Comfort Zones of the Abused

12 Mar

Is it possible to be simultaneously comfortable and uncomfortable in an inter-personal relationship? Absolutely, happens more often than we realize.  Though a person doesn’t necessarily have to be in an abusive relationship for this to happen.  We humans are unique in so many ways, therefore, no single individual approaches life’s ups and downs in the same manner. However, we are all similar in one respect, humans are “creatures of habit.”

Let’s start off with a simple example of human habit.  “Happy Hour” at the local watering hole! Every day after work people have a few drinks in order to satisfy their mindset about what therapeutic value this has for them.  The question is though, is it a responsible zone to be within? That would depend upon the individual. Remember, people are at Happy Hour for various reasons, none of which are the same between any one of them. Though this may be the case, the common denominator is this, they are all there for comfort in some form or fashion. Could simply be the social interaction, it could be just for the alcohol itself. It could go emotionally deeper, loss of a loved one, or they themselves being terminally ill. Despite what those specific reasons are, the habit is created / formed, and it becomes a source of comfort.

Let’s just take our everyday routine of raising children, being a husband or a wife, the duties we perform as such,  complacency sets in, and we begin to feel unfulfilled. Sound familiar to anyone?  This is where the individual copes with the rigors of life (comfort zone) but knows that there has to be more to life than what their daily routine offers. This could play out in several different ways once this mental interruption has taken place. In other words, the habit, the routine, the comfort zone will evolve, good, bad, or indifferent. The inter-personal relationship will no doubt be affected, good, bad, or indifferently. In the largest share of such cases, it normally works out bad, or indifferent, rather than good. Taking it one step further, mostly indifferent, which places the relationship back into the comfortable, yet uncomfortable zone. This is common in cases of physical abuse, where the man or woman on the receiving end of the abuse knows it’s wrong, however, they make the conscious decision to remain in this abusive relationship. It has become habit to the abused, therefore, they are comfortable. So many abused people get out of these types of relationships only to find themselves back in another abusive relationship.  Is it simply a matter of bad choices? Partially yes. It’s hard to break a habit, like smoking. Those who smoke know full well it’s bad for them, yet, they continue to smoke.  Same with the abuse, be it physical, verbal, or emotional abuse.

I have a dear friend that spent many years in a physically abusive relationship. Her and I have known each other since childhood. I know this woman well, she is beautiful inside and out, well-educated, and well established financially. She has remained unmarried for a number of years, and has dated with little satisfaction.  I have been conferring with her about the most recent relationship, and this gentleman ( I use that term loosely!) appears to be a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disordered individual. The stories she has conveyed about this man scream classic traits and characteristics of an NPD. He also has the propensity to be physically abusive when drinking. So why does she remain?  I need to confer with her a bit more, but it seems she is falling back into the physically abusive zone where she was once “comfortable” for many years. It’s like placing the reformed addict’s drug of choice on the table and then saying, “it’s up to you!”  At the very least, you will migrate towards that drug, all the while knowing it would be a bad decision / choice.  I asked my friend one simple question, “why do you continue to expose yourself to this man?” Her reply,.. “I don’t know!?”

Now let’s take a generation step backwards. We  have talked about ourselves, our habits, our routines, our comfort zones, but what about our mothers and fathers? How were we raised to think and believe. What did we witness, and fill our minds with by virtue of our exposure to them? Much of their actions, beliefs, etc. impacted  how we think, believe, and react. Their adversity was our adversity, their love was our love, and so on.  So in answer to my dear friend’s question, I provide the following excerpt:

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

  • *maladaptive – inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
  • *compulsive – psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
  • *sources of great emotional pain and stress – chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse;sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in “toxic relationships“, in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; ifcodependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

Could this be my friend? Could this be you? It’s a hard pill to swallow for any of us to admit that we could indeed be a codependent personality. To believe that we could possibly be “maladaptive” is not only a slap in the face, it’s a “black-eye!”  We created a deeply embedded “comfort zone” for ourselves as children, and then carried that comfort into our adult lives. Creatures of habit we are indeed.

It’s not as bad as you think, for acceptance that we have mismanaged our lives in order to cope with our personal / inter-personal environment, both as children and adults, is the first step towards recreating a new world for ourselves. My friend is right, she truly didn’t know, she realizes it’s wrong, but why? She is thinking in present terms, when the problem essentially relates to our earliest memories of childhood, the environment in which we were raised. In essence, she has to break the old habit of controlling her life to suit the needs of others and to understand where the basis of that need was derived, i.e., her family (Mother/Father/siblings).  Such an epiphany is life changing, and without these realizations we could never know why we do what we do. What we must realize most of all is this, “Do we deserve happiness?” Absolutely, and it’s never too late to  make it your reality.

Cluster B’s What to expect after the break-up Part III

12 Dec

Let’s summarize Parts I and II as a review once the break-up or separation has occurred..

a) YOUR CHILDREN- The children shall be your driving force towards your recovery. How? Quite simple, if you don’t act upon yourself in healthy ways towards recovery, then what kind of environment do you believe you will provide for them? Taking care of your physical and mental self is paramount to the welfare of your children. As well, it is always my hopes that most children that come out of these dysfunctional relationships are young (6 or less).  It is much easier when they are young and impressionable for them readjust without the dysfunction. If children are beyond the age of 10 and have been in the line of fire with a dysfunctional parent(s), then they are likely to acquire some of the bad characteristics and traits. This is not to say they will not change, however, it will be more difficult to help them change. Pay close attention to how your children react to you post break-up/divorce. Recognize the signs and learn to help them and not be frustrated or angry, instead devise ways to help them cope with their abusive parent. Remember too, you were a part of this dysfunction as well, so be culpable, and be understanding with the kids.

b) EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED FROM YOUR X-  an acquaintance I’ve known for some time was in a long-term relationship (7 years) with an emotional and verbally abusive woman. He was a well thought of personality amongst his peers.  Long story short, he fell prey to his X via a phone invitation to come over and see her post breakup. They had sex. His mind was reeling in confusion over what just transpired between them. He knew it was all a mistake, and left her place stating again that they could not continue this relationship. After he left, she wrecked her apartment, self-inflicted abrasions, and cuts upon herself, called the police and said she was raped. Semen samples, and a good theatrical performance landed him in jail, he now has a criminal record, cost him a fortune in legal fees, etc.. She literally brought his life as he knew it to an abrupt halt. Please, if there is a warning you must heed, especially when the break-up is recent, DO NOT BELIEVE YOU KNOW THEM SO WELL, BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY, AND MOST OF ALL, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THEIR EGREGIOUS NATURE. The previously mentioned gentleman told me that, “in his wildest dreams, he never would  have  imagined her going to such a level to perjure herself, and to hurt him!

So, if there appears to be a valid reason between you and the X to meet, then have witnesses, one possibly two friends. Two is better. Advise the X that is the condition of your valid meeting. They will either not agree to the meeting (so who cares, right!)  or they will moan and complain and still allow it to happen.  Use the phone camera to show the meeting occurred with all parties present. Ask your friends to be prepared to run the video on their phone if adversity occurs on the X’s behalf.   I believe everyone knows the acronym “CYA”,.. with Cluster B’s,  you must always cover yourself.

c) REMAIN NO CONTACT OR LIMITED CONTACT-  One must adhere to this policy when dealing with these emotional predators. This man I previously mentioned was weakened by his own emotions for this woman. She convincingly lured him in by virtue of his emotional weakness for her. When she didn’t get the result she wanted, she simply had to hurt him in some way. Whether you were married, short-term , long-term, man or woman, it doesn’t matter, do not underestimate the how extreme your abuser will relent to hurt you after the break-up. Usually the first 60 days are the worst. Typically NPD’s will have already found a potential supply by that time. They are much better behaved once a new supply is found, they are just the worst Cluster B to deal with during the relationship.  All other Cluster B ‘s after a breakup, and post divorce will continue their antics but will not be as extreme as the first couple of months. Remember, they are not emotional from the heart, they are incapable of  emoting love, kindness, empathy, etc.  To take back control of your life and sever the relationship will only upset their putrid core. You will have summoned their demon of restitution,  you are the perpetrator of all that has upset their ego, and that is unacceptable. You will have to pay a price, and this is why no-contact and limited contact is important.

d) EMOTIONAL MATURITY AND DISCIPLINE-  This is the toughest of all, for you have lived with the traits and characteristics of an emotionally dysfunctional mate. You most likely experienced every emotion from A-Z with this person, and have become emotionally weakened. So, to speak of emotional maturity and discipline is asking a lot of someone who has been emotionally, verbally, or even physically abused. This is where we truly begin Part III.

A FRESH START..

So here you are, the madness ends and a new life begins. You have broken the chains that have bound you for so long. Even though you may be generally happy about this dissolution, there is still a void you will initially feel.  There is no more emotional, verbal, or physical abuse  and the crazy-making antics of your abuser no longer exist,..there is a calm in your life now.

People in marriages, or just dating that qualify as healthy personalities usually move on with their lives after the break-up, and are less adversarial or dramatic towards one another thereafter, i.e., they are emotionally mature. Victims of personality disordered individuals post break-up, emotional escape is not always so simple. First thing you will experience is that you now have extra time on your hands and it will be imperative for the formerly abused to utilize this time productively. Here are a few suggestions:

1) Take all pictures that have your X in them and store these pics where you would not have convenient access. If you have pics on a computer, download them to disk and then store them in the same manner. The less visualizations the easier on the mind, basically, “out of sight,out of mind.” Destroying photos and digital images is fine if you were not married to this individual. For those who were married,  it’s best to keep photos for the children’s purposes later in life. Just store them somewhere protected and from easy access to you.

2)  MAIL is opportunity for your former abuser, and it is widely used to maintain contact and harass you. Under no conditions allow yourself to be drawn into this trap of  hand delivering mail or picking up your mail from them. If you are the one moving to a new residence, just ensure USPS has all the correct info to properly forward your mail. If you somehow get your X’s mail through the new address, simply write on the envelope “not resident of this address” and return through the postal system. Either way, if they have your mail or you have theirs, do your best to have it forwarded via USPS, because what you think is a kind gesture or having sincere intentions will turn out to be another opportunity for them to hurt you. Don’t take the chance.

3) Communication is only necessary for those that were in marriages/inter-personal relationships with children. If you were not married, and had no children then it is suggested to change your phone numbers(land line and cell), email addresses, and uphold the”no contact” rule.  Contact with an X should only be limited to the children’s concerns and handled with care and maturity. Unfortunately, when there are children involved, the X will create so many unnecessary situations throughout the divorce proceedings and post divorce using the children as leverage. Examples would be their interpretations on custody, visitation, child support, and alimony if applicable. It will never completely go away.  The good news is they will eventually find a new supply and that will most definitely take a good share of the attention off of you.

4) Postpone dating for a while.  Typically after the breakup, there will be some unhealthy cynicism towards the opposite sex. Some formerly abused individuals walk away with a minimal amount of emotional baggage, others have emotional freight, as in ship-loads!  Truly, it is not advisable to enter into dating until you take the opportunity to work on yourself first. Socializing is good, and there are so many ways to socialize. Get on the internet and see what’s happening in your area. I would highly suggest, especially in the beginning to stay away from the bars. Alcohol is a depressant and when one is emotionally recovering, that is something you don’t need right-away.   The internet is full of sources for self-healing from such dysfunctional relationships. On this site, there is a 6 phase recovery program, although brief, it is powerful in that it taps into self deeply. There is no magic pill, and recovery will not happen overnight. It requires extreme discipline and that alone will take time.  Every day is a day of progress if you put your heart, soul and mind into it. Have clarity about what you want and get your priorities in-line. The empty feeling should leave in 2 months or less. Realistically speaking, 6-8 months is about average for a healthy recovery. Some people recover well on the outside and still carry the hurt inside, they are guarded and protective of their heart. Let me just say this, no matter who you choose as your next mate, there is ALWAYS risk. However, without risk, there is no reward. If you go into a relationship understanding risks and rewards then you have matured, for this is a reality of life. Keep in mind, your new mate takes the same risk with you.

Socializing, being physically active, making certain lifestyle changes like eating healthy, acquire new hobbies, etc. Simply put, have clarity about what is important in your life and why.  It’s not such a long  journey really, and time does manifest healing if you put positive energy into it.

When you begin to feel comfortable about yourself and wish to begin dating, please do one thing of great importance to your future relationship. Redefine what love is to you. In many cases where healthy personalities fall into the clutches of a Cluster B mate, the only tie the victim believed they had to their abuser was love. Let me assure you the emotion you felt was not one of love. Love did not exist, because you believed that love was the only thing in the relationship that could bring some form of solace to your heart and mind. Believe it or not, your abuser created this facade of love for you to live within. Scary but true! Now that we understand many of red-flags and what not to do, doesn’t necessarily mean we have truly defined love. This is a subject you can also find much information on the internet, and there is too much to discuss in this post about love itself so study love with great diligence.  It may surprise you.

One of the biggest mistakes most victims make when dating again is they talk too much about the X relationship. This will indeed end up in disappointment for both parties, therefore, non-productive towards the recovery process. For the most part, everyone who dates are curious about the other’s X relationship(s), Invariably, they always ask “what happened?” More times than not it opens up an emotional “can of worms” so it is important to minimize/eliminate any depreciation or hatred for the X.  The best impression one can make when dating is to show emotional maturity. Look at your replies as being a way to test your emotional maturity, your self-control. By pass the X subject by showing genuine interest in your new prospect in all aspects.. If you really want to get down to someones personality, talk about their family. Seek out how they interact with all their immediate family, primarily mother and father, guardian, etc.  They are the basis where the bad characteristics and traits begin.  Siblings and children would be your next interest. Be fair and open, but pay close attention to what they say. As well, don’t try to be someone’s rescuer if they are having emotional or financial problems. It’s a probable red-flag!  Remember this with the utmost importance, each and every person you date is “not your X!” Again be fair, do not tie a simple habit(s), use of words, etc. as a reason to “run for the hills.”  You are looking for something deeper than trivial idiosyncrasies, we all have them for no one is perfect. You are looking at traits and characteristics you can live with or not. Date casually without commitments in the beginning, and if it was meant to be, it will come back full circle.

This is also another mistake men and women alike make when dating, they tend to engage in adversity, just like old times with the Cluster B. If you happen to begin responding towards another negatively, DO NOT JUSTIFY YOUR ACTIONS, it’s wrong, you know it, suck it up and be mature. Now, if your new prospect decides to be verbally aggressive you simply stop, take a deep cleansing breath, and think before you speak. Decide what it is your prospect is trying to say, if some action you took initiated their response. Maybe it reminded them of their mother, father, X husband or boyfriend. Simply put, be the wiser person, and if it goes nowhere, then move on. There are plenty of dating prospects available.

In summary, the primary goal of each and every aforementioned action is the total betterment of your personal self in order to enjoy and benefit in your new life with your children and a future mate. Self must always be the priority in recovery cases, as it will serve to manifest the life you deserve. Your family and friends will benefit as well. Your comments or questions are welcome.

CLuster B’s What to expect after the breakup-PartII

7 Dec

In the first post we covered the need to go “no contact” or “limited contact” based upon whether the relationship involved marriage, long-term with investments, or an inter-personal relationship free of any such encumbrances. I shall begin with Marriage and long-term with investments.

I will have to cover much of this in generalities as divorce laws and joint investment laws vary from state to state. As an example, “no fault” divorce is simply a means by which to unclog the court system, thereby leaving fault as a non-issue. In other words, if “infidelity” were the issue for divorce, “no fault” states will not litigate “infidelity” and the judge will define and render a decision of  “irreconcilable differences” instead. States that are NOT “no fault” WILL  litigate fault( i.e., “infidelity”) for months up to years in the court’s . Many times fault can go on longer than the division of property and investments. What’s worse, if you are dealing with a personality disordered mate, you can count on it getting nasty, especially where it concerns fault. Another reality in the dissolution process, women are still favored by most  judges. This of course is due in part to “female nurturing” being seen as integral to proper child-hood development.  Now, if the woman is the emotional, verbal, or physical abuser, the concern will be for the best interest of those children. YOUR personal concern, not the judges, unless concrete evidence is presented otherwise.  This is a sensitive area of debate and must be backed with solid evidence that her dysfunction could affect the overall well-being of your children. Covertly recording in home interactions (arguments) between you and/or interaction with the children. Emails are substantial, and are excellent forms of evidence widely accepted by the courts. Any arrest records, or legal actions that occurred during the relationship are important. Also any psychological treatments performed with full documentation.

Please do not misinterpret that I’m conveying a gender bias here in any way. What I am implying is the reality that the courts make egregious mistakes over and over by allowing the personality disordered woman to be a custodial parent when sufficient evidence is there and then not properly presented.  The man has to prove her dysfunctional condition and that this particular concern deserves consideration by the courts in support of the children’s future welfare. Same for women who are dealing with their male abuser, difference is though, a woman in such position will most likely be supported by the courts more readily. Judges look at issues of child abandonment, drug use, and  exposure of sexual activity to the children by the mother. A woman can count on the man getting the children if a judge rules one or more of these issues present.  Typically though,  it is less complicated for a woman to receive the status of being the custodial parent. In summary,  number one here is, the welfare of the children. Number two, these children do not deserve to be exposed to the likes of a personality disordered parent day in and day out. One last point that I personally feel strong about is whomever becomes the custodial parent, DO NOT convey hatred, discontent, or depreciate the x-spouse when communicating with the children. These children have a right to love both their parents. The custodial parent should mentor their children through their hard times with the dysfunctional parent. You are their only true salvation to a normal adult life, so lead by example.

In this day in time, women or men can be the “bread-winners” financially, yet, the courts still favor the women generally speaking. The two common areas of financial that can affect one for a lifetime are “alimony” and “pensions.” A personality disordered mate, despite gender, will milk these for everything it is worth to them. This is their ultimate opportunity for long-term  reparation, to push the emotional knife deeper. The best suggestions I can offer here is to research, talk to friends, and acquaintances about who is the best attorney you can find in “Family Law.” Everyone’s circumstances vary within a marriage or long-term relationship, not to mention,  laws vary from state to state. So it would behoove the abused to seek good counsel to protect themselves from financial demise. You may pay more up front for a better attorney, hence, preventing a lifetime of financial ruin.

Personal items create some of the most absurd and adversarial situations during divorce proceedings. Many times it takes court orders to retrieve some of the most ridiculous of personal items. For the abused, think long and hard about what is truly important and leave “principles” out of your mind. Don’t allow your X to engage or anger you about insignificant items. When separating, take what you know is rightfully yours, and if there are questions about anything else, attempt to negotiate. If they are not amenable to such negotiation, you have two choices. One, decide if it is something you can replace later and not worry about it. Two, if it has financial or sentimental value, let the court order these items be returned to you. If the courts award these items to your X instead, walk away and be done forever more.

Lastly, we delve into the emotional and post trauma of the dysfunctional relationship. If there were children involved, the abused must resolve to the fact that you will deal with one another until one or the other literally dies. Fact of life, accept it. As I mentioned earlier, the emotionally healthy parent, whether assigned as the custodial parent or not, must maintain emotional discipline and maturity. Practicing such discipline will always be an advantage in a few ways. First and foremost, it allows one to create a new and productive life, to understand the past and not make the same mistakes again, and have a more fulfilling future relationship. As well, if your x-abuser ended up being the custodial parent, I can assure you, their antics will continue. Record every possible public conversation (confer w/attorney on phone recordings), record your children’s conversations when they visit you, no openly, covertly. Emails once again, are solid forms of documentation in court. Always remain calm and mature, allowing your X to shoot themselves in the foot. This could offer an opportunity to get the children out of this dysfunctional environment.

For those of you that had long-term relationships, former engagements, etc., most of what I have written above still applies. Expect some craziness to continue, expect them to take claim to things that aren’t truly theirs, expect them to engage you via phone, emails, text, whatever! Don’t put any act of dysfunction past them, they are capable of most anything that will hurt you. Your present advantage is, you know what to expect, and you can always be a couple of steps ahead the game. Don’t forget too, never believe a damn thing they say!!  Lastly, remain “NO CONTACT” and stay emotionally disconnected,..believe me, you are much safer this way.

I will do a  Part III specifically on the personal side of emotions post relationship and what not to do when going back into the dating world.

Cluster B’s- What to expect after the break-up Part I

24 Nov

Exploring your new-found freedom from the dysfunctional relationship can be filled with anticipation and excitement. Likewise, it can be filled with  frustration, confusion, cynicism, ,and you’ll feel like you’re back on an emotional roller coaster!  What you are experiencing is a different sort of emotional struggle, i.e., remaining  low self-esteem, poor physical health,  hatred, unsuccessful dating and dating fear, level of cynicism towards the opposite sex is most likely at an unhealthy levels, etc.  So the basis of this article is to guide you though the realities of what to expect from yourself and your abuser post dissolution.

In the beginning.. “THE X”

By now you understand that your former spouse/ significant other’s personality disorder is a life long condition and will typically get worse as they age.  If you were fortunate enough to escape without children involved, then the necessity to utilize coping skills will be very temporary, because you truly have nothing that binds or commits one another. Exceptions would be joint ownership of assets in an LTR Vs a Marriage.  Comparatively speaking, where post-dissolutions of marriage between two healthy personalities can work through issues, the unhealthy, high conflict personalities post dissolution always tend to remain in never-ending drama. This is due in part to the healthy personality not establishing solid boundaries from their former abuser. As there is usually a healthy personality involved in such dysfunctional former relationships, then it’s a matter of emotional discipline, emotional maturity, and learning coping skills.  As the former victim/abused, you must learn to be disciplined for the sake of your future happiness. One of the main reasons why one becomes a victim of abuse is a lack of discipline where it concerns relationship boundaries. A person may recognize some of the relationship dysfunction early on, however, tends to ignore the traits and characteristics of their mate. In essence, they are ignoring the boundaries that should have served them in the first place. Giving these emotional predators any “benefit of doubt” or “forgiveness”  is like giving them the rope to hang their victims. They prey on individuals that are forgiving, emotionally sound, and are romantics. It’s like “shooting fish in a Barrel” to them.

We’ve established that a former high conflict relationship without children, or investments is rather basic, you simply go “no contact.” This is not to say that it will be a “cake walk” in the beginning, because it will still require discipline. Everything still applies so pay close attention to detail. Here is the scary part, it doesn’t matter if the relationship was for months or years, your abuser believes they will always “own” you, that they will always have control over you, till death do you part! Their arrogance precedes them and believe all that they considered close to them during their lifetime can still be manipulated despite time.

All the perceptions and attitudes when one is in the abusive relationship MUST CHANGE in order to detach from the abuser. In other words, what you thought and believed then most likely has been weakened therefore, you will have to develop new and stronger patterns of thinking in order to successfully detach.

So many times after such a relationship is over, we tend to open our “emotional door” once more and the madness begins once again. This enables your abuser rather than disarming them.  The intent may have been good, and they may have given you a convincing or plausible story unrelated to the relationship in order to communicate with you. Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not  eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone. They will not change. So the importance of being disciplined in forming new perceptions, and attitudes towards the former abuser will serve in protecting all that is meaningful in your life. Sticking to your guns will initially piss off your abuser, so expect some new craziness to happen. Believe me, they will be digging deep into their “Bag of Tricks” to overcome their perceived perpetrator. Keep this in mind, they are capable of unimaginable and egregious behavior because your initiative of no contact has upset the very core of their being. Their nastiness can range from simple verbal attacks to being downright destructive. Do not underestimate them and be prepared for anything despite how well you think you may know them.

What the complete detachment and no contact process will create is and  “out of sight, out of mind” condition whereby pattens of behavior will change if appropriate measures of action are solid on behalf of the healthy personality involved. Otherwise, it can continue to be a “hell on earth.” Yes, it is up to you, because you must remember, they will never change!

If you were in a relationship with an NPD, most likely they will move on much more quickly than a BPD. NPD’s are more hurtful and damaging during a relationship Vs the BPD, however, the BPD tends to continue their madness after the fact.  BPD’s, Histrionic’s, Bipolar’s, have a variation in presence of conscience and emotion, therefore they struggle between reality and their perceived world. Whereas, the NPD has no presence of conscience, hence their ability to move on and seek a new victim or supply.

In summary, expect some continued craziness in the beginning of a break up, given time though, it will subside to a more manageable  level.  Do not engage or provoke your former abuser in any way, you are now in control, not them. Truth and reality are your abuser’s enemies because it sends their egocentric core reeling out of control, so stick to less emotional situations and resolves.

This is one of the most important aspects of your abuser that you must remind yourself of each time they speak, “they are masters of manipulation for the sake of self, not you, and not the children.”  Be disciplined in mind and heart to understand, your former abuser cares about no one but themselves. Remember too, just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they throw a little deception, manipulation, a lie or two, and you are now pissed off!  Amazing how easy they get you right where they want you!  Do not allow them to engage you this way, you are the better person, shame on them for doing this to you, and next time you will be a little smarter, right!  Life is too short to allow others drama and dysfunction to affect those they don’t deserve to be with in the first place. Always put your “thinking cap” on and make sound judgments when communication with your former abuser is necessary.

In my next post, we will talk about more strategies and coping skills to enable you in dealing with the likes of such dysfunctional individuals. In the meantime, no contact is your most viable boundary that can be initially implemented. There are other boundaries that must be set as well and I will provide suggestions where it concerns such personal boundaries.

 

Infidelity – What does it mean to you?

14 Aug

dreamstime_1750674[1]I want all who read this to know how disturbed I am regarding today’s mindset about infidelity! If I research one more article or post that we must accept infidelity as a primal, innate, or it’s natural for human’s to falter, then I’m going to puke!! Sure we faulter, but to what degree? Where are our boundaries?

SEX is indeed a primal and innate need, however, we all forget about our ability of higher reasoning. To be able to rationalize morals and ethics. To understand consequences and outcomes of our actions. Anyone who is reading this has been cheated on, thinks they’ve been cheated on, knows someone that is cheating on a friend, or is a cheater themselves. Despite what category applies, let me ask you a simple question..Do you believe infidelity is immoral and unethical? Worldwide polls state that 95% of the human population say it is indeed immoral and unethical!! So why does over 60% of the human population practice infidelity?

If 95% believe it is wrong, despite all the reasons one could come up with, the only answer is lack of inter-dependency. We lack the ability to interact responsibly with our mate, and thereby become independent. No one wants to accept responsibility for what goes wrong in a relationship. Therefore, we make excuses for ourselves. Why is it we cannot accept shared fault in a relationship, yet, we can excuse our faults where it concerns fidelity? Does this make sense to anyone out there?!

True inter-dependency requires emotional maturity. It’s a case of, “are we growing up or just getting older.” Entitlement is a strong mindset of immaturity where it concerns convincing ourselves “we deserve it” and follow through without considering the consequences. People simply do not take the time to “walk in the shoes” of their victim. There’s nothing primal, or innate about that, it simply illustrates we ignore the moralistic issues and justify our actions through self-entitlement. The act of infidelity feeds the infidel’s egocentric side. It serves only self without mindful thought that there is another that has emotions and needs separate from their own.

If a person feels regret and remorse for such acts, then it was apparent to them, from the beginning , that what they were doing was wrong. In other words, they had presence of conscience. On the other hand, if the victim is dealing with a mate that projects the blame and guilt upon them, with no remorse or regret, then you are dealing with a personality disordered individual. Most likely they suffer from NPD/BPD. In which case, this probably is not the first time they ever cheated on someone. NPD/BPD personalities most definitely suffer from emotional immaturity,.. 24/7 my friends!  People with such a condition have no presence of conscience.

So where does that leave the human race in today’s world? People that are simply lazy and only look at what’s in it for them and them alone. ME, ME, ME, oh selfish ME! If 60% of the human population is cheating, and 95% said it’s immoral, what does that say to you? Put the “shoe on the other foot” and think about that for a while!  Show responsibility in a committed relationship by being emotionally mature, use your higher sense of reasoning, and understand the consequences(rewards Vs punishment.)

I hope and pray that I will never live to see the day, that infidelity will be construed as a natural, therefore, acceptable behavior.

End of Rant!

NPD/BPD- Men, understanding your female tormentor..

28 Jul

dreamstime_8714308[1]The basic natural differences between women and men are this, “women desire to be loved and cherished, while men have to feel needed/useful and appreciated.  Women by nature are more emotional thinkers, while men are more logical thinkers.  In other words, on the scale of emotion, there are definite variances between the genders .  Environment and life long experiences has a significant impact upon the development of emotions despite gender. Men for example, dependent upon their childhood and adolescent experiences, will determine their emotional adeptness.  There are many men that have grown up in loving, and healthy environments and will display such good characteristics in adulthood. These men are typically the target for a personality disordered woman.  As we previously stated, the nature of a man is to feel useful, needed and appreciated.  Women know this all too well. It’s an undeniable fact,  the nature of women is to use their sexuality to coerce men for favors. With this being said, there are healthy and subtle forms of such female manipulation tactics.  If a woman should use her female prowess to manipulate her man then, it should be followed by sincere gestures of appreciation, as well, if the man knows his woman will appreciate what he does for her, then it becomes a mutually acceptable scenario without resentment.  The female NPD/BPD takes coercion to levels unimaginable by most normal people. In fact, if a man were to tell stories of his trials and tribulations with his NPD/BPD mate, most  people would find it hard to fathom or believe.This is usually the onset of a man’s self-doubt.

It is agreed that the gist of psychological problems in either gender stem from childhood to adolescent stages. These conditions/disorders are usually further exacerbated through interpersonal interaction in adulthood as well.  Emphasizing the traits and characteristics of  the typical female gender, coupled with a personality disorder, there is no better candidate to purvey emotional abuse.

Premeditated behavior is considered as conscious/aware or cognizant behavior.  Conditioned behaviors are based upon a repetitious engagement of behavior that is predictable or consistent, without pre-thought or required consciousness of the act.  As it relates to premeditated or conditioned behaviors, we must consider the capacity of the female brain.  We will first put to bed theories about intellectual superiority, ”men and women both have equal intellectual capacity.”  Where our brain functions differ relates to evolution. By design through evolution, gender specific features are built into the brain. Also by design, these differences are complimentary to one another, therefore,  men and women were designed  to collaborate their emotions, intimacy at all levels, and when the compliment of these human aspects are mutually suitable, they will unify. In relationships whereby there is a personality disordered partner, the path towards unification has many “potholes.”

Interesting imaging research about the brain and its ability to solve problems reveal that  men and women given identical tasks, each of their brains took two distinctly different neuropaths to accomplish the same task.  This is due in part to evolutionary innate/primal design differences of the female/male brain, i.e., the brain map/architecture is different in each gender. In summary, the approach and the methods by which a man or a woman creates an abusive scenario in a relationship is very different too, however, the results are the same. Abuse.

It is supposed, that women have the ability to engage/access both hemispheres of the brain simultaneously, whereas the man must “switch gears” to access one side or the other. Keep in mind, be it man or woman, these actions take place within microseconds. Our brain’s integration of the hemisphere’s is maintained through the Corpus Callosum. Hundreds of millions of axonic connections that allow the brain to act and react as a whole entity.  No studies to date have proven that the corpus callosum itself is truly different between male and female ( beliefs that one gender or the other had prevailing mass of the corpus callosum). Other studies reveal differences of how the corpus callosum maintains itself through mental and physiological processes.

For simplicity sake, let’s take for example an emotion/feeling, such as being empathetic. If our ability to be empathetic is present, that means a “continuum” or ”loop” is developed within the brain for empathy. When we consciously program empathy as an emotion during childhood/adolescent years, the mental, biological, physiological, and neurological systems kick in to maintain a healthy continuum for empathy.  The absence or presence of a healthy behavioral connection is apparent via the corpus callosum. Therefore, if someone has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, most likely there are going to be impaired,or have abnormal integration of neural networks and structures, visible through corpus callosum.  Now, let’s take a personality disordered individual who has the absence of this emotion, which in turn means, absence of the “loop”,i.e., incomplete connection and neural activity concerning this emotion/feeling. When the personality disordered individual initiates a conscious decision(during childhood/adolescent), the neuropaths will be based upon environmental survival and comfort(self-preservation), it is a security system of sorts that has been created. Now it becomes an issue of maintaining this mindset, or to create a new one that is more beneficial towards true human interaction.

Now that you understand some of the gender differences, you should now surmise that again, the abusive outcomes are relatively the same, we as men and women simply have different approaches towards abusive behavior. However, a predator is a predator, and abuse is abuse.  What I will delineate here is for the sake of men in abusive relationships. What I conveyed above is to help the abused understand, this is indeed a cerebral wiring problem established in youth. The most unfortunate part is that it typically gets worse as they become older and the prognosis for recovery is slim to none. There are no medications for NPD, BPD, Histrionic, and Anti-social disorders. It is not a physiological disorder, what it is though is a series of life events that by this individuals choice, have created abnormal thought patterns that self-protective in nature. They have by-passed the good emotional side of the brain through these experiences and thoughts. Simply stated, it’s a self-induced rerouting of normal brain processes, not a disease, nor a chemical imbalance. During their youth, they have consciously sacrificed the human emotional side in order to preserve self at any cost. It then becomes a skill set, a talent of deception, and manipulation techniques.   You ever hear the old saying, “age and cunning will always overcome youth and stupidity?”  Well, in the case of a BPD/NPD/Histrionic, their age and cunning (experience) shows in their personality disorder. Their skills become more honed through their years of dysfunctional relationship experiences and it becomes less of a challenge.  This lack of challenge creates a stronger need for supply, and will make them more socially and/or inter-personally inadequate. This is the main reason for their inability to recognize their condition and the desire to change. In the case of a woman with such a disorder, the emotional ties they have to self are much stronger than the male abuser.

Studies have shown that the female brain has the ability to use language more effectively and efficiently than men. Couple that with the disorder, the emotional aspect of the woman’s brain, and you have a lethal mouth of abuse. Men of the world that are involved with an abusive woman, please do not try to make sense of what they say, do not take it personally, and most of all, do not believe a damn thing they say. Manipulation and control is their ultimate goal. Although the ultimate goal of a male or female abuser is the same, ( control ) the female abusers are much more savvy manipulators than men. They are quick thinkers on their feet and will sling anything at the wall they believe will stick.

As well, women by design are visually sensual/sexual. It this sense, a BPD/NPD/Histrionic are aware of this powerful tool when engaging  a man. The female BPD/NPD/Histrionic is so aware that they also tend to be highly promiscuous. Most women with BPD/NPD/Histrionics are highly conscious of the value in seductiveness where it concerns controlling a man. The sad part is, this value is also a “yardstick” by which they measure themselves. For all you men, watch your significant other when in social environments. They will usually intentionally stand next to a man in mixed gender scenario.  Watch how much closer she will stand to a man Vs a woman. She will usually touch the man in some way( bicep, waistline, hand), especially if there is humor, laughing.  Usually, if she is uncomfortable with the women in a mixed gender conversation, she will move on to the next mixed gender group or she may join a conversation amongst male groups. This is due in part to the lack of attention she is receiving.  The larger the function, the less you will see of her, if you are inside, she’ll be outside. If you attempt to join in her social interactions with others, she could become annoyed, possibly accusing you later of being possessive or mistrusting.  if this should occur, beware, because when you get home, she’ll be prepared to lambast you. Bottom line, she is seeking attention anyway she can, and you simply disrupt that freedom she needs to do so.

 

It is normal/healthy to be independent from your s.o. while being social, to break away from one another and be social, however, it is in your best interest to observe how your significant other interacts with others, especially men.  Women in committed relationships, being in social environments naturally engage other men in conversations, and there is nothing wrong with this approach. However, to gain the attention of other men through their female sexuality is not healthy when in a committed relationship. First and foremost, in such social environments,  when a woman engages another man in this way, he is picking up on these signs. She is entering another man’s sexual space with her smiles, her closeness, etc.  She shows interest in what this man says, making certain eye contact, she knows where to touch him as previously mentioned.  He senses the sexual body language she conveys, and this man begins to feel vulnerable to her. The path of his blood flow has been redirected from his brain to his penis, metaphorically speaking, i.e., he is sensually aroused by her actions. She has created a new value in another man’s mind. This is how opportunity begins. Your s.o. will most likely never remember any of these men’s names, but she will remember their reactions, and will decide for herself where there is opportunity.

If you have an active social life together, one of the latest discoveries is that a female BPD/NPD could possibly entertain the idea of sex with multiple partners or at least ask your opinion of such. Let’s face it, societal view of sex has changed dramatically these days, however, if you the man truly feel committment to your mate is most important, and you have observed excessively flirtatious behavior, coupled with her thought about multiple partners, then I suggest you should reevaluate the possible fate of your relationship. Especially if you are dealing with all the other emotionally and verbally abusive characteristics of this woman, and have observed such flirtatious social interaction as described above, then you are at risk of infidelity. Do not write it off as, “that’s just the way she is” or “she’s always been that way”, or “it’s just harmless fun in my opinion”. Remember, she is manipulative, deceptive, elusive, and she will lie to you. She wants you to believe it’s all harmless, it is part of her control factor.

One other statistic that has recently come to light is that one of the primary  reasons a man stays in an abusive relationship with an NPD/BPD woman was SEX. This study revealed that the sexual aspects of these dysfunctional relationships were consistently described as “incredible.”  Think about it men, what are your priorities in a committed relationship? Guys, you should fear this aspect of your BPD/NPD, not only for her promiscuity,  you could also become a possible (more likely probable) victim of STD’s if she should fulfill her desires for  sexual encounter(s) outside the relationship. The decision is yours!  (See also: Header = Personality Disorder and Infidelity)

Any women that read this will most likely disagree with the following fact, based upon their own individual experience, however, it is common knowledge that women typically control the frequency of sex in most interpersonal relationships. The difference with a NPD/BPD is that not only will they control the frequency, they will control the intimacy as well. Mostly to avoid intimacy, and satiate their sexual desires only in a physical sense.  That is to achieve an orgasm(s) and nothing more. Remember this as well, everything these disordered individuals do is for self-serving purposes. Typically they are anxious to do the act, they are open to new sexual acts, and will control what acts shall be performed at any given time. They are usually the aggressor, creative in bed, and  they will get what they want, when they want it. You the man will feel good that she is aggressive, and likes unencumbered sex, however, do not believe she truly cares about your satisfaction. She only wants you to believe she is the best you’ve ever had. Her egocentric epicenter requires such adulation of her sexuality. If you ask to be in control, to make love to her, she may allow you to do so very briefly, despite your moment of sexual glory,  you will end up doing what she wanted anyway. If you are persistent about making love, rather than the typical sex acts, she will begin to find ways to avoid the sex until you give back in to her desires. They will tell you that you’re the best in bed, and another time, they’re saying you’re doing it all wrong or come up with excuses to avoid sex.  They’ll lead you on and then shut you down. If there is a problem regarding infrequency of sex, you will always be to blame. If they cheat on you, it will be because they were entitled/justified to do so because you simply did not fulfill their sexual needs. Then they will expect you to stick around after the affair because you will never find someone as good as she was to you, sexually or otherwise.

Their arrogance and ego coupled with the emotional and sexual prowess will have you eating from their hand. You will relinquish your dignity, your pride, and you will submit to their every desire.  The problem with man is, his gender innate reaction is to figure this all out, that there is a plausible and logical explanation for her actions. Hate to be the bearer of bad news guys, there is none!  All the bad experiences of their youth, the possible doting and enabling of parents/family where it concerns the disordered female gender, created what you see today. The unfortunate reality is, they never left the child/adolescent stage of their life.   Have you ever noticed how juvenile some of their thought processes and reactions are, as if you are dealing with 6 year old little girl? This six year old is a devil in an adult costume! This person you love has chosen her path, and there is nothing you can do to help her. She must recognize her condition for what it is and seek help on her own, which I can assure you, she will avoid at all costs. If you to encourage her to seek help, it will most likely create additional abuse in the relationship. So my question is to all you abused males out there, what do you lose by severing the relationship? Maybe the question is, what do you gain by severing the relationship? Your sanity, self-esteem and dignity! Sure you could lose a good part of your social circle, but whose to say that some of that social circle was good for you? There are so many opportunities in life to make new friends. And of course, those sexual ties. Would you not be more happy to have a relationship, with trust, fidelity, intimacy at all levels and settle for good sex, instead of incredible sex, no trust, no fidelity, and no true intimacy? Remember the abuse too gentlemen!

Your NPD/BPD chose to maintain her dysfunctional needs throughout  life, and she expects you to fulfill such needs.  If you do not comply, she will simply make you suffer until you eventually submit. When you do conform, she will continue to gain more control over you by the continued abuse. These conditioned and/or conscious acts will only get worse as you the man try harder to please her or make the relationship work. This precedence you set by submitting only serves her and you continue down the rocky cliff, beaten and battered, weakened to the point of being an emotional prisoner.The approval you seek from her shall always be an effort in futility. SHE IS INSATIABLE!!

The lies, deception, depreciation, their egocentric attitudes, haughty/arrogant demeanor, and the sarcasms will never end, despite what you do to improve the relationship. What she says you have become, is exactly what she has always been.  If she feels you are ready to distance yourself, she will remind you of the few good times you shared together and draw you back into the lion’s den. You will make excuses for her in your mind, when it is truly denial you speak to yourself. You are a mere object and  supply for her self-gratification. Morals and ethics are purely words without meaning, except to create a standard by which morals and ethics serve as an entitlement to defy. It is the double-standard by which they live.  Only to be bad and get away with it, satiates their weakened, possibly non-existent system of human values.

The emotional depth of true love is of no interest to a Female NPD/BPD. They are more concerned with mechanics of the relationship, i.e., if I push this button, he will react this way, if I jerk his chain this way, he will react that way, etc.  Men can never be unified or truly intimate with a NPD/BPD woman, for they view the man in object presence or for physical need.  The emotions they can exude are purely for themselves, i.e., they would briefly mourn the loss of the object/physical presence and acts of service that men commonly perform. It’s their own perception of what love meant to them, not reality. The man was simply functional and subservient. You were the emotional punching bag, the mouth for adulation and compliments, and you were the penis for her orgasm sake. All you do is serve her physical/mechanical functions. Here’s a wake-up call men,..you are, or were being exploited.

Much of creation in these women’s dysfunctional world come from demanding, emotionally inept  mothers/fathers that want their daughters to be liberated from a dominant male world environment. Now, this is not to say being taught to more independent is a bad thing, it’s more about what the parents did not teach, which are ethics, morality, and most of all, gender equality. The past four decades have created more women that are independent, educated, excelling in the corporate world, in politics, law, etc. And most women accept  their work colleagues as equals, however, where it concerns their significant other, it is far from equal. Historically, women primarily took care of the home front, and husbands would show their appreciation by taking them to special dinners, buy the flowers, bring special gifts, etc. The quandary today is this, women still have more rights in the areas of law/court system, i.e. child custody,significantly less incarceration for misdemeanors, felonies, and contempts (especially physical abuse.) Women are still considered minorities and continue to receive entitlements as such. They are many more disparities too numerous to mention, and despite their quote unquote “equal status” today, men are still expected to place  women on that pedestal like they did in past years as working mothers and homemakers. Women view this as a preconceived entitlement, that they deserve to be on that pedestal by virtue of their gender. Women say it “makes me feel good, it’s romance, I feel special when a man treats me to fine dinners, special trips, buys me flowers.” Believe it or not, in today’s world of equality, men want to feel special too!   Men don’t want women to use their vagina as a coercion tool. If all things were equal, men should be able to coerce women because they have a penis, right?!  Let me know when that has ever happened!!!  Quite frankly, if a woman uses sex as a tool to keep the man giving, then, could it not be construed as a facsimile of prostitution? Don’t misinterpret what I’m trying to convey, I enjoy making a women feel good at all levels, however, the minute a woman uses sex as means to punish me for not being as giving as she perceives I should be, then that is not a true relationship.

Personality disordered women are worst violators of equality. They don’t care that her man’s penis is involved in this too, because she figures she can get a penis most anywhere. Therefore, you are not equal by any stretch of her imagination. Hence, entitlement. We are seeing more of such narcissistic, arrogant and haughty attitudes amongst professional women that want their cake and eat it too.  In their minds, a man must “get with the program” and understand how the system must work in order for the man to receive sex from them. It has become a less than an equal proposition for men these days.  Am I stereo-typing?..absolutely not. The truth is though, there is a strong percentage of  emotionally healthy professional women that work the system and utilize the double-standard they so feel entitled to.  Many a man have been literally led to the “poor house” by this preconceived notion of female entitlement.   I could go on about this topic however, what we want to understand here is this, an educated professional woman that has a, NPD/BPD/Histrionic condition will be a man’s ultimate hell where it concerns working both sides of the fence to get what they want. Tell her you want to feel special, maybe have her pay for dinner some night, and then watch the fireworks begin!! You will be viewed as unromantic, inconsiderate, and will be depreciated like you’ve never been before. It will be broadcasted to friends and acquaintances, (especially other women).  These highly educated, savvy women will take  sexuality, and  equality to the highest self-serving level. It’s a form of male exploitation, and the sad part is, many women with relatively healthy personalities choose to  “work the system” as well. This presents a very grim outlook for men for some years to come. Don’t give up guys, there are  plenty of very appreciative women still out there.  It will just take longer to sift through the dating pool, and find a woman that has good  morals, ethics, and considers her significant other as a true equal.

Gentlemen, I know how hard it is to leave someone you love. Here is your next wake-up call,..however long you’ve been in the abusive relationship is how long you’ve been in a “coma.”  I use this analogy because when you wake up you will realize, the love you felt while in that “coma” (duration of relationship), was of your own creation. What she created was the facade for your perceived love to exist. Therefore, it was real to you, not to her. As well, when you endure such abuse, the only thing in a man’s mind that can make him feel good, something to hang onto in order to justify him staying in the relationship is love. In actuality, it was not truly love, it is created love. In other words, a fantasy love.  Remember, as I mentioned earlier, ”do not believe a damn thing they say.”  When that ”L” word comes out of their mouth, it’s all part of the facade.  I can assure you, as I have been there myself, there is nothing more hurtful to a man than to be taken for a fool, for a woman to strip us of our male pride, dignity, and worst of all, to perjure the heart of a genuine loving man.

If there is any man out there that is still in an abusive relationship, feel free to comment or ask questions and likewise, if there are men that have broken the ties of an abusive relationship that wish to seek some more answers or contribute to those still in these abusive relationships, this blog especially welcomes your support and comments.

The content of this publication or any publication on this blog site, is not to be construed as a replacement for professional help in these respective areas.  Any responses to enquiries are strictly in the opinion of the blog originator(s) , therefore, it is the responsibility of such enquirers to apply due diligence concerning accuracy,validity, and mindful use of this blogs information, content and/or suggestions.

Verbal and Emotional Abuse..

16 Jun

As my blog is primarily designed for married couples and long term interpersonal relationships, the context of emotional/verbal abuse remain the same for all types of relationships.  Here are some specific signs, red flags to look for;

PD= Personality Disordered person, such as, Narcissists, Histrionics, Sociopaths, and Bi-polar.

COMMON TRAITS AND CHARCTERISTICS EXPLAINED:

THE ABUSER

  1. Irrational, and often impulsive responses to actions or statements that exhibit no malicious intent-(abuser misinterprets the intent of victims  actions, statements or thoughts). PD’s tend to have preconceived ideas of anothers verbal intent, dissecting their victims actions and/or statements in mental  preparation for defensive action. PD’s apply use of rhetoric, sarcasms, flawed logic, innuendos, and depreciating statements in order to manipulate their victims belief of truth or fact, even though a person’s statement shows no malicious intent. PD’s also tend to mentally store, build-in  specific cue /trigger words that initiate their protection mode. The context and/or intent of what others say is never fully, or mindfully interpreted by a PD. The reflection of truth and reality, where it concerns a PD’s indiscretions, are viewed as an encroachment upon their core being..  As for the abused, to rationalize the  PD’s logic and actions is futile,.. it normally has no basis because it is self-serving. A PD’s persistent and flawed  responses are a commitment to their perception/opinion, and to the debate itself. It doesn’t have to make sense, and this is where the victim becomes frustrated and angry when they otherwise wouldn’t care. A PD’s overwhelming need to prevail will end up one of two ways in their mind, (1) the victim/abused will submit immediately, or (2)  the debate will be left open-ended (without complete resolve),confidently anticipating  an apology.  Sadly enough, the victim will usually succumb.
  2. Abuser shifts blame upon Victim (projection)- You are the problem, they are not! You are to blame, they are not! You are guilty, they are not!Reason being, you are considered their tormentor because you have corrupted the discussion with truth and reality. Here is an example of what my former abuser used. Preface:  (screaming at the top of her lungs)   “you need to seek professional help.. you need “anger management therapy!” My reply: So what do you need when you are angry and loud?  Her response: (now suddenly calm, yet arrogant!) “I’m not angry nor loud,.. I’m simply passionate about what I believe.”  Result: I went to anger management therapy, and after 3 weeks, my clinician cleared me as a healthy personality. They did however state that my reactions to my PD were normal at that point in time, and advised that continued interaction with this person could inevitably lead to emotional/psychological damage (typically PTSD.)
  3. Making false accusations or inferences- Such responses are without basis or evidence. Jealousy is one of the most common of accusations. It could start off as snide, sarcastic comments, or go into full blown rage. This happens when a loss of control in their daily lives is experienced, be it with their significant other, co-worker, client, etc.  Accounting for their victims time is most common. Once the PD begins to manifest inferences of cheating, the proof of burden then lies in the hands of the victim to explain themselves. Hidden is this agenda is the PD’s  entitlement as well, i.e. “The PD feels entitled to ask, however, never ask your PD to account for their time.” Most times they will tell you, it is their right to know what their victims do, however, you must trust them, and never question what they do. You have no rights to question them, for it goes back to corrupting what they have created within themselves.
  4. Unable to communicate with diplomacy- A healthy relationship can usually compromise where it concerns opinions or circumstances and move on amicably. Once a PD has been engaged, even in the smallest way, the challenge is on!  Remember, once the PD assumes the challenge, you will be the target of resolve for them. It will not be resolved through logic nor diplomacy.  Herein lies the important message for the abused:  The second that you the abused realize your PD is cocked and ready, disengage, take evasive action!! PD’s are like a ” fighter pilots”. Their perceived tormentor becomes the acquired target,.. focus then is to destroy target and come home safely(return to safehaven of ego). When you engage the abuser, you are then perceived as nothing more than an “object” despite the relativity of the interpersonal relationship. Your emotions will be exploited and used against you. To successfully employ manipulation of ones emotions proves the perceived theory of weakness PD’s believe others besides them have. Their victim’s are easily influenced and thereby are construed as weak and inferior. When you are involved with a PD there is no common ground that is attainable. It is their world you the abused have become a part of,.. there is no “we” there is only “me.” My abuser incessantly used the phrase, “So, when did this ever become about you?!?” Diplomacy shall never exist in the mind of a PD.
  5. Lacks the ability to be apologetic- Leaving issues unresolved is a preconceived act by your PD.  The intent of this act is designed as an option when immediate admission/submission has not been attained, in other words, when situation is unresolved, they anticipate a forthcoming apology from the victim. They understand that healthy personalities cannot endure the anguish of lingering issues/emotions and will usually be the first to come forth saying, “I’m sorry.”  The best you will ever get from a PD is their admission of anger, but never about the context or basis of the argument. Leaving the context/basis of truth open-ended, coupled with an apology or form of “making up” from the abused, secures the PD’s perceived righteousness and subsequently becomes useful as “ammo” in future debates or situations of similar nature.
  6. Does not give credence to, or see value in your opinions or perceptions- Most commonly, a PD will relinquish to their victim where is concerns  knowledge in their profession. It is rare they will engage in areas they have no absolute knowledge.  A PD will also exploit such strengths. Examples: If you the victim, are male capable of Carpentry skills, she will have you remodel her house.  If you the victim, are a female attorney, he will regard your legal advice if needed. What happens during remodeling or after legal advice is given will usually end up in various debates of rhetorical and emotional spew about appreciation and/or respect.  The basis of skills, in my opinion, is one of many reasons why there are more men that suffer personality disorders than women. Men believe they are more capable and carry more professional and side skills than women. Likewise, the rise of women with personality disorders are also related to their skill sets, competency, individualism, and self-sufficiency that clashes with the idealogical man. The victim will never meet the standards of the abuser, in other words, no matter what you do, how hard you try, or how financially secure the victim may be, you are not an equal in the eyes of your abuser.  Inevitably, you will outlive your usefulness to them once they have maximized their exploitation of their victim, and thereby discard you. Remember, you the victim are only an object to them, they do not see you as a person with separate feelings and emotions. They simply do not care.
  7. They are sarcastic, demeaning, deprecating, in order to be “one up on you.” (include the evil smirk as well!) This can be one of the most frustrating encounters of all. Once a PD feels they have prevailed in a given situation, they feel inclined to push the knife in a little deeper, simply to remind you of who is in control. Control is indeed most important to them.
  8. They depreciate you physically, sexually,and  intellectually- They cannot accept you, or love you for who you are. You could be exceptionally smart, great in bed, and physically fit, yet, they will always demand more of you. Their ploy is to make themselves feel better by depreciating their victim. Again, low self-esteem and insecure about themselves. You are a supply to feed their dysfunctional egocentric epicenter.
  9. They threaten you with “fear of loss.”- “you won’t leave me because…”, “No one will take care of you like I do.” , “you can’t financially survive without me.” and on and on. Victims will usually succumb to these fear-based notions. It is an effective tool of a PD. This is the point at which the victim has done damage to themselves and cannot rationalize their situation properly.
  10. Control of their victims is primary objective- This is achieved via discovering and attacking what “they perceive” as their victims weaknesses (emotions, conscience, etc.)  PD’s learn their victim’s emotional weaknesses (buttons to push)  for the sake of manipulating behavior.  This is not to say that good emotions or having a conscience are weaknesses, quite the contrary. Where it concerns the PD, this goodness is in direct opposition to their innermost self. It must be controlled, put in “check” to maintain conformity as related to the PD’s flow in life.  It’s like clay or putty, the PD forms the clay(abused) to their satisfaction. Emotional malleability of their victim is key to the PD’s day to day ego nourishment.  Years of bad relationships(interpersonal or otherwise) have honed skills of manipulation, deception, projection, etc..all for the goal of total control. A healthy personality cannot compete with the likes of a PD.
  11. They will go off on tangents of irrelevancies- Spouting rhetoric, scrutinizing your words through semantics, all as a tactic to find your weakness at that given moment. Once the weakness is discovered, the PD will emotionally, “beat you into submission.” In the mind of a PD, whatever they say does not have to be logical or make sense. It is a tactic to wear their victims down to the point of submission.
  12. Highly sensitive to criticism- I believe we can all agree that being criticized affects our core or epicenter. We may not like it, however, we learn to deal with criticism in normal and healthy ways. In the case of a PD though,  their reactions are the extreme as compared to normal, healthy reaction. You have penetrated their force field, the one that protects their already weak super ego. It’s like awakening the “Kraken” from the abyss. If your PD is female, the realm of reaction can be emotional(crying, feelings hurt) to downright nasty, possibly physical. This is where the actress comes out, it is not real emotion, it is an impressionistic performance, one that fits the situation and will achieve the best desired result. The male PD is not quite so dramatic emotionally. Tatics they prefer are “bullying” which vary from direct personal attacks to forceful language and physical aggression. With either gender, the amount of emotional hurt felt by a true PD in such situations is miniscule, as compared to a healthy personality. A PD’s hurt only lasts a few seconds, until such time the “fighter pilot” can launch their artillery.
  13. Overwhelming sense of entitlement. As previously mentioned, abusers perceive themselves as privileged and indulge their ego by deprecating others, being in control, being dictatorial and authoritarian. And when you have frustrated a PD to a point where they have lost control, they will resort to cursing, name calling, and possibly physical abuse. Entitlement protects their egocentric black-hole, for they must remain superior in their mind. Black-holes are cosmically referenced to consume vast amounts of energy. You the victim, are the source of energy the PD requires. Does the black hole change form by consuming energy? No, it just continues to consume.
  14. Exaggerates- This could apply to situations and circumstances of any given subject that allows your abuser to feel more powerful over their victims.  They are masters of turning the proverbial “mole hill into a Mountain.”  Where normal personalities see such minor circumstances as not worth discussing and creating drama, it is opportunity for the PD to hone their skills. It’s an easy way to supply their ego.  As well, they also like to embelish their personal status, skills, maybe even completely lie about such areas of their life. Again, to feed their dysfunctional core.  Remember, PD’s feel superior over normal personalities because they have abilities to manipulate their emotions and this aids to create the outcome they require. Mostly to depreciate their victims, breakdown their self-esteem and keep them obedient and sub-servient.

The above relates to typical encounters for the abused, taking into consideration that there are over-lapping and some distinct differences that are specific to each personality disorder, i.e., histrionics don’t care about whether they are right or wrong, they thrive on drama and attention in any form Vs Narcissist who challenge their victim to the rightness of any given circumstance, and relentlessly persues their rightness. Bi-polars are unpredictable, going from one extreme of emotion to another( anger to serenity.)  Sociopaths are much like the Narcissist, however, are more likely to be physical, have a higher disregard for authority,and are less conformant with authority and societal law.

THE ABUSED

  1. Do you find it difficult to rationalize their perceptions or opinions? (abusers don’t typically rationalize, they demand.) Do you stand there in awe wondering why you accept their perceptions at all?!?! (your intuition telling you it’s wrong!!)
  2. Based upon the abuser’s demanding need for you to submit to their point of view, do you then simply submit for the sake of peace? (if you do, then you have fed their ego,therefore,  they have defeated you!)
  3. Do you find yourself feeling ugly, sexually insignificant, and mentally deprived? If you feel any one of these, it is the result of your PD’s implementation of their “over-whelming sense of entitlement.”  You are the putty in their hands, molding you into an image that satiates them. However they mold you today, may not appease them tomorrow. It will be a never-ending continuum of change required to meet the immediate gratification of the PD’s ego. Does not matter what the PD wanted yesterday, this is today, and that is enough reason for the PD to change their mind
  4. Are your emotions vacillating without clarity about where you stand as an individual, much less in the relationship? The victim’s uncertainty about their value has infiltrated their self-esteem and that is where the abuser wants their victim’s,  in a weakened state of mind. This is the point at which most people will either “get out” or “remain”  in the abusive situation.
  5. Does your abuser make you feel so inadequate, that you have the double-sided fear, that you can’t live with them, yet, you can’t live or survive without them? (attachment and/or co-dependency)
  6. Has guilt set so far within you, that you feel as though you are a major contributor to the relationship problems despite what your intuition tells you? Once you have reached this point, and you do not listen to your intuition to “get out”, then you are truly contributing to the relationship debacle. This is the point at which the abused must accept responsibility for their own actions. In other words, you are no longer the victim of your abuser, you are a victim of your own volition to remain in this relationship from hell.
  7. Do you question when your abuser accuses/blames you for their guilty actions?  Do you end up feeling guilty when all is said and done, yet, left also feeling perplexed about what just happened?!?!  Your PD just successfully used the tatic of “projection.”  This skill is highly useful for future situations whereby the PD can utilize admissions or submissions to discredit the abused when similar points or re-occurances of same play into another debate.

These are your classic signs on both sides of the coin. Emotional abusers are “master manipulators.”  Here’s  the “wake up call” for the abused,..it took a long time for the abuser to acquire these skills of manipulation. Probably long before you met them and I can assure you, it is not their first rodeo. You probably do not know them as well as you think, their nature won’t allow you to get close enough to know them well. They most likely have never had a successful interpersonal relationship in their lifetime. Although, whatever relationship they had, they typically will lead you to believe it was the other persons fault, or that they had to break it off because of faults the other person had. You may witness the crazy-making interactions of a former mate or spouse, and assume your PD was correct. Take heed to these reactions, it may be possible that the other person has never come to terms with the former PD. In other words, this person has not recovered fully from the former relationship. If they have close friends, observe their social skills, their interactions with others. I believe you will find some aspect of their personality will prove to be dysfunctional. As an example, my PD only had two close friends, one of which stood out to have one egregious trait, being highly promiscuous despite being married, Otherwise, she was not adversarial, non-argumentative, or controlling.  Her other friend was not quite as promiscuous, however, was obsessed with her physical appearance , and her circle of girlfriends where she lived were all 20 years younger than her. She being 44 and her friends ranging from 21 to 29 years of age.  Party, party, party!!

PD’s are charismatic, typically socially adept, arrogant, self-centered and usually will not show their dark side to others outside their interpersonal relationship. How acceptable they interact socially would depend upon the degree of their disorder, and their status in a community setting. I have found that the influence of alcohol (social settings) will bring out odd/abnormal behavior conducive to their condition. In other words,  alcohol is a depressant and will bring out some form of repressed characteristics/trait of your abuser’s condition. Observe the things they say while under the influence in such social scenario’s. It is typical for them to embelish, exaggerate, or lie about themselves or things they have done.  Some PD’s are subtle like this, and others can be the extreme, displaying their true condition outwardly without considering the consequences. Some feel paranoia and cannot deal with the social interaction because they are consciously aware of their demons and one of them is about to get loose.  They usually don’t want to be discovered. The abused should take heed when this happens, for the abusers emotions are in turmoil and you could  become their “whipping post” later that day or evening.

There are many levels and many personality disorders that overlap similar traits and characteristics as described above. We are not concerned whether they are clincally classified or diagnosed as a specific PD, instead, to be concerned that some of the above symptoms of the relationship exist. Simply put, ABUSE. You could spend time, energy and vast amounts of your financial resources trying to determine what condition your abuser has, and possibly your own condition or state of mind. If the abuse is there, that’s all that matters. It is good to know the signs,  and it is the goal of this blog to focus on the abused. If you are the abused, you are already consumed enough without being further consumed by trying to figure out your abusers condition. In other words, simply knowing you are in an abusive relationship,and having key knowledge about the signs is all that is necessary to make life changing decisions.

Lastly, there are many ways that the abused can “cope” with their PD.  However, let me make this explicitly clear, it is only a temporary fix. If you should decide to stay in an abusive relationship and use such coping methods as a means to an end (fix the relationship), you will be sadly disappointed. The PD will adjust accordingly and you will receive much of the same treatment as before, if not worse. Coping methods are designed primarily to help the abused cope during the dissolution process of the relationship, and also post-dissolution. Learning to cope will not save the relationship.

The content of this publication or any publication on this blog site, is not to be construed as a replacement for professional help in these respective areas.  Any responses to enquiries are strictly in the opinion of the blog originator(s) , therefore, it is the responsibility of such enquirers to apply due diligence concerning accuracy,validity, and mindful use of this blogs information, content and/or suggestions.

Man and Woman- “Friendships after Sexual Intimacy”

7 Oct

Although this is far from my typical posts about personality disordered individuals, there are a combination of  circumstances to the story below that have emotional properties of dysfunction, such as ego, deception, and manipulation. It’s a true story regarding content and facts, and I would be interested to have my readers perceptions, opinions and comments once read.

The Truth of the matter is..

I would like to lay out a scenario that concerns a topic that affects so many interpersonal relationships in this day and time, that is “emotional infidelity.”  For emotional infidelity to occur there must be mutual emotional intimacy that enables a man and woman outside the realm of their true relationships. So, how does emotional infidelity typically manifest? First we have to look at the logistics of such a manifestation.  Most commonly,  co-workers.. makes sense, right! We spend on average 8 of our waking hours with such people. In the same environment, dependent upon status within a work environment, clients. Social interactions, company functions , etc.  There is one other area that raises a special interest to me due to my life’s experience and those friends and acquaintances.  Here is the scenario using fictitious names:

John and Jane had an intimate relationship all of 4 months. Jane was truly attracted to John for his looks, his successes, his personality,..he was the complete package in her mind. Likewise, John conveyed to Jane that she was a “catch” as well.  However, towards the latter part of this relationship John found out Jane could not provide him with children.  According to Jane, John simply stopped calling her. Jane is of course hurt, and very disappointed.  A month or so later, John called Jane to explain his reasons for breaking off the relationship. Long story short, Jane accepted his reasons and they decided to remain in a friendship thereafter.

Within approximately one year, John found a wonderful woman named Sarah, married her and had twins. Keep in mind, John and Jane remained friends, time has passed, and the twins are around 2 years old presently. Only recently though, has the new wife Sarah come to know Jane. Jane worked at the local bank where John does business, and John introduces them at the bank. Now, it is not clear to Sarah the full extent of John and Jane’s relationship, other than he’s known her for some years now.

During the course  of time John is married to Sarah, Jane and John have interacted in social ways, and for the sake of argument, we will leave their scenario as  innocent interaction.  Jane however, since the time of the breakup, still considers John a wonderful man, and has told other’s how great he is, even though Jane was disappointed their relationship did not work out. In the end, she conveys her happiness that John found what he wanted in life.

Since the recent introduction at the bank, John, Jane, and Sarah now socialize, and hang out at one another’s home. Jane now wants to befriend Sarah, to no longer be just an acquaintance.  Now Sarah still does not have a clue that John and Jane were lovers, and very intimate. She does not know that Jane still talks with others about John, as though he was the one that truly got away. The question here has many facets to it.  I’ll pose just a few below:

1)  Would it not be more ethical, moral, and rational for Jane to remove herself as an ex-lover for the sake of John and Sarah’s marriage?

2) Each week, month, year this facade continues between John and Jane will only amplify the mistrust and anger Sarah will have for each of them. Without knowledge of John and Jane’s previous relationship, Sarah will most likely accept Jane’s friendship, however, at what possible cost to Sarah’s marriage?

3) Every marriage has it’s emotional ups and downs, many times too, couples will say things they shouldn’t. John and Sarah are like everyone else, they are not exempt from these emotional situations. We cannot determine when the truth will come out,.. So if Jane continues this friendship with John and Sarah can we determine that the truth will inevitably come to light?

4) What is the true motivating factor for John and Jane to remain as friends,..Jane claims it’s because he’s honorable, and there is mutual respect between them as individuals. That neither of them would compromise the other’s relationship position. First off, Jane and John have already compromised their positions by hanging onto this friendship. Now let’s talk about honorable, if you recall earlier in this prose,  John dumped Jane. As well, he did not contact her until some time later, and then decided to explain his reasons for dumping her?!  A very honorable man indeed..right!

5) Jane quotes that John is one of her nearest  and dearest friends (I’m sure Sarah hasn’t heard this yet!)  So, with that being said, if paradise between John and Sarah should ever take a negative turn, could John possibly seek Jane as a confidant to pour his emotions out about his marriage?

6) Jane has stated that she is no threat to John’s marriage, that once she becomes closer to Sarah, then Sarah will truly understand she is not a threat. Jane speaks as though her and John’s past is history, and that the friendships between John, Jane and Sarah are a new beginning, based on trust. Interesting that Jane uses the word “trust”,.. I think where Jane is missing the boat is that she is already a threat. Not so much where physical or emotional fidelity is concerned, but by virtue of Sarah finding out the truth that is being hidden from her by John and Jane. Doesn’t it seem Jane is hiding behind the veil of trust!

I believe with the above information, there is enough to render some comments from my readers. I would like to make a few comments of my own. Granted, in order to maintain such a rare friendship, a person must be completely comfortable with themselves, i.e., their morals and ethics. However, we are dealing with 3 separate individuals, different genetic dispositions, demeanor, perceptions and opinions, despite possibly having similar values. When “paradise” is compromised somehow between John and Sarah, I believe things will eventually begin to surface  and it will bite everyone in the ass! Actually it will bite only John and Jane, Sarah will become the victim.

Considering John, Jane, and Sarah, there is a manipulation between John and Jane to maintain their friendship, hence a deception.  Where is John’s allegiance? Should be to Sarah, right?!  She is of course, his wife!  So, I ask once more, what is the motivation for John and Jane to maintain this deception? Just my humble opinion, this is not a healthy interaction as it stands. Once a couple enters into a marriage or engagement, anyone whom a man or woman has had previous sexual relations with should not remain as “close friends” within that relationship.  As adults, we accept from one another that previous sexual relations existed in our lives.  What we don’t want in a marriage is our previous sexual lives following us into “close friendships.” Such an interaction is the ultimate formula for emotional infidelity.   The success of such relationships as mentioned above are extremely rare, and they are rare for a  reason,.. because  the largest share of people believe in the sanctity of their marriage, and  preserving the bond of trust, not creating such possibilities of risk and compromising their marriage. It boils down to better choices to enable the qualities of a long and trustful relationship.

Some of you out there may have personally experienced such a scenario or have knowledge of others being living under these circumstances.  I welcome your comments/opinions free of any criticisms as I have already conveyed my perceptions and opinions. It’s wide open so have at it everyone!  Look forward to it.

Trust, a key to your decision!

30 Sep

There are several key aspects of relationships that are essential to success and longevity, such as, communication, emotional maturity, intimacy at all levels, morals, ethics, and similar interests. However, the one aspect that will truly make or break a relationship is Trust. You can have everything else, however, without trust, there is no hope.

Is it possible to have everything else and no trust? Absolutely.. What we have to define in a relationship is a true and realistic assessment of those things that seem to be in order, when trust is apparently absent. It’s all relative. One person may consider themselves as intensely intimate, or a good communicator, yet, another individual may perceive that person as lacking in such skills. When dealing with personality disordered individuals, be it man or woman, the abused tends to live in their abuser’s facade. A world created by the abuser that has affected the reality, logic, and emotions of their victim.  Deep inside though, the victim is cognizant they are being hurt emotionally, verbally and  physically as well. The abused then adheres to their abuser’s wants and needs, a form of self-distraction (more like self-destruction) to the truth and realities of their abusive relationship.  Once this stage occurs, there is a common tendency for the abused to also form traits and characteristics much like the abuser. The ulterior motive of the abuser, CONTROL! Essentially, the abuser peels back the protective layers of their victim, and literally begins to slowly poison their core. End result, the abused submits, creating a virtual, never ending drama that the abuser uses as a tool in their arsenal of control.  

If you believe you are the victim of an abusive relationship then let’s assess your situation through Trust. Here are some key points as a daily reminder to enable yourself in making that life changing decision to exit the abusive relationship:

  1. Today, do you trust yourself, your intuition,  that you’ve made mindful, realistic, and appropriate decisions where it concerns your significant other, your children, and your life in general?  Are you  questioning such things as your self-worth, why you validate your abuser’s opinions/ perceptions, the poor environment you and your s.o. are creating for the children? Do you feel as though you’re slowing relinquishing and submitting  your core values and beliefs at the expense of what you perceive to be love, happiness, an undeniable bond between two people? Here’s the reality check, you are giving up on yourself, and giving into your abuser’s control. The ability to trust your judgement, your intuition, to do what is in the best interest of self and family belongs to your abuser. Your life no longer belongs to you!!! Now that you’ve done this, can you trust your abuser to do what’s in your best interest? Hello!!!! I don’t think so!! 
  2. Can you trust your significant other in that they would never hurt you in any way, shape, or form? If you recognize that everyday is a new “mine field” of interpersonal experiences, then trust is most certainly absent. If you are “walking on eggshells” then you do not trust that your significant other’s behavior will be appropriate, that they will not treat you with the respect you deserve, that despite your good intentions, you will falter in some way. Rest assured, you SHALL be made accountable for your abuser’s actions.  You can discuss and communicate, you can read books on improving relationships, you can seek counselling, and all that will become of it, is more of the same shit. All these things work with somewhat normal couples, ones that have the ability to admit to their own individual short-comings, and are totally willing to dedicate the time and effort towards improving their relationship. A personality disordered individual has about a 1 in 99 chance of such improvement. In most cases, it will make it worse than before for the abused. The abuser will portray good intentions, yet, what they truly feel is resentment, that you’ve trespassed beyond their protected boundaries of their self-centered world. It’s a dangerous place to be for the abused! At a rate of 1 in 99 chance of recovery, the odds certainly do not favor either party in the relationship. Therefore, it is imperative to understand, your abuser cannot be trusted to fulfill such an obligation to the relationship.
  3. Look at the historical aspects of your relationship. Everyone’s life is a book. Reread the chapters of this relationship using trust as your guideline. Were there lies, deception, infidelity,criticisms,  rhetoric and egregious actions by your abuser that spoke louder than their self-serving words?  These are all unequivicably trust issues. How many chances would you give a friendship, if this friend treated you the way your significant other does?  Trust yourself and your intuition, and once you’ve reread the chapters of your relationship using trust as your guideline, close this book and never reopen it again. Once we’re free of the abuse, there is always a propensity to pick that book up again and fill ourselves with hate, resentment, and regret. That book is a vehicle of your present and future self-destruction. You can’t change history, you can’t change your abuser, you can’t sacrifice yourself for the sake of someone you cannot trust. You live with self , you are accountable and responsible for self 24/7, so let your abuser do the same. I can assure you, they will without a doubt, take on a new victim and do exactly what they did to you!  It’s inevitable, it’s reality, and wish them good riddance.  Trust is the basis for all that is good in our lives, your children trust you as parent, you lean on your family when times are bad, you trust friends to be your support system in these situations. However, when it is notably obvious to these people in your life, that you are being drug down mentally, and physically in such a relationship, there is high probability you will lose the trust and respect of these people as well. They know when you make excuses for your abuser, and feel whatever positive light you try to shed on the relationship, they know it is all a lie. You words will eventually fall upon deaf ears, they simply do not want to hear it any longer. Don’t underestimate what these people see and experience through you.

You can apply the word “Trust” to anyone involved in your life, be it close friends, acquaintenances, family, children, and all are a reflection of you as an individual. When you are talked about in negative ways, criticized and possibly even ostracized by those closest to you, then you must reassess your ability to make wiser choices.  Abuse, be it physical, emotional or verbal, the choice is crystal clear.. close the old book and begin a fresh new Chapter One in your life. What you don’t want to do is live under these circumstances and realize you’re 60+ years old and regret not doing something about it sooner. No matter what it financially costs you, there is opportunity, there is someone out there for you that will make you feel like you deserve to feel. If you have children, I can assure you if you continue the dysfunctional relationship, the drama will continue with them as well. Better to have one parent that is normal, rather than two that are “crazy-making” all the time. Trust yourself first and foremost, the rest will come naturally.

NBC Today -Narcissism

21 Aug

 

Katie Couric interviews two Doctors of psychology regarding Narcissism. Notice the facial expression, body language of Dr. Drew Pinsky, after Katie asks how do you deal with a N in a relationship. Note also his enthusiasm, as if he wanted to say, “let me tell you about what you really don’t know! The last 30 seconds of this video reinforces a point I have made throughout many of my pages and posts about the abused being a contributor to the abusive relationship. Click below..

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUhE8oulQjk

A little psych humor..

Embarrassing Situations!-

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” By now, the entire bar is staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!”

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