can launch their artillery.
  13. Overwhelming sense of entitlement. As previously mentioned, abusers perceive themselves as privileged and indulge their ego by deprecating others, being in control, being dictatorial and authoritarian. And when you have frustrated a PD to a point where they have lost control, they will resort to cursing, name calling, and possibly physical abuse. Entitlement protects their egocentric black-hole, for they must remain superior in their mind. Black-holes are cosmically referenced to consume vast amounts of energy. You the victim, are the source of energy the PD requires. Does the black hole change form by consuming energy? No, it just continues to consume.
  14. Exaggerates- This could apply to situations and circumstances of any given subject that allows your abuser to feel more powerful over their victims.  They are masters of turning the proverbial “mole hill into a Mountain.”  Where normal personalities see such minor circumstances as not worth discussing and creating drama, it is opportunity for the PD to hone their skills. It’s an easy way to supply their ego.  As well, they also like to embelish their personal status, skills, maybe even completely lie about such areas of their life. Again, to feed their dysfunctional core.  Remember, PD’s feel superior over normal personalities because they have abilities to manipulate their emotions and this aids to create the outcome they require. Mostly to depreciate their victims, breakdown their self-esteem and keep them obedient and sub-servient.

The above relates to typical encounters for the abused, taking into consideration that there are over-lapping and some distinct differences that are specific to each personality disorder, i.e., histrionics don’t care about whether they are right or wrong, they thrive on drama and attention in any form Vs Narcissist who challenge their victim to the rightness of any given circumstance, and relentlessly persues their rightness. Bi-polars are unpredictable, going from one extreme of emotion to another( anger to serenity.)  Sociopaths are much like the Narcissist, however, are more likely to be physical, have a higher disregard for authority,and are less conformant with authority and societal law.

THE ABUSED

  1. Do you find it difficult to rationalize their perceptions or opinions? (abusers don’t typically rationalize, they demand.) Do you stand there in awe wondering why you accept their perceptions at all?!?! (your intuition telling you it’s wrong!!)
  2. Based upon the abuser’s demanding need for you to submit to their point of view, do you then simply submit for the sake of peace? (if you do, then you have fed their ego,therefore,  they have defeated you!)
  3. Do you find yourself feeling ugly, sexually insignificant, and mentally deprived? If you feel any one of these, it is the result of your PD’s implementation of their “over-whelming sense of entitlement.”  You are the putty in their hands, molding you into an image that satiates them. However they mold you today, may not appease them tomorrow. It will be a never-ending continuum of change required to meet the immediate gratification of the PD’s ego. Does not matter what the PD wanted yesterday, this is today, and that is enough reason for the PD to change their mind
  4. Are your emotions vacillating without clarity about where you stand as an individual, much less in the relationship? The victim’s uncertainty about their value has infiltrated their self-esteem and that is where the abuser wants their victim’s,  in a weakened state of mind. This is the point at which most people will either “get out” or “remain”  in the abusive situation.
  5. Does your abuser make you feel so inadequate, that you have the double-sided fear, that you can’t live with them, yet, you can’t live or survive without them? (attachment and/or co-dependency)
  6. Has guilt set so far within you, that you feel as though you are a major contributor to the relationship problems despite what your intuition tells you? Once you have reached this point, and you do not listen to your intuition to “get out”, then you are truly contributing to the relationship debacle. This is the point at which the abused must accept responsibility for their own actions. In other words, you are no longer the victim of your abuser, you are a victim of your own volition to remain in this relationship from hell.
  7. Do you question when your abuser accuses/blames you for their guilty actions?  Do you end up feeling guilty when all is said and done, yet, left also feeling perplexed about what just happened?!?!  Your PD just successfully used the tatic of “projection.”  This skill is highly useful for future situations whereby the PD can utilize admissions or submissions to discredit the abused when similar points or re-occurances of same play into another debate.

These are your classic signs on both sides of the coin. Emotional abusers are “master manipulators.”  Here’s  the “wake up call” for the abused,..it took a long time for the abuser to acquire these skills of manipulation. Probably long before you met them and I can assure you, it is not their first rodeo. You probably do not know them as well as you think, their nature won’t allow you to get close enough to know them well. They most likely have never had a successful interpersonal relationship in their lifetime. Although, whatever relationship they had, they typically will lead you to believe it was the other persons fault, or that they had to break it off because of faults the other person had. You may witness the crazy-making interactions of a former mate or spouse, and assume your PD was correct. Take heed to these reactions, it may be possible that the other person has never come to terms with the former PD. In other words, this person has not recovered fully from the former relationship. If they have close friends, observe their social skills, their interactions with others. I believe you will find some aspect of their personality will prove to be dysfunctional. As an example, my PD only had two close friends, one of which stood out to have one egregious trait, being highly promiscuous despite being married, Otherwise, she was not adversarial, non-argumentative, or controlling.  Her other friend was not quite as promiscuous, however, was obsessed with her physical appearance , and her circle of girlfriends where she lived were all 20 years younger than her. She being 44 and her friends ranging from 21 to 29 years of age.  Party, party, party!!

PD’s are charismatic, typically socially adept, arrogant, self-centered and usually will not show their dark side to others outside their interpersonal relationship. How acceptable they interact socially would depend upon the degree of their disorder, and their status in a community setting. I have found that the influence of alcohol (social settings) will bring out odd/abnormal behavior conducive to their condition. In other words,  alcohol is a depressant and will bring out some form of repressed characteristics/trait of your abuser’s condition. Observe the things they say while under the influence in such social scenario’s. It is typical for them to embelish, exaggerate, or lie about themselves or things they have done.  Some PD’s are subtle like this, and others can be the extreme, displaying their true condition outwardly without considering the consequences. Some feel paranoia and cannot deal with the social interaction because they are consciously aware of their demons and one of them is about to get loose.  They usually don’t want to be discovered. The abused should take heed when this happens, for the abusers emotions are in turmoil and you could  become their “whipping post” later that day or evening.

There are many levels and many personality disorders that overlap similar traits and characteristics as described above. We are not concerned whether they are clincally classified or diagnosed as a specific PD, instead, to be concerned that some of the above symptoms of the relationship exist. Simply put, ABUSE. You could spend time, energy and vast amounts of your financial resources trying to determine what condition your abuser has, and possibly your own condition or state of mind. If the abuse is there, that’s all that matters. It is good to know the signs,  and it is the goal of this blog to focus on the abused. If you are the abused, you are already consumed enough without being further consumed by trying to figure out your abusers condition. In other words, simply knowing you are in an abusive relationship,and having key knowledge about the signs is all that is necessary to make life changing decisions.

Lastly, there are many ways that the abused can “cope” with their PD.  However, let me make this explicitly clear, it is only a temporary fix. If you should decide to stay in an abusive relationship and use such coping methods as a means to an end (fix the relationship), you will be sadly disappointed. The PD will adjust accordingly and you will receive much of the same treatment as before, if not worse. Coping methods are designed primarily to help the abused cope during the dissolution process of the relationship, and also post-dissolution. Learning to cope will not save the relationship.

The content of this publication or any publication on this blog site, is not to be construed as a replacement for professional help in these respective areas.  Any responses to enquiries are strictly in the opinion of the blog originator(s) , therefore, it is the responsibility of such enquirers to apply due diligence concerning accuracy,validity, and mindful use of this blogs information, content and/or suggestions.

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