Man and Woman- “Friendships after Sexual Intimacy”

Although this is far from my typical posts about personality disordered individuals, there are a combination of  circumstances to the story below that have emotional properties of dysfunction, such as ego, deception, and manipulation. It’s a true story regarding content and facts, and I would be interested to have my readers perceptions, opinions and comments once read.

The Truth of the matter is..

I would like to lay out a scenario that concerns a topic that affects so many interpersonal relationships in this day and time, that is “emotional infidelity.”  For emotional infidelity to occur there must be mutual emotional intimacy that enables a man and woman outside the realm of their true relationships. So, how does emotional infidelity typically manifest? First we have to look at the logistics of such a manifestation.  Most commonly,  co-workers.. makes sense, right! We spend on average 8 of our waking hours with such people. In the same environment, dependent upon status within a work environment, clients. Social interactions, company functions , etc.  There is one other area that raises a special interest to me due to my life’s experience and those friends and acquaintances.  Here is the scenario using fictitious names:

John and Jane had an intimate relationship all of 4 months. Jane was truly attracted to John for his looks, his successes, his personality,..he was the complete package in her mind. Likewise, John conveyed to Jane that she was a “catch” as well.  However, towards the latter part of this relationship John found out Jane could not provide him with children.  According to Jane, John simply stopped calling her. Jane is of course hurt, and very disappointed.  A month or so later, John called Jane to explain his reasons for breaking off the relationship. Long story short, Jane accepted his reasons and they decided to remain in a friendship thereafter.

Within approximately one year, John found a wonderful woman named Sarah, married her and had twins. Keep in mind, John and Jane remained friends, time has passed, and the twins are around 2 years old presently. Only recently though, has the new wife Sarah come to know Jane. Jane worked at the local bank where John does business, and John introduces them at the bank. Now, it is not clear to Sarah the full extent of John and Jane’s relationship, other than he’s known her for some years now.

During the course  of time John is married to Sarah, Jane and John have interacted in social ways, and for the sake of argument, we will leave their scenario as  innocent interaction.  Jane however, since the time of the breakup, still considers John a wonderful man, and has told other’s how great he is, even though Jane was disappointed their relationship did not work out. In the end, she conveys her happiness that John found what he wanted in life.

Since the recent introduction at the bank, John, Jane, and Sarah now socialize, and hang out at one another’s home. Jane now wants to befriend Sarah, to no longer be just an acquaintance.  Now Sarah still does not have a clue that John and Jane were lovers, and very intimate. She does not know that Jane still talks with others about John, as though he was the one that truly got away. The question here has many facets to it.  I’ll pose just a few below:

1)  Would it not be more ethical, moral, and rational for Jane to remove herself as an ex-lover for the sake of John and Sarah’s marriage?

2) Each week, month, year this facade continues between John and Jane will only amplify the mistrust and anger Sarah will have for each of them. Without knowledge of John and Jane’s previous relationship, Sarah will most likely accept Jane’s friendship, however, at what possible cost to Sarah’s marriage?

3) Every marriage has it’s emotional ups and downs, many times too, couples will say things they shouldn’t. John and Sarah are like everyone else, they are not exempt from these emotional situations. We cannot determine when the truth will come out,.. So if Jane continues this friendship with John and Sarah can we determine that the truth will inevitably come to light?

4) What is the true motivating factor for John and Jane to remain as friends,..Jane claims it’s because he’s honorable, and there is mutual respect between them as individuals. That neither of them would compromise the other’s relationship position. First off, Jane and John have already compromised their positions by hanging onto this friendship. Now let’s talk about honorable, if you recall earlier in this prose,  John dumped Jane. As well, he did not contact her until some time later, and then decided to explain his reasons for dumping her?!  A very honorable man indeed..right!

5) Jane quotes that John is one of her nearest  and dearest friends (I’m sure Sarah hasn’t heard this yet!)  So, with that being said, if paradise between John and Sarah should ever take a negative turn, could John possibly seek Jane as a confidant to pour his emotions out about his marriage?

6) Jane has stated that she is no threat to John’s marriage, that once she becomes closer to Sarah, then Sarah will truly understand she is not a threat. Jane speaks as though her and John’s past is history, and that the friendships between John, Jane and Sarah are a new beginning, based on trust. Interesting that Jane uses the word “trust”,.. I think where Jane is missing the boat is that she is already a threat. Not so much where physical or emotional fidelity is concerned, but by virtue of Sarah finding out the truth that is being hidden from her by John and Jane. Doesn’t it seem Jane is hiding behind the veil of trust!

I believe with the above information, there is enough to render some comments from my readers. I would like to make a few comments of my own. Granted, in order to maintain such a rare friendship, a person must be completely comfortable with themselves, i.e., their morals and ethics. However, we are dealing with 3 separate individuals, different genetic dispositions, demeanor, perceptions and opinions, despite possibly having similar values. When “paradise” is compromised somehow between John and Sarah, I believe things will eventually begin to surface  and it will bite everyone in the ass! Actually it will bite only John and Jane, Sarah will become the victim.

Considering John, Jane, and Sarah, there is a manipulation between John and Jane to maintain their friendship, hence a deception.  Where is John’s allegiance? Should be to Sarah, right?!  She is of course, his wife!  So, I ask once more, what is the motivation for John and Jane to maintain this deception? Just my humble opinion, this is not a healthy interaction as it stands. Once a couple enters into a marriage or engagement, anyone whom a man or woman has had previous sexual relations with should not remain as “close friends” within that relationship.  As adults, we accept from one another that previous sexual relations existed in our lives.  What we don’t want in a marriage is our previous sexual lives following us into “close friendships.” Such an interaction is the ultimate formula for emotional infidelity.   The success of such relationships as mentioned above are extremely rare, and they are rare for a  reason,.. because  the largest share of people believe in the sanctity of their marriage, and  preserving the bond of trust, not creating such possibilities of risk and compromising their marriage. It boils down to better choices to enable the qualities of a long and trustful relationship.

Some of you out there may have personally experienced such a scenario or have knowledge of others being living under these circumstances.  I welcome your comments/opinions free of any criticisms as I have already conveyed my perceptions and opinions. It’s wide open so have at it everyone!  Look forward to it.

Tags: better choices, committed relationships, dysfunctional friendships, dysfunctional relationships, ego, emotional infidelity, ethics, friendships, inter-personal relationships, interpersonal deception, life choices, love, marriage, morals, relationship choices, selfishness, selfless